like my mama always said, "don't be a jizz mouth!!!"

If y'all really believe that was one of the life lessons my mother tried to teach me, there's something really fucked with you!

No, this has to do with those products we see advertised that you know you just have to try. Well, maybe that's just me.

I'm a tooth whitening junkie. I grew up in an age, like many of you, where our dentists weren't very clear in telling us that beverages dark in color would stain our teeth so I drank sodas and coffee growing up until the dentist finally decided to tell me one day "Oooo, you should really lay off the soda.". Thanks for the advice, dick. Uh...I mean 'doc'.

Anyway, I've tried most of the whitening products out there. First was my dentist, who stole $650 from me so that I could insert a gunky gel-filled mouthpiece in my mouth every night while trying to sleep. "You will notice a difference right away." he said. "You'll have no problem sleeping with the mouthpiece." he claimed. I tell you what...don't believe what your dentist tells you, especially when he tells you that what he's about to do to you won't hurt a bit. One piece of advice...RUN! Run like the wind, Dustin Hoffman!!

So for two weeks, the person who shall not be mentioned here and I slept side-by-side trying to get through an entire night without waking up from biting down on that damn, rubbery thing. And every morning, the person who shall not be mentioned here would admire his newly whitened teeth in the mirror while I'd admire my dull, off-white teeth with bleach spots on them. I looked like I had a fucking disease.

But I persevered and when I went back intending to shell out another couple hundred dollars for refill gel syringes, I let my dentist know that I was continuing with the process but that I wasn't pleased with the results. "Well, everyone's different. " he said "For some, it takes longer than others and for some it doesn't work at all."

The bastard couldn't tell me that before pocketing my $650?!

With that, I put the refill pack back on the counter, told him I'd see him at my next appointment and walked out.

About that same time, Crest came out with their White Strips. I thought "What the hell. It can't be as bad as that gel shit I had to deal with.". For those who've never tried them, they're not that bad and they do whiten your teeth fairly quickly although when you pull the strip off, it does kinda' feel like someone jizzed all over your teeth. Men, if you've tried White Strips before but have never known the sensation of someone jizzing on your teeth, now you know what that lovely sticky goo that remains on your teeth after removal of the strip feels likes. Although you shouldn't take my word for it because I've never made a habit of allowing men to jizz on my teeth. I mean, it's not my favorite past time or anything.

But, when I saw how fast I was getting results, I figured for a little excess jizz in my mouth, I didn't mind continuing on with the process, which I've done on and off over the years whenever I think my teeth have needed whitening.

Until recently when I saw another TV ad for Listerine's version of the strips, applied exactly like Crest's version, but they dissolve. Woot! Woot! No more removable strips with icky goo dripping from my teeth!

No, these strips are worse! Sure they dissolve within the 10 minutes they say they do, but they leave a residue which leaves you doing that little Pearl Drops Smoker's Tooth Polish tongue stroke across your teeth trying to wipe them clean for a lot longer than 10 minutes. I'm not sure what I'd rather have, spooge-soaked teeth or dry, fuzzy-feeling teeth.

Maybe one of you out there is up for the Jizz Test Challenge and let me know what you think. And I'm referring to the whitening strips, not you really going out there to find some guy to jizz in your mouth. Pigs.

not even if you paid me

It's been quite some time since I shared anything about my online dating experience. I've been saving up some real prizes to share with you.

Look at this hottie sporting his fab blue beret. *gag*

He goes by the username "LeWhale". Most of the time, you can figure out why a person has chosen a particular username such as "Grtman4u" or "FromURanus". For the life of me, I can't figure out why this guy would choose such a username. Much like I have no fucking idea what he's saying in his 'about me' essay...

i like sex, pizza with real olives, dogs, enough money for a good coffee, accordions, handmade things, good art, bad art that is better than good art, books and photography and books about photography, milton rogovin, beer thats too expensive, wine thats priced like beer, sustainable living and not just buildings, dennis kucinich in my dreams and john edwards in my hopes, people who have enough money to pay for what i make, people who dont have enough money for what i make and pay what they can, people who feel with their brains and think with their hearts, straight shooters, compassionate jerks, a friend/lover who is truthful, me when im truthful. I was raised catholic, and i've recovered nicely, but have allergies to some of it, know what i mean? I have no idea about this, really. its a racket, but here i am. say hello if you like. my name is mike. im not rich, and im honest.

