oh happy day!

I'm having a good day today!

I've put thoughts of my family on the back burner. As the devil on my shoulder keeps telling me, fuck 'em! Thinking about them causes my stress level to go up and I have more important things to do with my life, like focus on my kids and worry about whether or not the next shitty meal I cook for them will poison them!

I was unable to rest comfortably at bedtime last night with the big boot on my left foot. It is heavy and can be rather irritating at times. I took it off and it was the first time since this shit happened that I was able to sleep without it on. And it was a decent sleep, too. Yay me!

Nearly four weeks after my accident happened, and I finally figured out a way to take Schwartz outside without having to maneuver stairs. While it's a little difficult to manage the lip of the doorway leading to my back deck, I'm able to put him on the leash and with a 15-foot lead, he can walk wherever he wants on our small back lawn. I'm very proud of myself!

*gives herself a pat on the back*

This idea came at a great time too because my neighbor at the house where my accident occurred, seems to have left town for the long holiday weekend without so much as a phone call before hand to see if I needed anything or to notify me that she wouldn't be able to help me with the dog! It's amazing to me how you find out who your true friends are when something like this happens! For instance, the gal who helped take me home from the hospital the night of the accident and who drove me around all over the place the following day has "disappeared". While I realize that she has her own busy life to deal with, there hasn't been a phone call nor an Email message from her in the last three weeks! Women from my kids' school who saw me at my son's orientation, who are well aware of my condition and whom I thought were friends, haven't bothered to call to see how I'm doing or offer their assistance in any way. If it were me, I would have called and dropped everything to do something for someone who'd had such an accident but I guess some people are so self-consumed and thoughtless that they're incapable of being gracious. As for those who have helped me, while I certainly appreciate their assistance, I feel like I deserve a little more courtesy and consideration. Or maybe those kinds of things only happen in a fantasy world and I have my head shoved far up my tuchas?! But for those who couldn't spare two seconds of their time, I hope they're never in such a predicament as mine because I can't guarantee that I'd be there for them. Yeah, I'm mean and spiteful like that!

After taking several weeks off from my photo blog (shameless plug), I've decided to kick it back into gear. Starting tomorrow, new pictures, photos that were taken before my accident, will be posted. If those of you who've never visited my photo blog (Oops! Another shameless plug, my bad!), please head on over there (Oh shit, did I do it again?! Shame on me!). I'm always looking for an opinion, suggestion and/or critique!

And speaking of photos, it occurred to me this morning that I have yet to show y'all a photo of what my feet presently look like so here you go...

Aren't they just purty?!

So what does my weekend consist of? Laundry and lots of relaxation! Hope y'all are having yourselves a wonderful time this weekend however you choose to spend it!

the family mess

Thank you everyone for your helpful insight into the situation with my family.

I'm back and forth with this fucking mess! One minute, the angel on my shoulder (I think it's Dave!) tells me to be the better person and let it go. That no amount of psycho-therapy and medication will help these people! Then the devil on my other shoulder whispers in my ear "Send the Email! Fuck 'em! Who cares if they're your family, they're a bunch of fucking nut cases!".

When push comes to shove, I tend to side with the devil in me in this situation. While I know that I should send the Email, that these people need to hear the truth, Dave...ahem...I mean the angel, has a way of pulling me back to my senses! That's not saying that I won't send the message, it just means that I need to put more thought into this before making my move.

It actually doesn't matter how long I wait or what method I choose with which to tell them, the consequences will all be the same. It will result in angry words thrown back at me and them trying to make me feel guilty for everything.

A few things...

Dave, I cannot tell my parents how I feel over the phone. I've tried before and I've failed at doing so mainly because my father will become his usual belligerant self and will take over the conversation, not allowing me to speak and he will do so in a very authoritative and gruff manner. Furthermore, it is difficult for me not to get emotional under these kinds of conditions, afterall, they are family, and it does not phase him in the least if I become emotional because he is not an emotional person nor can he easily show his emotions. Lastly, I have always been one to get tongue-tied. Basically, when push comes to shove, I write better than I speak. When I speak, nothing I want to say ever comes out. Even if what I write gets me into trouble and I have consequences to suffer because of them, at least I know I'm conveying exactly what's on my mind.

My sister and I will never sit down together to talk things over. She is incapable of doing so. My sister does not know how to talk to me without turning it into some sort of argument. She has been my worst enemy since the day I was born. Seriously. My mother used to tell me how not only was my sister an awful child (a 'bad seed' is what she called her) but my sister tried to choke me to death days after I was born. This kind of treatment continued all throughout my childhood and somehow, she managed to make me look like the bad person, the bad child, and I was always the one getting punished for her abuse. And when I say 'abuse', I'm not kidding. She used to verbally and physically abuse me. She would chase after me with knives, smack me around and even smack herself to make it look like someone else, mainly me, hit her. She even pushed me down the stairs once (stairs and I seem to have a love/hate relationship!). When we got older and I became taller, she could no longer physically overpower me to abuse me. She continued to tease me along with some of her friends instead of protecting the only sibling she had. She would steal my things, like clothing, and then I would get in trouble when I found that particular thing among her belongings!

If it all sounds like something out of a horror movie, I could make such movie alone on what I had to deal with growing up.

My sister and I have had these kinds of fights before. She is my father's daughter in the sense that when something doesn't go her way, she will punish everyone around her for it. As for the fights, it was always I who went back to her and put things to rest. She will never do that herself and I am not doing that this time, I absolutely refuse. I am 40 years old and if this is how she wants to treat me, I don't need that kind of person in my life, even if she is my only sister.

The decision I've come to is that while I'm gonna' hold onto the Email, I'm not saying anything to them at the present time. My mother is the only one who's contacted me and ironically enough, she called me today and immediately asked how I was followed by "Do you know who this is?" so she must realize that there is too much time passing between us talking.

As for my father and my sister, whichever way the truth is eventually revealed, it will come out. I would like to think that my family would come to their senses sooner rather than later but knowing how selfish and stubborn they can all be, I doubt they will ever figure out what the problem is until they're told. Some people are just stupid like that!

even the strong falter

I promised myself I wouldn't do this but when I was sitting here alone, in the quiet stillness of the early morning hours, I started thinking about my family and how sad it is that they hold such little regard for me, their own daughter/sister.

I have brief periods of sadness, like the one I'm having right now, where I'm unable to focus on the important things, like my kids for instance, and I take out on them whatever negative emotions I'm having at the time and that's just not fair. I cannot continue to let my family have this kind of effect on me and it's time I put my foot down.

Despite my efforts, even I recognize that this blog is a total fucking downer lately. I believe I have lost some readers due to them probably not wanting to read this same shit over and over again and frankly, I don't blame them. It is depressing and not the least bit interesting.

I decided that no matter what harsh response I will likely receive from my parents (this wouldn't be the first time that I've written them and they've responded in a negative way), I was not going to allow them to think that time passing would heal all wounds and that them brushing things under the rug, as they're accustomed to doing, was an acceptable apology. I've written them an Email and that's where y'all come in.

I've been trying to write it without an angry tone but it's been a difficult task. Everyone knows that trying to write something meaningful under such emotional stress doesn't usually work well. So here's what I have and maybe y'all can suggest different ways of saying things.

