stupidfuckfaceasscrunchermotherfucker

Oh yeah, this is another rant regarding Mr. Mentally-deficient AKA the person who shall not be mentioned here.

Last week, there were quite a number of kids missing from the weekly swim meet. This required all the kids to swim in many more races than usual including my daughter. The meet really kicked her ass and she was spent for the rest of the week so when she asked me on Friday morning if she had to go to swim practice, I told her she had worked hard that week and she could miss it that once.

Fast forward to today when I specifically Emailed the dipshit who shall not be mentioned here and told him that because she missed practice on Friday, she had to go to it tonight.

Earlier today, around one or two o'clock, there was a thunderstorm that passed through here. I didn't get any Email messages that my daughter's evening swim team practice was canceled so I knew they were waiting 'til the last minute to see if the weather would allow them to swim.

Around 9:15pm, he brought her home and the first words out of his mouth were "I didn't make her go to practice because of the storms".

What fucking storms, you assmunch?! The storms had passed and regardless that we've been under a severe thunderstorm watch all afternoon, the sun was out and shining at the time of her practice and YOU SHOULD HAVE FUCKING TAKEN HER WHEN I TOLD YOU TO!!!! What part of she has to go to swim practice did you not comprehend?????

I've learned over the years that the only way to get things done around here is if I do it myself. When he picked my daughter up earlier today and asked me who was taking her to swim practice this evening, I should have said that I'd do it because somehow I knew he'd fuck things up again. No surprise there. I mean, how fucking incapable can one person be?

And the fact that PMS has already set in has not helped matters. I'm a raging bitch at the moment. More than usual. And that's pretty fucking bad!

I was going to send the shit-for-brains

a scathing Email message but then I figured why waste my precious energy? He's definitely not worth my expending that kind of energy so let me just end this post on one final note...

And people wonder why I get so many freakin' migraines.

the unveiling

This is it! I have finished putting the final touches on my photo blog and I don't think there's anything left for me to do. The rest is up to y'all. So scoot! Get your fannies over there and tell me whatcha' think!

Hope y'all have had as quiet and uneventful Sunday as I have!

i can't believe i ate the whoooooooooole thing!

OMG. If someone wouldn't mind handing me a pin, I would like to pop this balloon-of-a-stomach of mine. Talk about a food baby!

My daughter and I went out for a steak dinner this evening and then ate far too much. I stuck a candle in my steak and my daughter sang Happy Birthday to me! THEN, as if the appetizer, bread, salad and main course weren't enough, we had to, according to my daughter, stop at the supermarket two seconds down the road to get a slice of cake for each of us.

Honestly, I think I'm gonna' explode. Or puke. Whichever comes first! I'm not sure which is better.

I had a great day today! My first day taking pix for my photo blog! I awoke really early because there were a few shots I wanted to catch at sunrise. However, they didn't turn out as expected. One was on an overpass and I was surprised at how much traffic was going by at 5-something in the morning! And those driving were just as shocked to see some dimwit walking on a highway as I was at how fast those fuckers were going! I finally decided that I didn't have a death wish and didn't want to die on my birthday so I turned around on the highway to catch something else I had in mind. I picked a good time to go back to my car because soon after getting in did a cop pass me and I would have surely been ticketed had he seen me walking in the dark, just begging to be hit!

I was close to missing the sunrise and wanted to capture a particular object. Soon after getting out of my car, a pickup truck passed me, then slowed down and backed up! It was a nice guy seeing if I needed help but it could have been anyone and I got a little scared. So I quickly snapped a few shots but when I imported them to my computer later, the sunrise was beautiful but you couldn't see the object so I'm just gonna' have to shoot the object in mind during the day another time.

I had a few more stops to make then treated myself to breakfast while waiting for my next and final stop to open. My blog is this close to being launched! Yay me!

Thank you to those who wished me a Happy Birthday here as well as called and sent me Email messages! I feel no older than yesterday but gimme' a day or two for it to sink in! *wink*

the day before

Well, it's almost here. The one day I've been dreading for at least the last five years.

I remember the line from When Harry Met Sally in which Meg Ryan's character cries,
I'm gonna' be 40!
Billy Crystal: When?
Meg: Someday!

That 'someday' is tomorrow for me. And ya' know what? It'll still feel like today only I'll have some family members making a huge fuss over me and trying to make me feel old! Or at least trying to convince me that I'm old!

After all the arguing that took place with the person who shall not be mentioned here, he ended up trying to joke around with me about my age. Actually, I should say he failed. There was a time when I wanted to be friends with him and for some reason, usually whenever it suits him, he seems to think that he can still talk to me in certain ways as if I'm interested. In the past when I've tried to lighten the mood or make a joke with him, he usually stays stone-faced and just rolls his eyes. I'm pretty sure his recent marriage has caused him to lose his entire sense of humor. But who am I to judge?! *wink*

Anyway, after the whole thing was said and done he wrote back:

Mid-life crisis time.

My response:

Men go through mid-life crisis. Women improve with age.

No response needed from him, no response given.

And it's also not necessary for me to run out and buy a Mercedes convertible like he did when he turned 40. Despite mini-vans being the ugliest thing that car manufacturers ever created, I like my mini-van just fine. I don't have a need to impress other people with material things.

And now y'all should bow down to me, bitches! I am the awesomest!

I have learned how to use my new digital camera! Over the last few days, I spent a rather lengthy amount of time searching for a decent template for my photo blog but nothing caught my eye. Instead, I decided that just creating a simple one through Blogger was the way to go as I don't want something too busy to take away from the photos. The blog is set up, I'm headed out tomorrow to take some pictures and I will probably be launching it sometime this weekend! WOOT! WOOT!