Mike, you've definitely brought crazy back. If you ever view my profile again, I will hunt you down and force feed you that beret. Although something tells me you'd probably enjoy it.

I'm writing a book. I'm gonna' call it "The Joys of Online Dating" complete with graphic illustrations of these fucking boneheads.

anyone want a phlegm sandwich?

Something is a bit off in Lolaland.

Aside from having a viral infection that leaves with me with great green globs of gunk in my throat at certain times of the day, yesterday, I actually washed my face with shampoo and my hair with face wash. It wasn't until I got out of the shower and noticed my skin smelled like sunflowers and apricots that I realized my error.

Then, out of all the great movies I watched this weekend (about six. Seriously), the one I enjoyed the most was Bring it On Again. For those of you who don't know, it's a movie about competing cheerleaders.

WTF is happening to me?! Am I suffering from a terminal case of Twilightus Zonius? Or is this the onset of some serious brain dysfunction?! For those of you who just snickered and said to yourselves "On top of the one you already have?!", I give you a hearty 'fuck you' with a side helping of 'the bird'.

In general, my vacation was decent. I will never complain about having time off that allows me to recharge my inner battery. I feel rested...even if I did massive amounts of laundry and dishes, I did get to relax and enjoy myself. Through constant hacking and clearing of my throat, that is.

But I'm not feeling sorry for myself that I'm not feeling 100%. Naahh...ot much. No, I still have one more day of vacation despite the fact that most people wouldn't consider telling their kids a gazillion times from the moment their eyes open in the morning 'til they go to sleep at night to behave themselves and stop fighting with each other a vacation. Can you say "run on sentence"?!

Oh well, it's all good. If I could just get them to pay the bills, make my meals and clean the house, I wouldn't care if they pulled out machetes and whacked away at each other. Well, maybe I would a little bit.

happy black friday!!

While many of you were waking up gassy and bloated, wishing you hadn't eaten all those starchy foods, reaching for the antacids, contemplating rushing the doors of any store that was crazy enough to open their doors for 4am sales and gagging at the thought of leftovers, I was doing laundry. I know, you guys think your options are so much more appealing than mine, but my leftovers have been done for days and while you had to entertain family members yesterday that you wished you could have avoided seeing, I was in my nightie watching movie after movie after movie. There is one thing I discovered though...

There's only so many times you can watch movies like The Lost Boys and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers 'til you want to shoot yourself in the foot.

I watched movies I hadn't seen before as well but I believe I watched everything I had wanted to see and that was on my first full day of vacation! So I figured I might as well spend at least part of today getting things done so that I can rest for the remainder of my vacation AND say that I was productive at the same time.

Anyway, hope y'all are enjoying yourselves and pass the pie!

the trifecta of hell

What a way to start my vacation!

Last night, one of my contact lenses was feeling a little funny and when I went to take it out, half my eye was red from broken blood vessels. It looked like petechial hemorrhaging minus the strangulation, of course. But I know how it happened...earlier in the day while talking to a friend, I had an hysterical laughing fit followed by an awful coughing fit. The coughing fit built up enough pressure that blood vessels in my eye burst. Marcus Welby, MD at your service, yo.

Then later on the in the evening, I felt a cold coming on. This obviously explains why I've been feeling run down lately nevertheless, it's not something I wanted to deal with just as I was about to start a mini-vacation. I want to be thinking about watching good movies (heck, even bad ones!) taking catnaps and not having to shower for 5 days (okay, forget that last one.), not sneezing uncontrollably, tissues and cold medicine. Anyway, I have my trusty friend, ZICAM nasal swabs, by my side so it should do the trick.

THEN I woke up this morning with a rather snarling case of PMS. Rrrrrrr.

So Happy Fucking Thanksgiving to y'all! Be well, eat plenty and no farting at the dining room table, 'kay?

these pipes are clean!!!!

The title is for Fab who gets all horny and shit when I quote Chris Elliot from Cabin Boy.

As predicted, things with the plumber did not go as planned this morning. Being the anal retentive person that I am, I contacted the company about 5 minutes before he was scheduled to arrive only to find out, the man I spoke with last night over-booked my plumber and he was off installing a "terlit" instead of snaking my pipes. Somewhere between 10:30 and 11, the guy finally showed up. The problem was easily corrected - apparently Jimmy The Plumber didn't think of snaking the pipe leading from the garbage disposal to the main pipe when he was here yesterday. Dick.