Mom and Dad, you must know how truly disappointed I am in the lack of emotional support you've shown me over the last few weeks, a time when having my family rally around me was something I really needed. Having friends and neighbors helping me is great but the emotional support of my own family was needed more. I know that this message will anger you and you will shoot back some harsh response probably blaming me for everything that's happened and that's fine, but there are some things I need to get off my chest.

Dad, while I have always appreciated the monthly checks, the cash handed to me during a visit and even now, you and mom paying for the aide service, there's more to supporting me than your financial assistance. I could have really used your compassion and emotional support when I called you during Mom and L's visit. Instead you yelled at me which really hurt. I thought you would have recognized this hours or days even after it happened but now weeks have passed and you're still giving me the silent treatment. I should have been treated with the same love and kindness I showed you when you were recovering from your surgery.

Mom, I don't think it could have hurt any worse than what you did, or didn't do, when you left. You stood at my bedroom door and told me to feel better. When you knew how sad I was about what was going on, you couldn't even bring yourself to come into my room to hug me. And then a week ago, you called me not to ask how I was but to ask about a bill. It took a week for you and Dad to send me an Email and then even that was void of affection. Maybe you and Dad didn't realize what you did, but I don't deserve to be punished for being unhappy and feeling helpless during this time.

As far as L is concerned, I am no longer interested in having a relationship with her. She rudely told me before visiting that her visit was not a social call and then proceeded to chew me out over the phone, telling me that I showed no appreciation for the effort she'd made even after I had thanked her up and down for all the help she'd given me. She told me that she was coming here to help me any way she could and then when I asked her to help me with something the second day of your visit, she bitched me out saying that's not why she had come. I then told her not to do that particular thing but she continued to display her nasty attitude towards me and stomped off. She had no right to come into my home and act that way towards me in front of my children. While I'm not faultless with regards to the fight we had, she had no grounds to be a bitch towards me when I simply asked her what happened after she fell in the kitchen. And then telling me that she would take the kids wherever, whenever she felt like it?? L has stepped on my toes when it's come to the kids far too many times and that was the last thing I will ever tolerate from her. Her so-called "apology" consisted of her ignoring me the entire last day of your visit and she didn't bother saying goodbye. Even if it was as fake as the apology she offered, it would have been the right thing for her to do for her only sister as I'm sure it would have been expected of me if she were in my situation.

Between all that and her speaking ill of me in front of the kids that day (and Mom, don't tell me she didn't because I could hear her all the way from this end of the house plus the kids told me that while they weren't listening to the exact words she was using, they did say she was being nasty), what kind of message does that send them? Not a very positive one and I don't need to subject the kids to her inappropriate and unacceptable behavior.

Also, with regards to her stepping on my toes, you can pass along the message to her that she is NOT permitted to buy the kids a Wii video game system as she told them she would without first asking me. Not only do we not have the space in this house, but this is a non-video house. They have their hand-held computer games and that's it. They both have hard years ahead of them in school and they do not need such a distraction.

Mom and Dad, I know from the past that your method of dealing with things is not to confront them and to wait, hoping time will help things blow over, but I'm afraid I can't let that happen this time. Things went too far this time, things that need to be dealt with. It's so unfortunate that I feel I have such an unhealthy relationship with all of you but I do and it's something that we all have to face. It's not going to go away and apparently it's not going to improve so I feel it's in my best interest that I keep my distance for awhile. As always, I will not stand in the way of your relationship with the kids but if things do not improve between you, Mom and myself, we will not be coming to visit for the holidays. And I can already tell you that we will not be visiting during the kids' spring break either as J has asked to have them during that time.

That is all. Feel free to respond if you wish.


Be honest and constructive, y'all! And thank you!

this and that

I like my new aide. She's nice, makes decent conversation and drives with both hands!

Enough about that! I've been going on too much lately about my ankles and the aide so I'm gonna' get down to bitchiusiness!

I know I shouldn't sweat the small stuff but for some time I've seen a particular TV advertisement, as I'm sure many of you have, and I just need to ask y'all something...

Does it bother anyone else that there's an oral contraceptive that's named after an '80s rock band??!

Seriously, WTF does the name, YAZ, stand for? Is it an acronym or is the meaning a little more hidden - your period, mood swings and urges to kill will only last as long as the band did?! I read up on the drug and I couldn't see anywhere how or why the name was chosen. Was the person(s) who chose the name drunk one night, listening to Alison Moyet's manly voice and thought, "Hey! That sounds like a good name for a female contraceptive!"?

And while we're on the subject of contraceptives, what is up with that pill, Seasonique?! First of all, a pill that nearly eliminates one's period isn't the first thing I think of when I hear the name. No, I immediately think of Garlique. Do we really need to equate a birth control medication with a stinky garlic pill?? Does that mean Seasonique makes your "Virginia" stink, too??! Man, 'cause if that's the deal, sign me up!! *snicker*

And speaking of vaginas, my daughter recently named hers. Bill. Seriously. In a way, it reminds me of that Judy Blume book, Forever I think it was called, in which the guy in the story named his penis "Ralph". Has anyone out there named their genitalia?! I bet that's a question you haven't heard lately! If you really must know, I've named my privates Augustus Lickinshmine, III. Auggie for short.

Oh shut up, I'm just kidding!

torn...

...between telling you more about my aide or just moving along and getting back to my regular bitching.

Wait...talking about my aide is part of my regular bitching!

Okay then...

Yesterday was the straw that broke the camel's back. She continues to drive with one hand and speeding on this one particular stretch of highway. After picking up my kids from school, while driving home during rush hour on this one road that really makes me nervous even when I don't have some stupid asshole driving my car, she took her eyes off the road to check her freakin' cell phone as she was quickly approaching the stopped car in front of us! Those of you who've been reading my blog for awhile know the beef I have with people who constantly have their phones glued to their ears while driving so imagine my disgust when she simply looked at her phone! I gritted my teeth so hard at that, I think I may have cracked a few of them. She speeds, stops short to the point of nausea and does so too close to the cars in front of us. I wouldn't be surprised if I'll need a new set of brakes after she's done fucking with my car. She also asked about a certain kind of music on my satellite radio. I had a headache at the time so the sound was turned all the way down. I guess she was expecting that I would check what was on so that she could start fucking around with the radio again. Rrrrrrrrr.

Usually, I carry around a large purse with me but because of my present condition, maneuvering crutches while trying to drag the kitchen sink around with me just isn't possible. I've been wearing this itty bitty purse that I can wear across my body while I'm walking but, of course, it doesn't allow me to bring my entire medicine cabinet along which includes my migraine medication. My migraine medication is something I always carry around with me because I never know when a headache will develop. One thing I forgot to mention to y'all was that last Friday, I carried along a plastic bag with me with a few important extras. After we had returned to the house later on, she asked me about the migraine medication. So not only did she take my car that day without permission to go on a Pepsi run while I was waiting with my daughter at her appointment, but this woman also looked inside the bag which was folded up and underneath the seat. She consciously took the bag out, unfolded it and looked in it and then didn't even give it a second thought to mention that she had looked into my personal belongings.