Have a great day y'all!

is there something in the fucking drinking water??!

Did I miss the memo that announced this was "Be a Pain in the Ass to Whomever You Can Week"???

I thought my room mama drama would end once school did but no such luck.

Back in May when my daughter joined the swim team, I discovered that my former co-room mom, the sow from Colombia Hell, had her two sons signed up to participate. Well fuck me! I knew at some point this would only mean trouble and last night there was a bit of it.

Let's just say, she must have really concocted a tall tale or two about how awful I was because I had a few words with her husband last night plus I had a very close encounter, too close actually, with the sow herself!

Every Tuesday night the kids have a swim meet. Last night I was asked to work the "bull pen" which, for those of you who don't know, is where the kids gather and are organized for their specific heats. I was simply thrown into it and asked to shadow those parents who'd worked it before. Fine, whatever, I'm cool with that. Anything to help out.

However, every week both the bitch and her cocksucker husband have been working the bull pen despite not being signed up and they act like they're in charge.

I finally found my groove and when Mr. Cocksucker was off not paying attention to what he was supposed to be doing, I was rounding the kids up for their events and shuttling them to and from their respective lanes. At one point I was sitting there getting ready to organize another group when Mr. Cocksucker walked over and stepped in. I asked him if it was time to load another group and he rudely said "I know what I'm doing.".

I was not about to be talked to like that so I said...

"That's not what I asked you and yes, I appreciate the fact that you've done this before and that you know what you're doing. However, I was asked to help out so while you were watching the swimming when you were supposed to be over here, I was doing what was asked of me and if you don't like my helping out, then you can go complain to T. (the woman in charge of the swim team) but you will not speak to me like that just because you are more familiar with this than I. We're supposed to be here to help each other, not be rude."

He probably couldn't get over the shock of my speaking to him like that because he was civil to me for the rest of the evening.

That wasn't the first problem, though. Earlier in the evening I had my run-in with his wife, Mrs. Cocksuckersowrudebitch. I was asked to load a certain group of kids and as I approached the lanes with the kids following, the sow pushed her way through and was telling the kids where to go. I said with a genuine smile "I already have it covered." and continued on with the kids. She nastily said "This isn't your job!" of which I responded, "Last I looked, you weren't on the sign-up sheet so it's not yours either. I was instructed to do this and you'll kindly mind your own business."

Which she did for the rest of the evening.

What a bitch! No, I take that back. There really are no words that best describe her. WTF is wrong with some people?! It's okay not to like someone but Jeebus, learn how to be fucking civil for Pete sake! I tell that to my kids all the time but they must teach their kids to be as mean as possible to anyone whom they don't like. Please, allow me to sign them up for Parents of the Year!

And guess who was also giving me more grief yesterday afternoon? Yup, you guessed it! The person who shall not be mentioned here!

Apparently, it's not only my fault for being organized and responsible with setting the kids up with day camps back in the spring and also arranging and rearranging my upcoming vacation with them to visit my family in August in order for the kids to be able to attend the camps they wanted, but that I cleared the dates with the person and confirmed them with him several times so that they wouldn't interfere with any potential vacations on both sides. Because now that he's planning on picking my son up from camp and wants to take the kids away for the weekend, it's my fault for doing all of the above because he now cannot do what he wants with them and I should consider changing my vacation plans so that he can do what he wants. (Did y'all get that?!)

Stand back, folks! The steam emanating from the top of my head might give you third degree burns!

This was my response:

J., I have always been very flexible when it comes to your schedule and when you want to see the kids or take them on vacation. You decided to think up some plans for the weekend T.'s to come home from camp before inquiring about the kids' plans and whether or not there would be any conflicts so please don't blame me now that you have to rethink your arrangements. I am the one who has always scheduled their summer camps and I have never done so without first consulting with you on the dates. And just because you have to change your plans does not mean I am going to change my vacation plans to visit my family. I have never asked you to change and/or cancel your vacation plans and I expect the same consideration. This was done several months ago when I was making their arrangements for camp and I rescheduled my trip to Florida based on your telling me that you had no conflicts with it. You can't just suddenly expect me to change my schedule around to suit yours just because you're angry that you can't do what you want with them when you want especially, as I've already said, that I am always very flexible with you otherwise and that our dates for my vacation and their camps in July and August were already discussed and confirmed previously.

Ya' know what his fabulous "suggestion" of my canceling/moving my vacation was based on? The fact that my son would be missing football camp before football season started and that if he didn't participate in it, he wouldn't be permitted to be on the football team if that's what he chose to do.

*heavy sigh*

Lemme' tell you a little story...

My son played on the 6th grade football team last year. He wanted to try it, gave it a go and decided towards the end of the season that the sport wasn't for him. He switched his attention towards baseball as being the sport he wanted to be involved in and you've read about his experiences with baseball here and how much he enjoys it. Now a certain someone is under the impression that just because he played football in school, that my son should play it too no questions asked and that he will me missing out on it if he doesn't.

Well, I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but not everyone loves football and not everyone wants to play it. And no, I'm sorry, but not everyone in the entire 6th grade is going to go out for the football team in the fall, as you seem to think they are. And no, people don't feel like they're missing out on something they don't enjoy doing!

What the hairy FUCK!