In other news, I had a slight confrontation with my co-room mom this afternoon. Today was the Thanksgiving activity in my daughter's class which she was in charge of. I got into the carpool line early as usual and I could see her car was there, waiting to take the treats made for Thanksgiving to the cafeteria to bake them in their ovens. Let me stop for a minute by saying there are two lanes for carpool, depending on the person's carpool number depends on which lane they line up in. Also, to the left of the left hand carpool lane, there is a section of grass where people can easily pass by with their cars. So I was in the left lane chatting on the phone and there was a car parked in the right lane, the driver nowhere to be found. She pulled up behind me and she waited. Apparently she thought I was going to move my car for her sorry ass.

At least a minute passed by and I had a bet going with the person I was chatting with as to whether she'd be rude and start honking her horn at me or she'd get out of her car and ask me to move. I lost the bet when she got out of her car, came over to mine and rudely said "I need you to move up."

I asked my friend to hold on and with a rather evil smirk on my face I said "Say 'please'.".

If you recall, this is a woman who has refused to look at me, talk to me and work with me so my feeling is, she better mean what she says and leave me the fuck alone or, if she's gonna' engage me in conversation she either better be civil about it or expect that I'm gonna' give it right back to her. If I expect my kids to use their manners, I expect an adult to use theirs...no matter if it's a hot-tempered Latina woman with a stick up her ass.

Needless to say, she didn't appreciate my reminding her to use her manners and she huffed back to her car without humoring me to maneuver her car around mine. Ahh well...all in a day's work. ;)

calgon, take me away!

Yesterday was proof positive that I'm burnt out and ready for a nice mental and physical vacation.

I woke up yesterday morning and tested my kitchen sink. I had put some drain cleaner in it the night before and it seemed to have worked. Totally made my morning and I thought my Monday was off to a great start until...

...I was in the middle of food shopping when I realized I had to be at the doctors to get lab work done! At first I thought to cancel but knowing I couldn't, I had no other choice but to abandon my cart in the middle of an aisle and race out of the supermarket at warp speed. Thinking I was going to be late, I called to inform them and left them a message. I have to assume that Thanksgiving was the reason that there wasn't any heavy traffic on the roads and I actually made it to my appointment early!

If you've never had any lab work done, they instruct no eating after midnight and nothing but water 'til you get your blood taken. This was the one morning I had decided not to eat breakfast. If I had, I wouldn't have been able to take the test.

I got home and turned on the water at the kitchen sink to clean it when it started backing up. FUCK!! I called the plumber thinking that I wouldn't be able to get someone out to my house 'til after Thanksgiving. "He'll be there in an hour!", I was told.

Huh?! What plumber do you know that provides such fast service?!

Sure enough, an hour later he was knocking at my door and 45 minutes later he was done snaking my pipes (heh). Everyone in Lolaland was happy.

Almost.

The rest of the day went on without a hitch. Took my kids to my daughter's gymnastics class after school, got home, went to start dinner and...

The. Kitchen. Sink. Started. Fucking. Backing. Up.

*heavy sigh*

I called the plumber. The day wasn't over and there was still time for someone to get over to my house and make me smile. For some odd reason, they insisted that the same plumber who was at my house earlier in the day do the work and, of course, he was gone for the day.

This good luck/bad luck shit is for the birds, lemme' tell you. I'm the first appointment of the day this morning. Wanna' make a bet something goes wrong?!

houston, we have a problem

The turkey was in the oven. My daughter had just peeled the potatoes for the mashed potatoes. I was cleaning up the peeled potato skins, pushing them into the drain for the garbage disposal to do it's job, turned it on and while the potato skins were being digested, water started backing up into the sink.

Of course.

This wasn't just a hiccup, this was a huge, hairy shit! Of all times that I needed the luxury of a garbage disposal, it goes and fucks with me. "Haha!", it said. "You can't dooooo your diiiiiiiishes! Na na na na poooo poo!"!! Fucker!

It surely was a sight to behold...for the rest of the evening, I had to transport piles of dirty dishes in a large bucket to one of my outdoor spickets! Luckily, it was dark outside and no one saw me playing the role of Ma Ingalls washing dishes in the nearby creek.