WTF is wrong with some people??! I bet if I laid $100 bill out in plain view, she would take it without hesitation. I really hate to say that about people but this is unfortunately what it's come to.

My daughter has what I consider an important doctor's appointment tomorrow but I've rescheduled it for when I'm able to take her myself. One less day that this woman will have to drive my kids around. I have her coming today but it's too late to cancel her or I already would have. My kids have their school pictures this week and they desperately need to get their hair cut so I can't be stuck without having someone help me. And when I call the aide service to report her driving today, I'm going to ask them to give me someone else to take me to my doctor's appointment next week. After yesterday, I just do not feel safe being in the car with her and even though she would only have to drive me that one last time (hopefully), it's just not happening.

UPDATE!!!!

I spoke with the lovely woman who's in charge of matching up aides with clients and she completely understood my concerns. I didn't see the point of going into any details about her looking at my personal things, her not doing so much to help me around the house or any of that other nitpicky stuff because my feeling insecure about her driving is my main beef. I guess it's not often that this particular aide drives people around so this woman said it was nice to get some feedback regarding her driving, even though they do an extensive DMV check on all their employees. I guess it doesn't really matter how spotless a driving record someone has, they may just be lucky avoiding the po-po and the accidents! Anyway, she's working on finding me someone new for my doctor's appointment for next week. I've given her enough notice that she should be able to come through for me. Luckily, the one other day this week that I need help, my aide couldn't help me so there's a new girl. We'll see if she passes the Jezzie test!

i've given up

No, I'm not committing suicide. But I am gonna' commit Bloggercide.

I have tried to no avail to comment to your blogs. For whatever Blogger's reasons, I can't seem to comment on many of the blogs lately whose comments section comes up in a separate window. I either can't access the comments with the window coming up as a blank screen or with some fucking message that reads the server reset itself while I was trying to access it OR by some miracle or Mercury being in Uranus *snicker* I can access it, I comment and then Blogger eats my fucking comments. This has been going on for days now and I'm at the point where if I ever crossed paths with some Blogger employee, the crazed, psychopathic killer in me would likely come out and I would slit his/her fucking throat.

Yeah, I'm beyond pissed off. How could you tell??!

I would enjoy being able to show y'all some lesbian loving but it's just not in the cards for me. Today may not be the best day for me - for starters, Schwartz has regressed and has shit in my house two days in a row and then fucking Blogger is being a tempermental, unforgiving horse rectum.

My mother called me the other day. Not to see how I was but to see why they were only being billed for one aide session. I told her the same thing I mentioned to her when she said she was hiring someone to help me - that I don't need help because I can pretty much handle everything on my own and anything I can't handle, the kids help me with. What part didn't she understand the first time I told her?!

Then she told me that my sister wanted to talk to the kids and that she hadn't been able to reach my son on his phone so I told her what had happened. She then asked if she could buy him a phone. WTF? He has a phone and he will get another one when I get around to getting it for him. If my sister doesn't want to be a perpetual cunt rag, then she wouldn't have to worry about calling the kids through my phone but since she chooses to be an unmedicated lunatic, then she'll just have to hold her fucking horses.

I bet you couldn't tell that this is an angry post, could you?!

I still haven't spoken to my dad nor do I intend to until the day he finally gets over himself and apologizes to me for the way he treated me when I needed his compassion and support. My dad is proof positive that even men at 70 years of age can't grow up. Sorry to all the guys who may be reading this but it's my blog, my opinion and I'm not here to save your feelings from the truth. I can't wait for the day when my family has the nerve to approach me to ask me when I'm coming to visit them for the holidays. Now that will surely be a story to post here!

And before I continue, half the post I originally wrote is missing because Blogger won't stop fucking with me. So allow me to rethink and rewrite what was here.

On Friday, my aide came to help me out. You can probably already hear an 'OY VEY' coming! We had been having torrential rain and high winds for several days due to Tropical Storm Fay and, of course, I needed to do some errands which required her to drive. I know, eeeeek! I specifically asked her to drive with both hands and take it slow because of the weather. I think she made it to the five-minute mark before removing one hand from the steering wheel! Listen, I understand about being accustomed to doing things a certain way, we all have habits that are difficult to break, but c'mon!! I let it go because she was taking it slow and not speeding and since I never like backseat drivers, I didn't want to make her more nervous than I already was! Despite the fact that at the end of her scheduled time with me everything turned out fine, I can't forget that we almost got into three separate accidents, none of which were her fault but after we had a near-miss on her first day of driving, I have to think she's just bad fucking luck!

I made the mistake of showing her how my satellite radio works so at traffic lights, while she should have been paying attention to what was going on around her, she was futzing around with the radio! Pushing the 'next' button over and over and over again until I was about to scream! I guess I have to say, that if she had to be playing with it, I'd rather her be doing it while stopped and not driving. If that had happened, she certainly wouldn't be my aide anymore.

After we picked my daughter up at school, I had to take her for a pierced-ear follow-up appointment. My aide dropped us off and I asked her to meet us inside. Literally, she disappeared. Ten minutes had passed and she hadn't come into the waiting room! I asked my daughter to go check on her. The parking lot barely had any cars in it and none of them were mine! She finally came in after my daughter had to go out a second time to find her and she showed up with a can of Pepsi. She didn't have that Pepsi when she left my house so clearly, she took my car to go find a place where she could get a drink! Without having my permission to use my car to do her errand!

And get this one...when we arrived home that afternoon, we had lost power due to the storm. She did a few things around the house for me but there wasn't much she could accomplish without electricity. I didn't really feel like having her hang around, getting paid to just sit there so I excused her 45 minutes early. Of course that was her idea, not mine! Wouldn't you know it? Five minutes after she left, the power came back on!

For all of you who suggested I report my aide, no worries there! However, I don't want to burn any bridges with this service before I'm done with needing their assistance because they have been very good to me as far as helping me with scheduling appointments and great about replacing this aide on certain days when I absolutely need someone. With only ten days left 'til my next doctor's appointment, I'm keeping my fingers, eyes and bra crossed that I will no longer need them after that time.

Both fortunately and unfortunately, my aide called in with car problems on Wednesday so they sent me over another woman. I adored this woman so much, she was such a safe driver and my kids really took to her as well, that if it weren't for her already having another client to tend to on the days that I'm scheduled to have an aide, I would have asked to be switched over to her in a heartbeat.

I guess that's it for me. I hope y'all are having nice weekends and I'm hoping my next post is a bit more cheery! Okay...a lot more cheery! In a bitchy kinda' way, of course!

guess which one pissed me off more

It started first thing in the morning with my realizing that my daughter, who is still in lower school, didn't have a full day of school but just a half day, to be picked up by noon. Of course a week ago, when I was arranging their carpools, I neglected to consider this usual first-day-of-school dismissal time and didn't have a ride for her to come home! And, of course, on the first day of school, they don't offer After Care as an option! Luckily, my neighbor from across the street came through for me again and we were able to pick my daughter up in time.