THEN he told me that should our son decide he wants to play football, if he misses the week that I'm to be on vacation with them, that he will not be allowed on the team. I told him he was wrong, that because he was already on the team the coaches knew who he was, how he performed on the field and would certainly let him on the team. Furthermore, I added that I knew of several kids who were on vacation last summer during the practice camp and they were still permitted to be on the team.

Do you think he'd take my word for it?! Of course not! He requested the coach's Email address and several minutes later he Emailed me back and admitted his mistake in thinking that our son would not be permitted on the team if he missed practice camp. Gee, I could have told him that! *rolls eyes*

They say things happen in 3's. I've now had two arguments with him and an issue with my former co-room mom and her icky husband. I think I should be good to go for awhile!

learning how to say 'no'

Sorry folks, I've got another rant here and I really fucking hate starting my day off in such a way.

When I got divorced, I still did favors for the person who shall not be mentioned here. We had a decent, respectable relationship between us back then and I didn't mind. However, over the years things have declined considerably. Those of you who've been reading my blog for awhile understand why that is. But just to give you a 'for instance', it's okay for him to ask me to watch the kids on weekends that he has them, but when I had a party to attend one weekend night this past spring, he once again had reasons why he couldn't help me out. I had to miss the party because I couldn't find anyone to watch the kids and as it turns out, I found out through someone else that the woman throwing the party was really insulted that I didn't attend and will no longer speak to me. Sure enough, the very next weekend he had the balls to call me up and ask me to watch them. What did I say? "NO!". I have a very open relationship with my kids, they tend to tell me everything and their dad ended up not going out and could have watched them for me.

Over the years, he's done that to mutual friends of ours as well, well they're just friends of mine now, calling them up just to get a favor out of them and then not calling them again for any other reason. He has pushed so many people away because of that, it's just putrid behavior in my honest opinion.

So the above example was the first time I said 'no' to him. I felt guilty and good at the same time. I'm the kind of person who will gladly do favors for people but there is only one person whom I expect to reciprocate and that would be him.

Let me refer back to this past May, where my son had a face-to-face with the root of a tree at school that required some stitches. As I would do in any situation that required my immediate attention where my kids are concerned, I dropped everything, raced to the school, picked him up and took him to the doctor who stitched him up.

So I get an Email message last night:

Would you please contact T's school and get a copy of the accident report when T had to go get stitches.

My insurance is requiring it and currently has rejected the claim until documentation is provided.

Cost for his procedure and follow up were 800.00

Thanks


Um...how does 'no' sound to you?!

I responded with giving him the name of the school nurse and both her work and home phone numbers. He responded again asking me to do it because I was the one who dealt with her in that instance. HUH?! Excuse me, but I'm the one who deals with her every time the kids get sick or have an injury, thank you! And by the way, what the fuck does my dealing with her have anything to do with him not being able to call her?!

My last and final response:

No, I'm afraid I can't.

Back in the spring, when you asked VM what her opinion was on choir or an instrument for T, I asked you to ask her what the 6th grade band leader's name was and instead of helping me find out, you instructed me to call V myself. This is the same kind of situation and this is just an example of what causes problems between us. You want me to do favors for you, but you aren't willing to reciprocate.

You are T's parent too and K is a very nice woman who will recognize your name and remember the situation. The phone call will take you but a minute or two out of your schedule.


I'm tired of being treated like a personal assistant. And the sad part about it all, is if he treated me in a more respectable manner, I would have had no problem making the call for him.

And if the person who shall not be mentioned here is reading this, for the past seven years, I'M the one who has received and paid the bills for both kids for bookstore charges, school outings and all other extras that aren't included in their tuition that have totaled way over $800 and not once have I asked you for your financial assistance so you really need to kiss my ass. And by the way, it's your fucking insurance, deal with it yourself.

Rant over. Enjoy your day!

one way or another i'm gonna' get cha', i'm gonna get cha', get cha', get cha', get cha'!

If anyone here knows me from my years of blogging, you know that I'm not someone to fuck with. And that is exactly what's happened.

Someone from my past has reappeared in the form of an harassing Email message. I already know from past experiences with this person, that this person is emotionally unstable but that is no excuse. I have not had contact with this person in several years nor have I had the urge to. I am not quite sure why this person contacted me but the harassment will not be taken lying down.

I am someone who fully believes in Karma. There is a lot of negative "karmatic" energy between us and this person now has it coming ten fold. In most cases I would let it go, but there is no reason why this person should be contacting me or doing so in such a condescending manner so something needs to be done to shut this person up once and for all.

Here's where this person fucked up. I have this person's Social Security #.

*insert evil laugh here*

I know that with someone's SS#, you can retrieve any and all information about the person. The problem is, I cannot find a site/place that will allow me to retrieve said information without a price which totally sucks an iguana's nipples. They all say they're free, you plug in your information and up pops a form with a certain fee attached.

That's where y'all come in - I'm putting you to work as my own private dicks.

Heh. I said 'dick'.

If you have any suggestions on a good way to truly fuck with this person and/or any recommendations for sites that you're familiar with that will allow me to gather really good personal information without it costing an arm and a leg, I will reward you handsomely. Don't know what the handsome reward is just yet, but it will truly be more handsome than...than Brad Pitt even.

For those of you who are saying "Leave well enough alone." not a fucking chance in hell! I left well enough alone and what did it get me? An unsolicited, harassing Email message from some psycho. I don't take this shit lightly. People have to understand that they can't get away with treating people this way even if they are fucked in the head and have the incapacity to think clearly without medication.

Moral of the story...if you think it's good to be bad, tell your shrink it's time to up the meds!

i'd like to thank the Academy...