Aside from that, the dinner was a huge success and I mean huge. I definitely made way too much food for just 3 people. I couldn't even eat any pie, I was so completely stuffed. My daughter made the pie herself and I assume by the way my kids nearly licked their plates clean that it was good. A few days ago my daughter told me that when she's older she'd like to attend cooking school so last night my son not just gave rave reviews of the pie but told her that if it were school, he'd give her an A+! How sweet is that?! I'm thinking of contacting The Food Network to pitch the idea of a 7 year old having her own show! Now that would be funny - a little girl who talks with a slight lisp and looks like Dora the Explorer's twin having her own cooking show!

Anyway, I'm thinking that most of the food will go to waste except, of course, for the pie which I'm sure the kids will devour within the next day or so. And I'm hoping that I don't have to pay out my ass just to have the plumber come clean my pipes. C'mon y'all, not those pipes! Although those could certainly use a good cleaning as well, I'm sure.

Since Thanksgiving is almost here, I thought it would be nice to share what we're thankful for this year. As for me, I'm thankful that I could finally move my ass outta' that dining room chair last night!

a feel good post

I've been having a wonderful time with my kids this weekend! On the way to an early show yesterday of Mr. Magoriam's Wonder Emporium, my son told me that our neighbors directly across the street from us had invited us over for their youngest son's birthday that evening. It was an impromptu birthday party with just a few friends of his older brothers' since the little heathen child really doesn't have any friends of his own. The adults were having an oyster roast which made me moist in my panties because I dig oysters big time and it's literally been years since I've had oysters! I was there even before I got there!

Well, we all had a fabulous time. The boys were bouncing around the entire time with energy that I wish I could have bottled and saved for one of those mornings I find it impossible to drag myself outta' bed! One of the families had a little girl so my daughter was in 7th heaven as well. It seemed they had more food and snacks there than could be found at the local supermarket! Every available space of counter top was used and they have a huge kitchen! As soon as the oysters were ready, we were shuckin' through those babies so quickly, like we were looking for some rare pearl! Some of the boys jokingly gagged as they watched me take the bigger oysters that were still slithering a bit and suck those things down whole. At one point, the mother of the birthday boy whispered in my ear "The boys must love you!"! Needless to say, I nearly choked on that one.

When it was time to leave, the kids were greasy from running around, grimy from a no-hands birthday cake eating contest and beyond tired as we walked across the street to our house. Sleep came easy for all of us.

Today is another big day as we're celebrating our Thanksgiving. My ex has the kids on Thanksgiving this year so while they're parkin' their asses at a big family gathering, I'll be parking my ass as well...on the family room sofa to catch up on some reading and some necessary bad movie-watching.

D'OH!!

On the way to take my daughter to a friend's birthday party this afternoon, we had to kill some time and did so at the Sharper Image store. I had just recently gotten rid of some items in their playroom to make room for some older kids' toys and I wanted to check out the Foosball table they had, or should I say, used to have. Rrrrr.

One section of the store was just massage chairs and hand-held massagers. I think you know where this is going.

My daughter picked one up, started massaging her shoulders and loudly exclaimed "This one's for women!". OY.

I maneuvered myself away from that area as quickly as I could, trying not to look at the other people who I'm sure heard her. I mean, shit, I haven't had a talk with her about sex yet and she already knows about vibrators!

Looks like I may be having 'the talk' with her sooner than I thought!

turning over a new leaf

I've decided I'm not dealing with anymore drama in my life nor will I blog about it.

Which will sorta' defeat the purpose of this blog, so I'm sure that will be short-lived.

But for now, I'm only gonna' discuss things like magic ponies and majestic rainbows. Warm summer rain and fluffy, cottony-looking clouds. Buttery croissants and the perfect cup of coffee. Sunrises and sunsets. Shit, I'm starting to sound like Fiddler on the Roof here.

Serene ocean tides, cool sand and palm trees. Adorable kittens and puppies frolicking in the tall grass on a spring day. Peace on earth, good will towards men. Flawless love songs and the perfect man.

Alright, I think I just threw up in my mouth with that one.

See? I told you it would be short-lived. Rest assured, I'll be back to my regularly scheduled griping next time.

room mama drama - the showdown

Wow. What a cunt.