Later on in the day, the home aide came. Honestly people, other than needing her for food shopping, driving and some appointments here and there, I just don't see the fucking point to having this woman around. Now that I can use the crutches and even stand briefly on my better foot, I don't need her to help me inside my home.

Yesterday, I had her help me do a few things and all was fine. I started getting annoyed when it came time for the laundry. She helped me take the line-dried clothes down, brought them to my room where I parked bedside to fold clothes and all she did was sit down on my bed and watch me fold.

*blank stare*

Was this woman incapable of folding? Does she have an allergy to clean clothes that leaves her unable to touch them??!

Because I'm still fairly self-sufficient and have my kids around at times to help me, much time was spent with her sitting around and sifting through clothing catalogs. She has this journal she has to write in each time she comes so I took a peak and she made it sound like she was doing so much more than she really was. I don't want to be a bitch about things but I think if she's getting paid to be here and to help me, it's certainly not to be writing down imaginary shit and I will be reporting this to the woman in charge of this company when I'm through with their service.

Later on in the afternoon, we had to go get my son from football practice. Here is a woman who has never driven my car before and she drove the entire way one-handed. Even though I didn't say anything, that didn't fly with me. I don't even drive one-handed when I'm by myself in the car! The drivers around here are fucking nuts and one could lose control of their vehicle at a moment's notice around here even if driving with both hands!

She was also stopping too close to the cars in front of us, she sped down a highway that is known to have police monitoring drivers' speed, she was taking turns on the highway too fast which was causing her to suddenly break which jolted the car and she was tired, yawning in my face every other minute and not listening to where I was telling her to go. For instance, on the way home, I told her to follow a curve around to her left and she kept going right. I had to tell her twice more to go left and she actually said "You're telling me left but my hands want to go right.". WTF does that mean??! If your brain is too tired to drive then fucking tell me before we get into the damn car and you put mine and my daughter's lives in jeopardy!

Anyway, she realized her error but by that point there was some stupid driver right up our ass and when she finally woke the fuck up and started going left again, she did so without first looking and the guy nearly hit us. Of course he was at fault for following too closely, but she was equally at fault for not looking to see if anyone was coming.

I didn't want to be a backseat driver so I kept my mouth shut. This time. I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt even if I know it's not going to get any better. I've never claimed to be the perfect driver but this woman sucked donkey dick! As much as I don't want to get this woman in trouble, it's all being documented. When the managers initially came to talk to me, I asked about how their aides' driving records were and they claimed to check their records for the past 7 years. Sorry, that doesn't fly with this aide speeding every chance she got! They either didn't check her record completely or there are some records of speeding citations around there somewhere!

We got to the school, parked and waited. Then she popped the question and asked me if I go to church.

First of all, religion is one of the things I refuse to talk about on dates so why the fuck would I talk about it with a complete stranger?!

For those of you out there who think church-going people are the only people out there, please remove your heads from your asses. I find nothing wrong with people who choose to practice any kind of religion but I do have a problem with people asking me something that's really none of their business. As a Jewish woman, I obviously don't go to church, I don't want to be asked to go to church and I don't want you crazy fucking bible thumpers showing up at my front door with information about the church where you pray, trying to recruit me to attend the next service. NO!!!!! GO PEDDLE YOUR SHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE!!

Then she proceeded to ask me what being Kosher meant and if I grew up in an environment with people from other races and religions. WTF is this????!??! What part of 'none of your fucking business' did she not understand??!

Okay...all that shit was done, my son was finished with practice and we were on our way home. We got home fifteen minutes before she was done but she called in and reported that she had finished and then hightailed it outta' my house with a few 'goodbyes' to me and the kids and one 'see you tomorrow'. Uh, pardon me but what happened to those last fifteen minutes that you got paid for leaving before your time was up??

Onto other things...like my parents' Email message they sent me a few days ago.

When I looked at it again, it reminded me of a business exchange. "Please give us an update. Thanks, Mom and Dad". No 'Love, Mom and Dad', no affection expressed whatsoever. So they got an equally cold response from me...

I'm fine, thank you. I'm walking a little with crutches. The kids are fine. They started school.

I guess they think they're the only ones who know how to be insensitive bitches. Needless to say, I have not received a response back from them nor do I expect I will. Their whole purpose for writing was not to find out how I was but to find out how the kids were. Which is fine. I don't resent my children because my parents love them. Anyone who has kids know that once the kids come along, you're all but forgotten. What bothers me are insincere messages from parents who truly only give a damn about themselves.

Last but certainly not least, just this morning, I heard Schwartz gnawing on something hard, something he shouldn't be chewing on. It was my son's cell phone. Shot to hell. Tooth holes on both the back and front, one right through the fucking battery! Turns on but nothing but a blank screen appears. My son's cell phone is going away indefinitely. If he can't be responsible with it, then he's not responsible enough to have it.

I'm done. Or at least I hope I am! Who knows? I have physical therapy in 20 minutes, things go to shit now!

well, looky looky

Guess who finally got in touch with me?

I received an Email from my parents today asking me for an update. While I don't care to play games, I'm very tempted to make them wait a few days before I decide to respond. I guess I won't be holding my breath any time soon that they'll offer me sincere apologies, but at some point before our next visit, I will make it clear that my former sister is to keep her distance from me at all times.

Yes, I said former sister. I am no longer interested in trying to maintain a relationship with some mentally fucked-in-the-head lunatic who's hated me her entire life. Why do I need someone like her in my life just because she was a mistake and should have never been born?

In other news...I've gotten over that first hurdle. I had four physical therapy sessions last week, and by Friday I was able to maneuver my front steps. This time however, I stayed on my feet instead of rolling down the stairs. Just a little gimp humor.

I'm also able to stand for very short periods of time without the crutches by applying all my weight on my right foot. I'm sure I shouldn't be doing it but my kids aren't tall enough to reach certain shelves yet!

Today, thanks to my neighbor who was able to drive me, I was able to attend my son's 6th grade orientation. I hated that every other person asked me what had happened. I downplayed it as much as possible given that the woman who was wheeling me around was also the woman whose property was where the accident occurred!

Now for the *bad* news...

I'm more pissy than usual. When the kids came home from their dad's last night, it dawned on me that I'm cooped up in this house for another few weeks until my next doctor's appointment and I've become very angry about having to wait. I never thought I'd hear myself say that I'm bored with TV, reading and sitting on my ass! Anyway, from the moment they walked in the door, I started snapping at them for the most ridiculous things. On an irritability 1-10 scale, I'm a 30+. It's like PMS and pregnancy hormones wrapped into one fucking obnoxious package. It's like a fingernails-on-a-chalkboard competition. It's like a fingernails-on-a-chalkboard versus a dentist's drill competition. Uch, you get the point.

I also haven't been able to take any photos lately so for those of you who frequent my photo blog (shameless plug), consider me on hiatus. Just like I haven't really visited your blogs lately, I'm not motivated either to post anything to my photo blog. I do apologize about not visiting your blogs but it's very difficult to stay on the computer for very long periods of time because it becomes uncomfortable. Don't ever think for a minute that I don't love y'all!