I had written a long-winded post about how I finally took the plunge and of my experience buying a really sweet digital camera but then something else happened that seemed so much more important than telling you about my crying jags at trying to figure out how the fucking thing works so instead I'd just like to give a big, juicy, tongue-kiss to Tug who inspired me to get off my tuchas and take the leap into photography that I've been wanting to take for years and I'll tell you how things are going at a later date. Like if I end up throwing the fucker against the wall or something.

Now in other news...I'm a weiner!! For those of you who said "Tell me something I don't already know!" I have two words for you, FUCK and YOU. *snicker*

One of my newest favorite blogs is Confessions of a Random Chick. That RC is one funny gal! If you're ever down and in dire need of spewing your favorite drink all over your computer screen you should go visit her.

So I popped over to her blog the other day while she was having a caption contest and I wrote what I thought was a really bad caption. Shit, the only other thing I've ever won in my life was a national book award in Hebrew School when I was in the 3rd grade, so I was determined to win something else before I die! Apparently, RC thought my caption was winnable material and so I've won an Amazon gift card. WOOT! WOOT!!

Just so you know RC, this gift card would have come in mighty handy the other day when I was buying my daughter yet another Gameboy Advance Micro on Amazon, but I digress...

And I know exactly what I'm gonna' get with my gift card...

This is actually a book that came highly recommended by the middle school principal at my kids' school for the parents to read so they can learn how to adjust to our growing children's behavior. It has little to do with religion because religious groups of all kinds learn from reading this book. So thanks again, RC! I've been wanting to get this book and now I have a great reason to do just that!

In other news, my daughter farted so loud last night, I thought a nuclear bomb had been detonated in my backyard. Even the dog was running away. And the worst part about it is the smell followed her around for hours. Everywhere she walked, there was a cloud of green fumes. To say it was nasty would be an understatment. I had to shove cotton balls up my nose so that I wouldn't continue to smell her stench.

And even more news, the newsletter posted on the camp website said that my son, along with a few other boys from his bunk, started off as beginner drummers and after just three days can now play high school marching band warm-ups. WTF?! I can feel a migraine coming on just thinking about it. What part of my telling my son that he can choose to play any instrument but the drums [because of my migraines] does he not understand?!??! I think he has a sudden death for me skillfully planned out.

Alright, yo. I have to go to the pool and do some laps. SO excited, lemme' tell you. Have a good one, bitches!

what more can i possibly say?!

I need some suggestions please.

By the look of it, my son is having a fabulous time at camp. In pictures, he is surrounded by boys who have their arms around his shoulders when they're posing so I know he's adjusting well and has made some friends. I'm hoping to purchase as many of these pictures as possible to make an album of his first summer at camp but the problem is, he keeps posing in this gangsta rapper way with upside down peace sign hand gestures and a screwed up ghetto-looking face like he thinks he's the shit. Or constipated. Whatever the case, he's totally his father's son, 'cause the more I ask him in my Email messages for him to smile once in awhile, the more he poses in that way! And guess what? He's not the only one who's doing that! Girls are posing that way too! Is there something with this gangsta posing that's so special that I should know about?!

And my family...OMG, my fucking family! They are driving me batty because I sent him with a baseball hat and sunglasses and he has yet to wear either of them and everyday my parents and sister are sending me messages that he's still not wearing his hat or sunglasses and he's gonna' hurt his eyes or burn his scalp, or blah, blah, fucking blah!! I mean, WTF do they want me to do about it?! If I were there, I'd physically put a hat on him, glue it to his head if I had to, but I'm not so what more can I possibly do or say to get him to wear one or the other or both?!? He knows he has this stuff, he just chooses not to wear it!

I've told them several times to let it go. If he doesn't wear a hat, he doesn't wear a hat. Everyone else in his bunk seems to be wearing a hat so maybe he'll catch on eventually. But the fact is, again, he's his father's son so if he doesn't think of the idea himself he just won't do that particular thing. Shit, I worry more about him using his SPF!

And do you know what my mother had the nerve of doing this morning? She called me specifically to tell me that I should stop asking him in my messages for him to wear his hat and stuff! Huh?! ME?! I'm not the one who's been nagging him about that stuff, they have! Then she told me, which kinda' made some sense actually, that if my son isn't going to do it on his own and his counselors aren't telling him to do (which I don't know for a fact that they aren't), that I'm his mom, I have the right to tell him to do something and that if he's not gonna' do it then I'm entitled to contact the camp director and have him tell my son to do it. Which I just did - I sent the camp director a message and just minutes later he responded saying

"Go Fuck Yourself!"

*snicker*

No, he said he was gonna' get right on it but the above is the second part of this post.

Anyway, I'll let y'all know if I see pictures today with his baseball cap on but if you come up with any other ideas for getting him to wear his cap and SPF, please let me know!

So in other news, I reported my landscaper to the Better Business Bureau yesterday. I did it online rather than in person because they wanted a gazillion copies of everything. It probably would have been more effective had I done it in person with all the Email evidence to back up my claims but I really don't have the time. One of the questions they ask on the form is what is the desired outcome and I wrote, *snicker*, an apology for treating me in such a nasty manner. Then I wrote "I'm assuming Mr. Webb will not grant me what I wish so my complaint is just for the BBB to have evidence of his awful behavior on record so that other consumers will know how unprofessional he really is." Yeah, that's sure to get me an apology, lol. But that's okay because now his crystal-clean reputation is tarnished and that, to me, is more satisfying than getting an insincere apology from him.