Most people don't know that the word 'cunt' is actually positive, expressing the inner strength and power a woman possesses. Of course in this particular case, I'm not using it in a positive context.

Last Thursday, I contacted my friends who are responsible for all the room moms in the lower school. I mentioned that it was less than 2 weeks 'til the Thanksgiving event in my daughter's class and I needed to know what was going on with my co-room mom and whether or not she was staying or going so that I could get busy finalizing everything for the event. My friend L. called me back and said they could do nothing, their job was getting parents to volunteer for the position and it ended there and the only way they could help is if one of the room moms resigned.

At this point, I still didn't know what this bitch was doing. She had told me the day before Halloween that she was resigning, but my friend L. told me she had spoken to a few other people about the situation and they all had heard that she had decided not to. L. suggested that I write her a nice Email message, suggesting that we move forward and put the past behind us. I did so and I also mentioned that if I didn't hear back from her by this past Sunday, that I would assume that she was no longer interested in being room mom. A little while later, I received a response telling me that she had received my message and that she would let me know her decision by Sunday.

A short while after that, L. called me back and suggested we get together for lunch to discuss things. I thought "How nice!" 'til I realized she meant all of us. She said it would only be to discuss moving forward and assigning leads to the activities, not discussing the situation that lead up to this.

Fine. Whatever. I wasn't keen on the idea but I had no choice. Yesterday was the big day.

I was early when I arrived, so I stayed in the car for a few minutes talking to a friend on the phone while I waited. I saw my co-room mom pull into the parking lot and head into the restaurant. I didn't see my friend's K. and L. and I didn't know if they were already in the restaurant. Since I didn't want to be rude and be late, I went in. They weren't there yet, only her. She was seated at a table and I greeted her as I approached. I tried to make small talk and she wasn't interested, only providing one-word answers. Ya' know, I'm all about torturing people and making them suffer, but man, what a fucking downer! Until my friends arrived, I sat the rest of the time in silence, staring blankly at the menu. Shit, I didn't want to have to suffer anymore than I had to by talking to her either!

K. and L. arrived. We chatted for a bit, food was ordered (I didn't eat since I'd lost my appetite having to sit across the table from the sow), and then the real conversation began...

Most of it was just BS...K. tried to take some of the blame off of us fighting by taking on some of the blame for the lack of communication. From that point 'til the lunch was over, the sow started shaking her head "no" and never stopped. Her body language and comments throughout the meal made it seem like I was completely at fault for her inability to work with me.

At one point, it was suggested that we move ahead and try to work together.

"NO!!!! I WILL NOT WORK WITH HER!!"

All heads in our area of the restaurant stopped to stare at this loud-mouthed cunt. Can you believe that she would make such an outburst in a public place?! That was the entire reason for having this meeting in public, so she wouldn't do that! Talk about a lack of self-control!!

When I wasn't speaking and asking my friends questions, I had to sit with my hand over my mouth so that I wouldn't burst out laughing. The sudden outbursts this woman made were too numerous to count. K. and L. couldn't look at me because they were as shocked as I was and I knew they'd laugh if they had seen my reaction! Picture a deer caught in headlights with eyes open wide and you can visualize the expression that didn't leave my face for the entire hour and a half.

I never lost my cool despite this woman's numerous interruptions. Even when I was speaking at one point and she started interrupting me, trying to talk over me, I never got flustered. I glared at her and 3 times I had to tell her her to let me finish. When she just kept going with no end in sight, I slammed my hand down on the table and said the following, all the while giving her the evil death glare and in a calm yet threatening tone of voice that would have convinced anyone I was possessed:

YOU are being rude and childish. I will not tolerate for one more minute your nasty interruptions. You don't want to work with me, fine. After the behavior here today, I would rather die a slow and painful death instead of working by your side. This is exactly how I and the other second grade room moms feel about you. Your actions and reactions are what's caused it to come to this, no one else's. You want to stay on as room mom? Fine, then you stay out of my way, you do what K. and L. tell you to do, you do it with a smile on your face and without opening your mouth.

From a table close by I heard a snicker followed by "You go, girl!".

I felt a tap on my knee from L. motioning to me that I had said more than enough! With that behind us, K. and L. proceeded to divide the remainder of the activities for the year.