For the few of you who participated in the contest I was having, I didn't forget about it but a few things happened...first, like I said, only a few participated and I mentioned that I needed at least 4-5 people. Secondly, I ended up catching a documentary on the type of prize I selected for the contest and it scared the shit outta' me! The prize was a Voodoo doll and, well, basically this person, a high priestess, said unless you know what you're doing, don't fuck with it!

When I was much younger, my mother went on a trip to New Orleans and brought me back an authentic Voodoo doll. I tried to hex and curse people but, damnit, it didn't fucking work! This particular Voodoo doll I had in mind for the contest, came with various spells that could really fuck a person up and while I have a growing list of some people I'd really like to fuck up for life, I decided that I shouldn't mess with it. Maybe some other day when I have nothing better to do with my time, I'll go shit on their lawns instead. *snicker*

poop in your shower to save georgia

See this man? His name is Luke Tanner. Remember his name. Remember his face. He is to be avoided at all costs.

Anyone who's a Facebook member knows, that you can not only join different groups but you can create them. This disgusting pig formed a group of the same title of this blog post. The description of the group...

As we all know, Georgia is in a serious drought. Something you didn't know was that every time you flush the toilet it wastes 9,000 gallons of water and a baby dies. So during the month of December I am calling for everyone to save your toilet water by double tasking and pooping in the shower! Come on everybody, you can do your part. Go green by going in the shower!

First of all Luke, if you're 'going green' in the shower, there's something seriously wrong with your body. Most of the time that someone 'goes green' it means they have some kind of gnarly virus or parasite lurking in their digestive tract.

But let's talk about going in the shower, while we're on the subject and all. I think we can all admit that we've all peed in the shower at one time or another and I'm no talking golden showers, thank you! Sure we could leave the shower, asses wet and chilled as we make a dash to the toilet, but why bother? Now, as far as pooping goes, are you fucking nuts?!?!?!??!?!

When I shower, my goal is to get clean, not have my shower floor stained with shit particles or my shower pipes clogged with shit remnants. If a shower was meant to also be a toilet, wouldn't they all come with a flushing system?! My God, Luke, what are you thinking??! Or has the shit that's now clogging your shower now clogging that space between your ears too?!

And WTF was that stupid comment about a baby dying?! People would rather hear about eople dying from a lack of water than to hear/read stupid comments about dying children. Just sayin'.

I realize that probably half of the groups on Facebook are just for laughs but I can't even laugh at this one! I can appreciate shit humor just like the rest of y'all, but just trying to envision Luke squatting by the drain in his shower really is enough to make me wanna' yarf!

And while we're on the subject of shit, I thought I should just let y'all know that my ass parts are on fire. No, this is not a job for Preparation H man, my son has given me a virus. He had these very same symptoms yesterday and I began experiencing them this morning. Of course the one time I can't run to the bathroom whenever I want, I have to get something like this, right? At least I've become hell on desk chair wheels! You should see me whip around this house!

commercials we love to hate

There are some commercials that are absolute genius. Then there are commercials that are so completely ridiculous, you find yourself cursing at the TV.

Like the latest Secret advertisement of a woman with a sleeveless shirt on, walking about town, talking about how wonderful her new anti-perspirant is as she's touching and sniffing her armpits out in public. Seriously, who the fuck does that in real life?! If I saw someone do that, I would run to the nearest police officer and report to him/her that I just saw someone touching and exposing themselves in public.

The part of that commercial that just really makes me want to reach through the screen and strangle the woman is when she walks in front of a police car, raises her hands and exclaims "I'm innocent!". She sniffs her armpit and then adds "And fresh!". WTF? She might as well drop her drawers, get a whiff of her snatch and do the same thing, it's just so fucking stupid!

I think this same punishment should be bestowed upon the actress in the commercial. Okay...maybe not that punishment. Maybe she should just be forced to go without shaving her armpits for a month.

And at least I know I'm not alone. I found the following comment while surfing the net for information on this commercial:

I switched from Secret to Dove Deodorant because of the ridiculous ad you are showing on TV right now. I don't know anyone who goes around stopping cabs just for pleasure, nor do I know anyone who would step in front of a police car and start sniffing their armpits!!

I guess the whole point of advertising is that it's memorable and sticks in a person's mind. Oh, it's stuck in my mind alright. This is something I wish I could forget!

boy, i really hate this!

I had my first physical therapy session today and it went well. My therapist is this lovely gal who took it fairly easy with me on my first day. She checked to see how much range of motion I have and, as I thought, my right foot is much better than my left. And (drum roll) she had me up and walking with crutches! It was slow-going but I did it for a few minutes...'til my left ankle felt like it was pulling a bit. I didn't attempt any stairs yet as we've had some very rainy weather lately and I don't need to fucking slip down anymore stairs!!

She taught me how to exercise my feet/ankles doing the Alphabet. For those of you who've had such therapy, you probably know what I'm talking about. For those of you who don't, I have to "write" out in the air, forming each letter with my foot up to four times/day. It's not the easiest thing to do right now, lemme' tell you! But, the more I do it, the sooner I'll be back to being the crazy woman running around like a chicken without a head!

Soon after she left, my feet felt like lead weights and I had to rest for awhile. Even now as I'm writing this, they both still ache a bit. My left foot and calf are a bit swollen but my right foot/ankle are not swollen at all anymore.

This afternoon, a new home health aide came to the house. Thankfully, Schwartz took to her pretty fast. She's very nice and helpful but other than my kids, I'm not liking someone helping me. I wasn't planning on having her go food shopping for me today but I didn't have much for her to do inside the house so I sent her off to the store. I had to send her back a second time because she's not the best shopper! She bought some things that we won't eat and I was not going to keep these items so I sent her back to return/exchange them. Some of the things I was specific about, she got the wrong item but I just kept them anyway because I figured that we can still use those items plus she forgot a few things. I hated sending her back but my list was clear, specific and very legible and I wasn't about to keep those items that she mistakenly bought. I apologized so I'm hoping she didn't have a problem with it but if she does, she'll have to take it up with her boss.

To conclude, I'm not sure I will have someone come in three times/week. I just don't think there's enough to do and even though my kids aren't that excited about helping out, they are old enough to not only be able to assist me but to learn about being responsible.

Now for my family...

Adding insult to injury (what an appropriate phrase for my situation, huh?!), is the silence from my family. I hate them, I really do. I'm really devastated that they are my family. Since they left Tuesday morning, there have been no calls or Emails to see how I'm doing. They knew that I was supposed to have therapy yesterday and they knew I was going to have an aide today. Maybe I'm kidding myself, but my idea of a loving family are people who would have looked past my faults and my unhappiness during this time. A loving mother would have put her arms around me to comfort me. A loving father would have recognized my cry for help, wouldn't have yelled at me and would have offered more supportive words then "If you want them to leave, then tell them to leave." and would have called back to apologize and/or comfort me when he realized he had hurt me with his tone.

Or maybe that kind of family doesn't really exist. I don't know, I've never had any family members as described above. Thank God for my kids who would hug and kiss me all day long if they could. If I didn't have them during this time, I truly don't know where I'd be.

The worst part about the silence treatment I'm being given is that I'm sure my mother and sister have told all their friends what an inappreciative asshole I am. They probably had one heck of a conversation during their eight hour drive back to my parents' home. Hopefully, someone they talk to about me will help them see how difficult a time I'm having with all this which will help them recognize that I'm not this horrible person they think I am.