Oh, and when I don't get the apology after the 30-day waiting period that the BBB requires, I'll be contacting the INS about Chuck's immigrant employees.

Life can be such a bitch sometimes. And so can I. *wink*

the weirdest journey ever

There are some things about the trip I took on Friday that I didn't tell you about in my last post.

Most of the ride was on back roads. Through country...country! Dilapidated double-wides inbetween beautifully manicured horse and cattle farms with small churches on every street corner. Trust me, people, that's a whole lotta' churches! Small, two-block, one-sheriff towns with most shops unoccupied and boarded up. More cemetaries in these towns than actual living people.

And then, in the midst of it all, there was a replica of this house being built. Out in the middle of nowhere...

I am so not shitting you. In the middle of East Bumsfuck, Georgia, someone is building the house from the Psycho movies. I mean, WTF??!?

I wish I had an actual picture to show you. I had my camera out today and I was ready to pull over the minute I saw the house. The problem is, there were so many business and alternate routes on the way, that I took a wrong turn and completely bypassed the area where this house stands. So the picture will have to wait for another time.

Then during this alternate route I took, I passed a Sheriff's car on the side of the road. Before long, he was following me and gaining speed. I thought maybe I was going too fast so I slowed down but he never did anything except tail me for about a mile or so. The last thing I wanted to happen, was be pulled over by some redneck cop in some no-nothing town who may have wanted more than to just check out my proof of insurance, if you catch my drift!

At one point I looked up and he was no longer in my sight. I looked again in the rearview mirror and he was turning around to go back in the direction from which he came. This really scared me because that made me realize that he was following me because he was suspicious of me and not because he hadn't seen the new 2008 Chrysler minivan up close! He probably checked out my tag number and driving record, too. And the bad part about the whole thing is that soon after he started following me I realized that I was not on the right road and I couldn't raise his suspicions anymore than I already had by turning around so I had to keep going! I knew that this road was eventually going to take me to where I wanted to be but it was just taking me through towns I didn't need to be in and making my trip a little longer.

After this trip I've come to the conclusion that small-town America really creeps me out. No offense to those of you who may reside in small-town America, of course! It's just not for me!

home again

Today was the first day of camp for my son. We showed up at 9:15 and he kicked me out shortly before 10!! I'm actually glad because the hotel was scuzzy, I slept like shit and as soon as I got home I took a two hour nap!

Anyway, we arrived in the Blue Ridge Mountains on Friday and my son was in awe of his surroundings. However, that feeling soon left him and he spent the remainder of the evening sulking, afraid that no one at camp would like him. It was very sad and I felt bad for him. But, I know he has a lot more self-confidence than he thinks he does and when Saturday came and he saw the camp for the first time, his mood changed for the better right away. He was the first one in his bunk to arrive and he clicked with his three counselors right away. One is from England and taught my son how to play Rugby in about five minutes. They also shot some hoops and skated at the skate park. Yes, the camp has a skate park, go-carts, paintball and an arcade, just to name a few activities. But the camp is not all about sports. They also teach vocals, guitar and drums. One of my son's counselors is instructing drums and taught my son how to play drums in about ten minutes. Oy, my freakin' migraines!! The third counselor will be instructing paintball. I know my son will dig that!

So he picked which bunk he wanted to sleep in and I helped him unpack. From about 10am to 5pm, we spent the day there, taking a tour, getting to know the camp, watching a water skiing demonstration and just having fun! Another new camper arrived in his bunk shortly before the water skiing and they spent some time together. It was nice to see my son bond with someone.

I couldn't get my son to leave and if it weren't for the counselors having a meeting to attend, he would have stayed longer! My son was so excited about everything, he couldn't stop talking about it and around 7-something this morning, he jumped outta' bed and started to get ready! My son has never gotten up from his bed so fast in all his 10+ years!!

My son has three awesome counselors. There are counselors from New Zealand, Australia, England, Germany, Israel, France and oh yeah, the U.S.!! When I went to camp, I had some foreign counselors as well. I mean, how could anyone forget Lulu, the tall, thin, blonde bombshell from Sweden who wore Daisy Dukes every day?!?!?!? Or Philipa from Australia who kept a jar of Vegemite underneath her bed?! *gag*

The camp director has also been sending frequent updates. He's already taken pages and pages of pictures and posted them on the camp website. There are two pictures of my son, his counselors and bunkmates. It looks like he's having an awful time! *wink*

I'm glad I'm home but I do admit that as much as my son complains and fights with his sister on a daily basis, the house is a bit empty without him!

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

as the colon churns

D-Day.

Later this morning, I'll be starting on my journey with my son to take him to overnight camp. A life-changing experience for him, a rite of passage for everyone involved.

As with all stressful moments for me, my colon has decided now is as good a time as any to wreak havoc.

It started last night soon after my kids came home from their dad's. I waited patiently at the door as my son buried himself into his dad's gut, clinging to him and crying. Despite my being so excited for this opportunity for my son, I had been crying a little earlier in the evening as well. Not having my son here for a month is gonna' be huge and while I realize time will move for him like warp speed, the lack of his presence here will make things slow down to a crawl for me.

The familiar uncomfortable pains I get from having "nervous bowels" began and I had to make a dash. I'd do my thing and minutes later, the pain would appear again. Then it happened and I'm sorry if this is too much for some to handle but it turned to liquid. The "stuff" that happens to me when a stomach bug is about to make an appearance.

I'm not a religious person but I looked up, focused my attention on whatever higher power is out there and said "You fucker. You picked now for this to happen?!".