When all was said and done, L. and the sow walked out together and K. and I went to the restroom. She broke down in hysterical laugher. She could not believe this woman's attitude. She jokingly said:

"What did you do to her?! Threaten to murder her children?!"

I was both amused and offended by her words. While I admit that some of the words I've chosen to use with my co-room mom lately have been firm, I have never done anything to her to cause her to react so nastily to me. I "love" these people with issues who try to project their problems onto other people.

I said this to K. and told her if she didn't believe me to go talk to the other room moms about her. She told me she believed me but that she thought this was a situation that may require talking to some of the other moms. She called me back later on the day telling me that when one of the other moms told her that my co-room was a waste of the air we breathe, she knew that I wasn't lying! I could have saved her the time by telling her that myself, but she needed to hear it herself.

So, it's all done. As long as she keeps to herself and I don't have a need to beat her senseless, everything will be simply peachy.

stupid is as stupid does

Boy, Forest Gump sure had that right, yo.

And it's not because I fell asleep at 8-something this evening and woke up 2 hours later. It's not because I couldn't fall back to sleep so I decided to hit our 24-hour Walmart at 11-something so that I wouldn't have to fight the bustling Saturday crowd. It's not because while I was out, I got a very large caffeinated beverage and because of that, I was able to stay awake to watch the entire uncut version of Knocked Up (very funny movie, y'all should see it) and there's no fucking way in hell that I'm gonna' go to sleep now when I have so much shit to get done...at 4-fuckingsomething in the fucking morning.

No, I'm talking about all those stupid fucking parents out there in Stupid Fucking Parent Land who gave their children drug-tainted Aqua Dots, left their toddlers unsupervised while the children gobbled up all those tasty little plastic pieces instead of played with them the way they're supposed to, because that's what stupid fucking children born to stupid fucking parents do, right?

Here is a toy that clearly warns on the packaging not to give the toy to children under age 3 years of age because, oh huge surprise, the child, who probably still puts everything in his/her mouth that's not nailed down, could possibly ingest said tiny parts. And here are all these parents who think they have the right to be so pissed off at the manufacturer that they're stupid fucking kid got toasted and ill when they gave the toy to kids that shouldn't have had it in the first place! Please tell me what these tard parents were thinking?!

*takes breath*

Granted, the stupid fucking manufacturer shouldn't have used a chemical resembling a date rape drug to coat the damn thing just to save some money as they should have considered the fact that hey, there are some pretty stupid fucking children in this world who do some pretty fucking stupid shit while their stupid fucking parents aren't watching.

Honestly? Right before said parents are drop-kicked down a steep flight of stairs to hopefully knock some sense into their puny fucking brains, they should be stripped of their parental rights and then as punishment, forced to ingest the same toy pieces their kids did. And a good public caning wouldn't hurt either.


I'm pretty damn funny when I'm wired, if I do say so myself.

Rant over. I'm gonna' go paint my daughter's tea table now. At almost 5-something in the morning.

the cryin' game

O
M
G


As I do every morning, I was listening to my favorite morning radio show after dropping the kids off at school yesterday and the topic of the day was kids who do bad things at school and the parents who get in trouble for it.

One story was about a second grader whose mother was called to school because her son was out of control. The mother apologized profusely for her son's misgivings and the son was sent back to school the next day. That very next day in class, the teacher said they were going to study 'B' words and asked the students if they had any 'B' words they'd like to share in which this child raised his hand and proudly announced "BITCH". Not surprising, the child was expelled.

But the one story that caused me to shed many tears of laughter on the ride home today was the story about another second grader who had to tell a story about a parent. The story was pre-written and the child had to fill in the blanks. The words in italics are the words filled in by this child including the misspelled words:

My mom is 34 and she is 18 feet tall and weighs 100 pounds. She likes to eat salid everyday and her favorite thing to drink is...

C O C K (Coke)


I am certain, that those passing me on the highway thought I had been drinking dirty lagoon water laced with PCP, I was laughing and crying so hard among other things like banging my hand on the steering wheel and jiggling around in my seat as a result of the laughter. Try to visualize what someone doing that looks like and then you'll understand how crazy it probably looked to passersby.

I am so thankful that neither of my kids have ever caused me such embarrassment at their school to date. If they did, they would cease to exist.