Unfortunately, the longer they wait to get in touch with me, the worse my reaction will probably be towards them. And I know I should just let it go and not make things worse with my words but I've never been one not to say what's on my mind and something tells me that they need to hear what I have to say, despite the consequences I might have to deal with.

Tomorrow, I'm making a deal with y'all...I'm gonna' get off the depression train 'cause it's been one hell of an awful ride, and I'm gonna' get back into my regular bitching. While all your words have been so wonderfully encouraging and supportive, I need to whip myself back into shape here and I can't do that unless I make a solid effort.

Time to go do my foot exercises! Yeah, fuck me!

y'all are the awesomest!!

I just wanted to thank each and every one of you who've responded with kind and supportive words over the last few days. Your thoughts have really helped me get through this. It's amazing that most of you whom I've never met have been more helpful to me than my own family. My family thinks that doing physical things for people is more important than just listening.

On top of everything else, another disappointment was added to my already existing funtastic arrangement! I was supposed to have my first home physical therapy session today and just as the guy was on his way here, he notified me to tell me that my insurance didn't cover it and oh yeah, bah bye! Clicking over to the call on the other line, it was his boss who pretty much told me the same thing. I let her know how completely incompetent I thought they were that they found all that out when he was scheduled to be at my house then and not before they got my hopes up and how much time of mine they wasted. Of course they were completely apologetic and I told her to stick it.

Hey listen...on most days I act understanding to such people even when I'm not but I'm in no fucking mood to play these games!

I called my orthopedic doctor, left a message for his nurse and she called me back with some news that brightened my day. She found a PT practice that is in my network and I start tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed for me that I can handle this bullshit!

My right foot, the less injured foot, is doing better. The other day while giving myself a bath, I noticed that it was black from bruising from ankle-to-ankle. My foot was swollen and blech, looked deformed! Today, it all looked much better. My foot no longer looks like the Elephant Man's cousin's foot, the swelling has gone down and the bruising is slowly subsiding. My left foot has had no swelling and no bruising. Go figure!

Back to my family for a minute...while I really don't want to discuss them any longer I thought I would share with y'all that they knew I was scheduled to have a PT session today and no one bothered to call. This is how self-consumed my own family is. I'm sure my mother went home and told everyone what an awful person I am. Fuck 'em. In a week if I still haven't heard from them, they are going to get a scathing 'goodbye' Email from me. They will never hear from me again. While I will never take their grandchildren away from them, they will have to make the effort to see them as I will never spend one more precious minute of my time and money going to visit them. I refuse to travel eight hours to receive that kind of abuse.

Anyway...again, THANK YOU from the bottom of my...feet! You guys have really helped me!

well, that was fun

I'm sick and tired of this bullshit.

Let's see...

My mother barely said two words to me today. When she left this evening, the last time I''m to see her for who knows how long, she wished me well while standing in the doorway of my bedroom. Not once did she approach me, hug me, tell me she hoped I felt better, nothing. That's my mother.

My sister, with her so-called apology from yesterday, didn't utter a word to me today. Didn't look at me, didn't come in the same room as me, nothing. She's shit anyway, so that really doesn't matter.

And don't you think my kids pick up on this silent treatment? What kind of message does it send to them when my own mother and sister don't and won't speak to me?

My father, who ripped into me yesterday after I mistakenly turned to him for his support and assistance, has still not bothered to contact me and apologize to me for the tone he took with me yesterday. That's my father.

This is my family. Am I lucky girl, or what?

The person who shall not be mentioned here continues to be nasty to me in the form of Email messages. I am not able to get on the computer more than twice a day, if that, and I am being treated by him like I am lower than scum. I am the one who has done most of the legwork when it has come to finding people to take our children to school when it starts next week, and I am being treated like such shit, you would not believe. The lack of respect I receive from him as our childrens' mother is truly astounding.

I am saying this to you guys not to shock you but in all honesty, for those of you who know me by name, if you ever hear of my death, you tell people to look at him first. I don't think he'll ever grow a backbone to actually physically do anything to me but I know he hates me bad enough to want me dead.

I am so under-appreciated for the shit I do, for the person and mother that I am. I am hated by my selfish family. They love me only for my children. I am sick of feeling like this. The only support system I have here are a few friends who have done everything they possibly could for me and it saddens me that I don't have anyone else who actually cares about me. And I'm not talking about a boyfriend, I'm talking about a loving family who cares that I'm hurt. Who cares that I'm sad. Who cares that I need people in my life right now to help me.

For those of you who know me, you know that I'm a fairly strong person. That's what sucks the most about being in my present position. I don't care if people hate me. I don't care if people say shit about me. But right now, I need people to be behind me and I just don't have that. I'm alone. I'm all fucking alone and I can't handle it right now. I'm sad. I'm sad that I can't put my kids to bed at night and for so many other things. I know this won't last forever but right now, it's just plain awful.

The health aide whom my family hired to come in and help me out for a few hours/week didn't work out. She was here ten minutes before I finally asked her to leave. She was told ahead of time that we had a dog, a big dog, and she was very uncomfortable around him. Anyone who has a pet knows, that if you show fear, animals pick up on that. Schwartz sensed her fear from the moment she walked in. In fact, it took me five minutes of telling her to come into the house and that he wouldn't hurt her before she did so. She wouldn't stay seated which agitated Schwartz. The second he approached her, she'd stand up and back away which started him barking even louder. I can't tell you how many times she stepped on her boss's toes trying to get away from him. Despite my repeatedly telling her that he was sensing her fear and that he doesn't bite, she wouldn't stop her shit. I finally told her that she needed to leave. That my pets weren't going anywhere and she was making the situation worse. Her boss apologized but I was fed up by that point. I don't have a lot to do inside my home except make phone calls which I can do from a chair or my bed. My kids, although they're getting tired of it just a week into this madness, can help me with a few things around the house. I don't necessarily need an aid but I'm not paying for it so I'm not stupid, I don't pass on free things. But I don't need the grief in hiring someone.

Anyway, this woman's manager apologized, said I wasn't going to be charged for today and that we'd try again with someone on Wednesday. If that doesn't pan out, I'm telling them to return the check my mother gave them and that will be that. If you think I had little patience before, think about how I am right now.

I'm sorry for this post. They just keep getting worse and worse, I know. I wish I liked to drink because I would get drunk and stay that way until my next doctor's appointment. That way, I wouldn't give a shit about all this.

I'm sorry I've been such a shitty blogging friend. I have not been to any of your blogs because it's hard to stay at the computer for very long. Hopefully, I will start feeling better soon. I hope everyone is doing well.

i know i shouldn't whine but...

...i'm doing it anyway.

This day was for shit. Not only did I have a mother and sister who ignored me for the rest of the day (then again, I didn't go out of my way to talk to them either), didn't offer to get me anything to eat when they took the kids out for dinner or say 'goodbye' when they left to go back to their hotel for the evening, but the person who shall not be mentioned here is still so bitter towards me after all these years that he still likes to insult me every chance he gets. According to him, I'm doing all this for attention. Yes, I threw myself down some stairs because I wanted to injure myself so that I could get waited on hand and foot (which isn't even happening) and oh yes, I just adore being sad and teary-eyed all day long. WOO HOO for me!!