I was tired and all I wanted to do was sleep but the sharp pains interrupted that. Finally, I drifted off and awoke a little over an hour ago to the cable going out and the loud staticky noise that eminates from the TV when that happens. Life was determined to fuck with me any way it possibly could!

And if that wasn't bad enough, yesterday afternoon I called the hotel where we're supposed to stay simply to confirm my reservation and the gal I spoke with, the same one who took the reservation a month ago, didn't have me in their system! It didn't matter that I had a confirmation number, she didn't have my fucking reservation. I was pissed and told her she better be able to accommodate us given that she was the one who fucked things up. She apologized profusely, even gave me the excuse that she had gone in for surgery and perhaps the day she had taken down my information was on a day that she had some personal things going on and she didn't log it in right. I told her I didn't give a damn about her personal issues and I wasn't gonna' be made to suffer for her incompetency. If I get there today and shit still isn't right, heads are gonna' roll. I may even decide to fling my poo at her if provoked.

Luckily for her, my bowels seem to be in check right now. It was not a stomach virus as originally thought, just nerves. I'm certain I will continue to crap my brains out up until the time we leave and well into our drive, just hopefully not in my pants.

see what a little practice will do?

Last week was my daughter's first swim meet of the summer season. She was in the very first race and as she was waiting for the race to start, I glanced over and noticed she was so nervous she looked like she was gonna' yarf.

She swam, smiled at me and then broke down. She cried, she screamed at me and then she got over herself in record time. Talk about someone not being able to handle the stress of competition!

She did that one other time during that meet after swimming the backstroke. "I hate the backstroke! I'm never swimming it again!", she said.

Uh huh. Yeah. Okay. Whatever.

She swam in her second swim meet last night. She got first place in Freestyle and Breaststroke and second place in Backstroke.

What was that bullshit about how she was never going to swim the backstroke ever again?!?!

She was so proud of herself, you should have seen her prancing around there like she fucking owned the place!!

Of course I'm exaggerating just a bit because those places were in her individual heats. When all the times were actually tallied, she placed fifth in the Freestyle, tenth in the Backstroke and was disqualified from the Breaststroke! I'm kind of annoyed about the Breaststroke. I thought she did great and a mom's opinion should count for something, right?!

Now, let's talk about the facility in which the swim meet took place...

Fucking EW, man!!!!! To the 100th power!

The pool was icky. It looked like they hadn't cleaned the grout around the tile since the turn of the century. MOLD-Y. The color of the bottom of the pool made the water look algae-colored and there was so much film on the top of the water because of the kids natural body oils and the SPF on their bodies, I could have used some to slick back my hair. The length of the pool wasn't standard Olympic-size so the kids actually had to swim 37 yards instead of 25 (one length).

And the locker room...

Well, I honestly think I may throw up just telling you about it. Good thing I haven't eaten breakfast yet!

I think the last time they updated it was the 1970's. I think the last time they cleaned it was the early 1800's. It was scuzzy and smelled like someone had taken a huge, hairy dump in the middle of the floor. They ran out of toilet paper and we had to resort to using paper towels. If I had a bottle of hand sanitizer with me, I would have poured it over my head to cleanse myself.

I should also mention that the people who were in charge of running the swim meet at this facility were incompetent boneheads. For those of you who don't swim or have never watched a swim meet, there's something called "heat sheets" which includes information on all participants races, the lane they're in for the different races, their times from previous races, etc.. This place almost had to forfeit due to their incompetence. They didn't have the heat sheets ready and then when they did, they only provided information on their team. Then when they revised it to include our team, it was wrong. Then they revised it again. By the time all that nonsense was done, the meet started nearly thirty minutes late and they had to scratch all the medley races. My kids and I didn't leave there 'til 10 last night.

All-in-all, aside from the bathroom, it was a fun time!!

caught between a rock and a molar

When I was a child, my father used to write me notes from the Tooth Fairy. When my dad had his teeth pulled and got a full set of dentures, I wrote him a letter from the Tooth Fairy. When I had kids and they started losing teeth, I carried on the tradition of writing letters from the Tooth Fairy.

Over the years, I have suffered from mild bouts of guilt due to this deception we call the Tooth Fairy. Hey, I'm Jewish, my parents molded me well. No really, I do feel kinda' bad keeping up this charade. My son is ten, has only lost eight teeth and still wants to believe in the magic of the Tooth Fairy while I'm sure he has friends who are probably telling him that there's no such thing as the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, etc.. And as soon as he finds out the truth, he'll probably tease and torment my daughter about how she believes in something that isn't true. And then I will have to admit that I have been lying all these years. Oy, the guilt!

Anyway...

My daughter is in the process of having six teeth extracted from her mouth. On Monday she had two pulled and on Monday night "Tobey the Tooth Fairy" (yes, I named the Tooth Fairy, shut up), paid my daughter a visit. Tobey left $4, $2/tooth. Tobey is gonna' have to hock her fine China if she has to keep giving out money like this every week for the next four weeks.

Monday night, I was so fucking exhausted, I almost told my daughter the truth about the Tooth Fairy at bedtime. Can you believe I was actually considering traumatizing my daughter just because I was too tired to see straight and I wanted to go to bed?! I could visualize her curling up into the fetal position and crying all night long, wailing...

"Fuck the Tooth Fairy! What about my money???!"

I know, the horror.