However, when my son was 2-ish and going through potty training, he and I were out one day, went into an elevator in which he tugged on the jacket of a man we were in the elevator with and proudly announced

"My daddy has a penis."

I think I was traumatized by this because I honestly can't recall what my reaction was! Knowing me, I'm sure I laughed and apologized to the man.

I assume that those of you who have kids have some great stories to tell or maybe you have some great stories to tell about yourselves when you were youngsters. 'Fess up, yo!

a word to the wise

When you've eaten sliced beets as part of your dinner, do not cover them in foil or plastic wrap in a Tupperware container that no longer has a lid. It makes your fridge smell like decomposing flesh and Arm & Hammer baking soda doesn't take away the stench of icky stinkies.

This has been a public service announcement.

a whole bunch of nothing

I really don't have much to tell you. My weekend was busy as the kids had friends sleep over Friday night and I kept them through most of the day on Saturday. These kids, a brother and sister, are one of the few kids, other than my own, that I actually like. I think I'm becoming tolerant of other people's children in my older age. By Sunday, I was so exhausted that all I've had on my mind on since then is the upcoming weekend when the kids will be at their dad's and I'll have time to catch up on rest. And I'm really going to enjoy it, too!

One thing I did want to mention...remember this post? I saw them at school on Halloween and they tried to avoid me like the plague. HE didn't even look at me, while SHE briefly spoke to me to answer my question as to how he was feeling. But I could tell that she didn't want to be bothered so I backed off which allowed them to continue to hold ill feelings towards me. I'm generous like that.

This is what I don't get...why is it that when some people don't get their way, do they find it necessary to act like such asshats?! It's not like I said "Fuck off! Absolutely not!" when they asked me to take their son to school. I gave them an option and they didn't like it, is that a reason to act like their in high school?!

The point is, everyone shows their true colors in due time. I'm glad they showed me theirs because whenever they choose to talk to me again, I can give them a taste of their own medicine by ignoring them and walking away with a constipated expression on my face.

like the energizer bunny...

...this story just keeps going and going. UGH, Charlie Brown!

Happy Post-Halloween, y'all! I was hoping to post yesterday, but I think I'm coming down with something, I wasn't feeling well at all yesterday afternoon and last night my Ghost Hunters had a live Halloween show so I needed to rest up for that! As it turns out, the show had far too many commercials, a host that talked more than we actually got to see any ghost hunting action and stupid background music that retriggered a migraine. Same shit, different day!

So I'm sure some of you are eager to know what happened yesterday between me and my bitch of a co-room mom. Let me start by saying, the event itself went off without a hitch. Well there was one hitch when a mom who was signed up for the afternoon activities came in the morning, asked in a rather nasty tone whether or not she was needed and when I reminded her that she was supposed to work the afternoon activities she then decided to ream me out for not calling her to remind her. First of all, I'm not responsible for keeping other people's schedules. Second, I told her I had called her which she kept denying and then I proved to her that I was right and that she needed to shut up by showing her my notes which had the time and date I had called her next to her name. Sorry, but I won't be blamed for another's stupidity.

Even after all that, she was still in denial. Honestly folks, being stuck to work with an overly sensitive bitch of a woman and having to kiss the asses of other parents is not what I signed up for!

Aside from all that bullshit, the day's events went great and the kids had a total blast! But I know that's not what you're interested in hearing so here's the real scoop...

When I showed up yesterday morning, my co-room mom was already there, still working on one-upping me and the rest of the other room moms in our grade by entertaining the kids with things that were not on our list. This is something I will get more into later. She refused to speak to me or make eye contact with me. What are we, back in fucking high school?!

When it came time to set up our event, she approached me to ask who was helping out in the afternoon. I realized later when she didn't stay for the afternoon activities, that her question was merely to find out if she needed to stay. I gave her my answer and she started walking away. I told her that she and I need to have a talk in which she replied, "I'm not here to discuss anything but what's going on today." and started walking away again. She did the little flip of her hair before turning away, ya' know, like all us gals used to do in high school, and I called after her again...

"Excuse me, but we do need to talk because if some people don't show up this afternoon, you're responsible for being here."

She didn't like that one bit. She turned around and it was like Satan had taken over her body when she said to me in a raised tone of voice, "I am in control of EVERYTHING! I am responsible for EVERYTHING!".

Last I looked, bitch, you didn't look a damn thing like GOD.