When I realized I have reject losers posing as family members and an ex that I can't get out of my life because he won't let me, depression set in. I fight back tears every other minute. My kids are being the sweetest children on this earth and all I know how to do is cry. I'm pathetic.

My children were exposed to massive amounts of insults as my sister and mother talked about me to each other in front of my children. Who knows what my children even think of me? They don't know how to react to people who do that. They don't know how to defend themselves, how would they even know where to start defending me? They both claim that they weren't paying attention to what was being said but how do you drawn out some psychotic bitch who should be strapped down to a gurney?

This treatment I'm receiving from my family is just not right. And I'm an asshole for continuing to put up with it for this long. I realize that my relationship with them is not healthy and that I should not be in touch with them anymore but how do I break these ties?

Don't answer that. I'm just writing out loud. Well, y'all know what I mean. The answers have to come from within, I know that but I'm not sure I'm brave enough to make them.

it was bound to happen

As predicted, my sister started being a bitch as soon as she stepped in my house this morning. A fight ensued about my recycling, of all things, which resulted in my telling my mother either she get a backbone for once in her life and tell my sister to STFU and stop talking down to me in front of my children or they were both welcome to leave. I told her that while I was appreciative of everything they had done for me thus far, it did not give them the right to treat me like shit when they didn't get their way. My mom, sister and I ignored each other for the rest of the morning.

Later on in the morning, my son accidentally dropped some water on the floor. He tried to clean it up but my sister slipped and fell. I asked what happened and she bit my head off and angrily said "You know exactly what happened!". That was it, folks. I snapped. I screamed like you probably have never heard anyone scream and told her to get out of my house. That I would not be spoken to like that in my house. The look in her eyes showed that she never saw that kind of reaction coming and probably, no one had ever spoken to her in such a way before. Well people, you treat someone like shit over and over and over again, you're bound to get a little bit of that shit thrown back at you.

Do you know what she did? She came after me, the psycho that she is, got right in my face and screamed at me for me to get the fuck out of my own house and that she would take my kids anywhere she damned well please with or without my permission. I'll tell ya' something, when she got directly in my face, it took every ounce of will power for me to not lay her out on the floor right then and there and trust me, I could have done it even from a seated position. But then, I didn't need her gushing blood from her nose onto my nice wood floor.

My mother...OMG my mother. She is a spineless wimp and I called her that directly to her face. She took my sister's side. She, who usually knows better, allowed my sister to speak to me the way she did in front of my children. And you better believe that I called my mother that directly to her face. She deserved it and she needed to hear it.

Then I made the mistake of getting my father involved. Not the least bit sympathetic to my situation. He said they were there to help. Yeah, help me jump off a tall building maybe. So my father told me that he would talk to my mom and call me back. He calls me back to tell me that my mother is upset. Excuse me?! I got reamed out by a psycho cunt from hell and she's upset? I'd be damned if I'd let her get the sympathy in all this! My father started yelling at me and I hung up on him. So now he can go fuck himself too.

My daughter came into my room and I asked her what they were saying about me. We were at two ends of the house but I could still here my sister speaking ill of me around my kids. Do you know how much that upsets me? To be constantly undermined and talked about so that my kids will hear such angry words, you can't even imagine how I feel unless you've experienced something similar.

My mother and my sister wanted to take the kids to see a movie. My kids asked if they could go and I told them not unless I received an apology from both my mother and sister. I heard my daughter repeat it to my mother and sister and I heard my sister say "That's not going to happen". Here are two people in my house who do not pay my mortgage or any other bills who think they can treat me like shit and expect that I will stand for it. I was determined to put my foot down any way I could. Well, any way that didn't require me to actually put my foot down.

I heard my mother's phone ring. I knew my father was calling her. She came into my room and tried to tell me how upset she was. I told her to shut up. I told her again that she was spineless and that she had no right to take my sister's side when she, my sister, was clearly wrong. That she, my mother knew damn well that my sister shouldn't have been speaking like that to me in my home and she did nothing to stop it. That I am her daughter too and even if I don't have the same relationship that she has with my sister that she is obligated to act like my mother if she really cared and stop picking sides. This got to her. She got tears in her eyes. Boofuckinghoo.

Then she actually tried to blame me for my father getting angry at me! I yelled at her that I would NEVER be blamed for his temper, that he had a temper long before he had surgery and that I was calmly telling him my story when he chose to take an angry tone with me. And then I told her I wouldn't deal with his shit either. I told her that they better all get their act together where I was concerned or they would never again hear from or see me and the kids again. Ever.

She apologized. However insincere it was, she did it. No one in my family ever apologizes to anyone. My sister did not at the time and I made it very clear to my mother that if my sister did not apologize for her psychotic episode displayed in my home, that they could stick it up their asses and get the fuck outta' my home. Yes, I used those exact words. I am not exaggerating anything, folks. I'm telling you exactly how the situation played out.

In the meantime, the person who shall not be mentioned here and I had been exchanging angry Emails this morning. I'm being accused of sitting on my ass (well, that's a given) and doing absolutely nothing to arrange carpools for our kids for their school and my son's football practices when all I've been doing is just that. Prior to this, I had written him several Emails about what I had done and what I was waiting on to be confirmed. Talk about him needing to clean the shit out of his eyes and actually reading what was being written to him!

My sister came into my room to apologize at the same moment that I was fed up with the Email exchanges and felt it necessary to call the person who shall not be mentioned here. Apparently he is very against my family helping our kids get situated with various carpools to and from school. Why? Beats the fuck outta' me. He continually forgets that despite my injuries, my family being here is more about the kids than it is about me. Yet, he can't stop hating me or my family for two seconds. For those of you who've been with me for awhile, you'll remember a few blogs back how I was this close to being sued by him for some of the content of that blog. He can't seem to shake what happened back then and tells me he hates me and everything about me and then in the next breath tells me that I should go consult with a doctor! Pardon? Why should I go see a doctor? For bitching now and again on my blog about what a dipshit he is which is a normal complaint by anyone who's been divorced from such a schmuck? Who's the one who still, well over a year later, can't let that old blog go?

Basically, I told him to STFU too. I told him he could hate me as much as he wanted and that he could drown in his anger and never forgive me if that's what made him happy, I had to tell him several times that it was about the kids and getting them taken care of and not me. What were his responses? He kept on going and going, talking about how rotten a person I was and that he hated me. Whatever loser. If it makes him happy to say shit about me and talk ill about me to others, more power to him. Apparently he thinks I give a shit what he and others think of me.

So my sister apologized. Insincere at best. I simply nodded, hugged and kissed my kids and told them to have a good time at the movies. Even though they apologized, it's highly doubtful that I will be speaking to either of them for the remainder of their visit. For those of you who say 'let it go', YOU let it go. I've had to deal with this kind of bullshit my entire life. I am 40 fucking years old and I do NOT have to tolerate this kind of shit any longer. I am angry at myself and my present situation. I am angry that I have a family who only cares about themselves despite claiming to care for me. I am angry that the only support system here are a few friends. I am so fucking tired of people treating me like shit and thinking they can get away with it.