Could you imagine someone doing that to you when you were younger? I think the conversation would have gone something like this...

child: Oooohhh! I can't wait! The Tooth Fairy is coming tonight!!

parent: *grumble grumble* Honey, I hate to break it to you but the Tooth Fairy isn't real. I'm the Tooth Fairy. I sneak into your room at night when you're sleeping and I leave you a couple of bucks, steal your teeth, put them away for safe-keeping but years later discover that I've lost them or the dog thought they were a treat and ate them to forever be lost in one of his poops and then I pretend to be overjoyed the next day when you come into my room at the asscrack of dawn squealing that the Tooth Fairy visited you and left you some money that you will probably spend on some stupid shit like candy or Pokemon trading cards. Now go to sleep and have sweet dreams! And if you can't sleep then keep yourself busy by staring at all the scary shadows the trees leave on your ceiling and walls but whatever you do, don't come into my room until, oh let's say, 12pm tomorrow afternoon because I'm really exhausted and I need to get to bed.

So I snuck into my daughter's room last night, the teeth rattling around in their little plastic treasure boxes and I saw a note. It's stuff like this* that makes it worth pretending to be the Tooth Fairy and having to stay up a little late at night...

Dear Toby,

Hi do you rember me? I'm B. This year for a few weeks I am getting six teeth pold from the dentist. Today I got two teeth pold. And when you read this letter can you please poke at my face. Because my friends don't believe in the toothfairy and I want to prove it to my friends.

Love,

B.

P.S. You Rock!

* I wanted to paste the actual note here but I wanted to edit out my daughter's name first. Of course, my computer was being a tempermental twathole and kept freezing up on me so I decided instead to just post it as my daughter wrote it, misspellings and all.

Oh and by the way, I did not poke at my daughter's face! I didn't read the note until after I left the room and I certainly wasn't going to tip-toe back in just to poke at her face! Furthermore, why the hell would I poke at my daughter's face?! Truthfully, I think she was still feeling the effects of the gas when she wrote that.

When she gets her next set of teeth removed, I'll do one better...I'll write her a letter and tell her that I, Tobey, farted in her face. She'll probably like that.

sweet dreams are not made of this

I had a dream last night and it scared the living shit outta' me!

I really hate when my dreams are this vivid and that I can still remember them hours after waking.

So here it goes...

I awaken and sense nothing is wrong. I walk out of my room and notice my son's room is empty, void of any furniture, pictures, doo-hickies, etc.. Nothing that would make his presence known. Outside his window, I see a very large, dark-colored, unmarked moving truck with men packing their truck with my home's belongings.

As I head towards the front door, I notice that my son's room isn't the only room that is bare. I go outside to find out WTF is going on! I see the men's faces so clearly, that if I were to pass them on the street, I would recognize them. They tell me that the owner of the house hired them. The owner of the house is me, dipshit! Oh contraire mon fraire, the owner of my home is an anonymous Asian man! Pardonez moi??!

I argue with these men and they will not listen to me. You are not the owner, HE is, they keep insisting. This goes back and forth 'til I tell them I'm calling the police and then I wake up.

So...does anyone have any amazing dream-deciphering abilities they care to share?! 'Cause I don't know what the hell all this means but if some no-named Asian man rings my bell, I'm gonna' freak!!

revelations

I need a 12-step program.

For boiled peanuts.

Those of you not from the south or who've never tried them just won't fucking understand. It's an addiction. You can't just stop at one. And now my colon is swimming with semi-digested peanuts and I feel like shit. And my poops smell funky. God, you really didn't need to know that. Sorry.

I hate Dina Lohan.

I was flipping through the channels the other night and since there's nothing on due to every single fucking TV program in the universe being done for the season, I resorted to watching for about a minute and a half "Living Lohan". That fucking mother wants to BE Lindsay. She looks like her, talks like her, acts like her. Someone needs to seriously drop kick that tart down a steep flight of stairs and now!

Someone needs to pry me loose from the sofa. It's almost like my ass has been Super Glued there. I've relaxed so much this past few days I have zero motivation to do anything else and damnit, my son is leaving for camp in five days and I have some shit to get done! I keep watching the same movies over and over again to the point where I'm certain I could quote lines word-for-word.

And oops! How could I forget public restrooms?!

I went food shopping early this morning and of course, the coffee kicked in once I stepped into the supermarket. I just have one question...is it so fucking impossible to flush a damn toilet???! There were four stalls and 'something' in each one. Except for the one that had something on it. Ick. Did these women simply not flush or just pussy-flushed which is when one barely triggers the handle, it makes the sound like the toilet is about to drain but it never does. Is it really that impossible to flush a second time??!

Fuck. I think I'll go wash some sheets. And maybe take a peanut poop.

Aren't you glad you decided to stop by here today?!

i think i may have touched a nerve!!

This will most likely be the final chapter in The Landscaper Chronicles series. If you're just now catching up with my blog, please start reading several posts below before continuing on with this one as it's best to read the story from beginning to end. Reading the last page of a story to find out the ending first is never a fun read!

Anyway, after yesterday's blog post, I tweaked and retweaked and sent the message off to my landscaper earlier this morning. It had to be just right! He must have been sitting by his computer the entire night waiting for my message because shortly after sending it and eating my breakfast, I returned to my computer to find the following message waiting from him:

"Go Fuck Yourself!"

How's that for professionalism?!

I was contemplating responding to him with "If that's how you want to play things, consider yourself reported." but I don't want to continue this ridiculous exchange with him any longer and if I continue to push it, something tells me this unstable man is going to pay me a visit in the middle of the night and set my lawn on fire. Or finally prune my trees and reduce them to the size of mere sapplings.