At 11am when the kids headed for lunch, I headed for the classroom to start setting up for the afternoon activity. SHE went to lunch with her son instead of choosing to help which was fine 'cause it was a no-brainer and one of the parents showed up to help me so her "assistance" wasn't needed. As it turns out, my co-room mom had put this woman up to coming early and dishing for information. Can anyone say "high school"?!?!??! Really, I felt like my hair should have been in pig tails and I should have been popping zits on my face, the air was that pathetic and immature. Anyway, I figured I'd take full advantage of the situation, told her my side of things and guess what? After all was said and done, she agreed with everything I said and very little of what her supposed friend said! Speaks volumes about this woman, don't ya' think?

One of the things this woman said to me about her friend upon hearing my tale, is that she's too sensitive. Amazing. I'm not sure if I would have ever come to that realization myself had she not said anything. *rolls eyes*

Something I did tell this gal was that I have no problem working with her friend as long as she dropped the attitude plus, I refused to work with someone who found it impossible to speak to me. Obviously, there's gotta' be some amount of communication in order to work together. Again, she agreed. Duh.

While I appreciate the efforts my co-room mom made in preparing for the afternoon activities, she once again went overboard. For instance, with regards to this candy mixture called Goblin Stew, she printed up cards giving each candy a Halloween name - Red Hots were called "Dragon's Blood", raisins were called "Squishy Eyeballs", pretzel sticks were called "Swamp Sticks", etc.. Cute, but completely unnecessary. One of the parents assisting us/me, was asked to bring in 3x5 cards so the kids could write up their recipes for their personal Goblin Stew. This next part just proves that she didn't communicate with me on the same level that I did with her because behind my back and without my knowing, she asked this woman not to bring the cards into class but bring them directly to her. She then printed on them from her computer "Goblin Stew" and a Halloween design.

It was the same with the Halloween Bingo game she opted to create from scratch instead of taking the easy way out and color copying another room mom's game. Once again, without her communicating this to me, she came to class, had taken pictures of each child making silly faces and photo-shopped their faces into Frankenstein's monster's head.

Don't get me wrong, I recognize the great effort she made and that she probably meant well although I truly believe there was a hint of her wanting our class to look the best out of all the 2nd grade classes. I do give her an 'A' for effort but if left up to me, I'd fail her because upon seeing our set-up, two of the other room mom's felt like their classes were lacking and that was exactly why we were told to keep things simple, so that no one else would feel bad. This need of hers to compete with others is completely unnecessary, in my opinion. While I'm sure our class's teacher appreciated it all, that's just not the point.

It's from my experience, that kids just don't give a shit about all the frills. Kids like things simple, the details usually go unnoticed. So all that extra effort for what?! You think the kids actually appreciate it?! You think they're gonna' run up to you, reach out to you, hug you and thank you profusely for making their day extra special?! C'mon! If you think that, you're living in a fantasy world!

You'll like this next part...at the end of the day, when everything was cleaned up and put away and I was minding my own business in the carpool line, my friend, the woman who's in charge of all the room moms came up to me to discuss something with me. She'd heard through the grapevine, aka two other room moms, that there "was a situation in the 2nd grade that needed to be addressed ASAP".

I realize that there are three sides to every situation - my side, her side and then the truth. According to my friend, it would seem that my side and the truth are one and the same. These other room moms, who approached my friend on separate occasions not knowing the other had approached her, told her the very same thing which was that my co-room mom is a problem. And when I shared my side of things with her, she kept shaking her head in disgust, agreeing that there was indeed an issue that needed to be addressed.

I expressed to her that I was sorry she had to get involved and it was up to her whether or not she decided to do anything about it. She decided that next week, she and the other woman who are in charge of all the lower school room mothers, are going to discuss the situation and if my prediction is correct, it won't matter if my co-room mom chooses to stay on as room mom, she may not be permitted to do so.

I'm really sorry for going on about this as I'm never one who likes lengthy posts. Unfortunately this tale is unfinished and I'm sure I will be blogging about it again soon. I apologize for my temporary illness, Fingerus Diarrheaus. Apparently, recovery is a slow process - first, it's fast, lingering and a bit uncomfortable. Then comes the recovery stage. I'm working on it but I'm running out of...ow, I have a cramp!

*snicker*

P.S. Happy November!!