I have nothing left to say other than I wish I could go back in time and wish this shit never happened to me. It's so beyond ridiculous already. One person should not have to deal with this much crap.

mothers and sisters and help, oh my!

I'm hanging in there. Kinda'. This sitting on my ass all day long is for the fucking birds!

My mom and sister showed up for just a little while last night after their long day of traveling. My sister immediately took over and for once, I'm glad that she did. She's very organized and had taken care of getting in touch with all the appropriate people who can help take care of me. Today we started getting down to business.

I hired my neighbor's cleaning girl the other day and since my house was a total wreck, she spent a good part of the day here and still didn't touch on everything. My sister tidied up a little more as she wanted to be prepared for the home health care interview this afternoon. The interview went well and starting on Monday, I'll have someone come in for four hours, three times/week. Not that I really want the help but I have no choice at this point. Even though my kids have both been a huge help, I cannot rely on them for everything nor do I want to. They're kids, for crying out loud! I need to let them enjoy their childhood!

I am getting by on the massive amounts of help from friends. The person who shall not be mentioned here made it very clear that he's not going to help me which means that he won't be helping his own children because, as usual, he fails to understand that it's not about me but it's about his kids getting from point A to point B. It's okay for him to come home from work to take care of his wife's dog that was stupid enough to drink pool water or to take his wife's daughter from here to there all the time, but when it comes to his own kids, he or his wife aren't able to help me out. So, instead I'm relying heavily on other people and coordinating through them when they'll be able to take my kids to and from school when it starts in a week and I absolutely hate it because they have their own busy lives to deal with. I realize that it's not forever and hopefully sooner than later I will be back on at least one foot but still, it bothers me a great deal. I mean shit, I have a neighbor that's never met me before all this happened and she sent over a lovely zucchini nut bread but my own ex won't lift a finger for me. Amazing, isn't it? Even though I don't expect or ask much from him these days, it still amazes me that there can be such a selfish person.

Anyway, all this doesn't mean that my mom and sister aren't annoying the living fuck outta' me! My sister is taking control alright...telling me to do this, that and the other thing. Um hello! Cripple here! That's why you're here, to help out!!

I'm feeling a little bit better. Other than slightly pushing off of my better foot here and there, I have still not taken the risk of stepping or standing on either foots. That's for my physical therapist to torture me with!

Stay tuned!

the good and bad news

Hey folks! Thanks SO much for the well wishes, suggestions and sweet messages! I'm feeling a bit better today although the pain medication has left me with a hangover I just can't seem to get rid of. Bah!

Let me back up for a moment and tell you some things about the night of the accident. While waiting in the hallway of the ER (it was jam-packed when I got there like I had crashed some kind of party), it seems I became the talk of the ER. Huh? A woman has two broken ankles?! I heard people mumbling about it. I even heard a someone say in a nearby police officer's radio "There's someone there who has two broken ankles?". I'm surprised I didn't make the local news on TV.

I tried looking at the brighter side of things while I was there. I figured it had already happened and there wasn't much I could do about it. If there was a way to go back in time and prevent the accident from happening, I would have! A paramedic walked by and said "I guess you're not going to be going skiing any time soon!" with which I responded "Good thing I don't like skiing!". While the doctor was recording the information about my case into the computer, I tried Lamaze breathing for the pain in my left ankle. He looked over at me, asked if I was hyperventilating and I said "I'm trying Lamaze but it didn't work then and it's not working now!". Of course he giggled 'cause I'm a funny fucking bitch even when in pain. A 20-something girl was wheeled into the ER with two police escorts. Apparently she had been involved in a bar fight and had a broken nose. She was trying to act like she was all cool and shit by smiling and bragging about her broken nose. She looked at me and gave me the sign of the devil. WTF?!?! I looked at her, told her I had two broken ankles and flipped her off. One of the police officers snickered. So you see, I tried to maintain a good attitude about things, lol.

Unfortunately, yesterday morning was filled with emotion that I just couldn't control. I was having very little luck getting an appointment with the orthopedic doctor referred to me by the hospital. He was just back from vacation, he was busy and his secretary was a fucking POS and nasty to me. At one point, I had to resort to calling the ER to find out if they could refer me to someone else. Their policy - whomever was on call the night I was in their ER was the one I had to be referred to and the one I had to see. If I came back to the ER, I wouldn't be permitted to see the orthopod on call because he wasn't the one who was on call the night I was there. HUH?! Can you say "fucked up"?! In other words, they wouldn't refer me to anyone else and there was no fucking way in hell that I was going back to the ER to ring up another extensive bill.

I was about to have a meltdown when my sister insisted that she try to talk to the doctor's office. I knew what she meant by "talk". Her method is to bitch everyone and their grandmother out and then tell them when they'd see me. It seems her method worked because a nice doctor there said he'd fit me into his schedule...even though he kept me waiting for two hours, I'm still grateful.

So here's the good and bad news. The good news is that while I have bone chips in both ankles, they're not officially broken. They are, however, severely sprained, especially the left ankle and sprained parts take longer to heal. My left foot is in a boot which is the most uncomfortable thing to deal with. I was more mobile with the initial splint on my foot. I've already strained my thigh muscle from this contraption because I'm not allowed to apply any amount of pressure to the left ankle and I have to do my best to keep it elevated and off the floor even when in motion around the house. The right ankle is in an air brace and does not really hurt that much so I can apply some pressure and I use it to help me get around. I'm still getting around using my son's desk chair and it works for me so I'm "pleased" about that. I was given a prescription for a wheelchair which I have but I have too many corners in my house to be able to maneuver it so I will only be able to use it when I'm outside the house. And lucky me is going to start having home physical therapy next week. Yay me!

Have I mentioned yet that on top of all that I have my period and my daughter gave me her cold???

The good thing about this is that I got out of my trip to Florida with the kids. The bad news is that my mom and sister are coming into town tomorrow to help out. 'Help out' in this situation means be critical of the way my house looks and bitch at me every other second. My sister has already bitched me out several times about how inappreciative I am about their help even though I've thanked her several times for everything they've already done for me. Whatever, I can't be bothered with the bullshit right now. I gotta' try to make the best of a bad thing, ya' know?

Also starting next week, I have home health care coming to help me out around the house. My mother made a point of telling me this person will help bathe me. Um...unless this person is some built 20-year blonde, blue-eyed man named Lars, this person ain't touching me. If I don't like getting massages from strangers, I'm certainly not stripping nekkid for someone to bathe me. Especially since I knew perfectly well how to bathe myself, thankyouverymuch!!

I have several friends bending over backwards for me and while I'm so appreciative of their help, I absolutely hate not being able to do things for myself. My neighbor across the street where I fell is being so unbelievably sweet. Not that she wasn't before but she feels so guilty about what happened. She even unnecessarily bought me a gift for taking care of their dog. When I'm back on my feet, I'm gonna' owe these people big.

That's pretty much all the news I have for now. I'm sure I'll have something to bitch about once my family is here so until then...