As a paying customer, I have the legal right to voice my disappointment to anyone providing me with a service and to defend myself against such nasty behavior. At least with the evidence I have against him now, he cannot claim that I've harassed him. However, continuing to respond to him could result in that and I refuse to be blamed for his behavior.

Folks, I don't hate the guy, I just feel really fucking sorry for him right now especially since my reporting him to the Better Business Bureau will probably put him out of business.

Why? Well, there's something I didn't tell you regarding his business. Something that if the situation hadn't taken such a turn for the worse, would have likely never even crossed my mind revealing. But apparently this guy is under the false impression that he can treat me any way he sees fit and get away with it and since I think revenge is sweeter than rock candy, I will now have to take it under serious consideration. *smirk*

It is not uncommon for businesses here like landscapers or painters to hire illegal immigrants. It is not unusual to see illegal immigrants congregated in certain areas about town waiting all day if they have to for someone to drive up and offer them a day's job. Our state is one state that's really been cracking down on the hiring of illegal immigrants and those who are caught hiring them, may be subjected to some serious penalties.

He has illegal immigrants working for him. What I wasn't aware of until last spring, is that he's been cheating on his taxes for some time now, giving these men fake social security numbers, and getting all the benefits that he shouldn't be because of that. I don't know about you, but I have a huge problem with that.

When I first learned of this, I became uneasy having this man as my landscaper as I don't like cheats of any kind. Soon after, the trouble started with him removing a tree from my property without first notifying me and my having the shock of my life when I returned home one day to see a huge gaping hole in my front lawn where the tree once stood. Read this post I located on my previous blog which better explains things.

In short, I think it's time for this man to understand that there are consequences for bad business ethics and poor treatment of his customers.

Your thoughts?

a visit from the Pope

Pope Landscaping, that is.

Yup, that's right folks. This morning I took the plunge and hired a new landscaping company.

I was out walking Schwartz this morning when I realized that was on my agenda for today. Reluctance set in at first thought. For a brief moment of insanity, I thought about giving my landscaper yet another chance to redeem himself but then all the issues I've had with him over the past year flashed before my eyes and I realized it was time to cut the cord.

Immediately upon returning from the walk, I got out the trusty phone book and began my search. This was something I was determined to get settled right away so when the first company said she'd have to have someone call me back, their chance had come and gone. I was not going to wait - I needed someone new and I needed to send my landscaper the message. The second company I located was near my area, knew their shit and was hired within minutes. They start next week.

Minutes later, the message I had drafted to my landscaper terminating his services was revised a bit and sent off. It's just after business hours as I write this but given that my landscaper has always responded when faced with conflict, I'm certain I will be receiving his response soon enough. Something tells me he won't be nice and of course I will share with y'all all the gory details!

And like clockwork, I have just received two Email responses from him! I have just reviewed them and let me say "I think I need to call someone a fucking wahhhhhmbulance!"!!!!

I won't bore you with the long-winded nature of his message but in a nutshell, he said that one of his employees suddenly died recently, during the time that he was supposed to perform his pruning service on my trees, after nearly nine years of service he called me by the wrong name and then blamed me for everything wrong. Obviously, there's more detail than that but I thought you'd appreciate more the response I'm about to send off to him:

Chuck:

I am very sorry to hear of your employee's death.

However, as a long-time, loyal customer of yours, I did deserve some the respect of being notified and between then and now, there's been time to perform the service you said you'd do. I see now that expecting you'd hold some regard for me is not something you're capable of and regardless of what you think of my character, I would have understood the reasons behind the delay.

There was one time I can recall many years ago, where J. and I asked you to prune the shrubs surrounding our house and your men only did half the job and never returned to finish. You and I exchanged some words then and you were offended of which I immediately apologized. Other than that time, I have always been understanding in the delay of certain requests I've had because I know what a busy man you are.

I understand the nature of a death in the family but at the same time, you have a company and clients and if you're going to request that people contact you by Email, then it is your job to uphold your end by responding. Responding to an Email takes just moments out of one's schedule and shouldn't take weeks to receive a response even though in my situation, you have never actually responded to my Email messages I'm referring to. I may not have my own business, but I do know a thing or two about customer service and about treating people properly and you, I'm afraid, are severely lacking in people skills. Your response below to me proves it. Your unprofessionalism regarding this is simply astounding, to say the least.

And I will correct you regarding something and please feel free to go back over your accounting records to remind yourself. If you don't care to, just let me know and I will be happy to look into my records from 2007 and produce a statement from you in which you sent me a bill totaling $350 which included pinestraw. So don't you dare say that you've never charged me for such a thing when you know you have. I inquired about the big bill back then and you once again snapped at me in what would appear now to be your usual way, saying you never charge me for any of the extras, etc.. If that's the case, then why did you charge me that time? As I recall, you had never done it prior to that. All I was trying to do was understand, you never did fully explain the situation and as you did in your response to me below, you rudely said "you're welcome". Honestly, why should I have thanked you that particularly time? It certainly couldn't be for your superb people skills, that's for sure.

As for the real side of me, a few things... First, as a customer of yours for nearly nine (9) years, I would expect you know my name by now. It is ______. As for my character, it is very big of a person to recognize their own mistakes and to try to make amends for them. You, on the other hand, seem very quick to blame ME for your mistakes, don't you? Suddenly, after all these years of tolerating your increased rates and your decrease in service, I'm such a bad person in your eyes because I've addressed some issues with you regarding your services. That speaks volumes about YOUR character, Chuck.

And YOU'RE WELCOME for all the support I've given you over the years, all the time and money I so obviously misspent and all the referrals I gave you. Most likely, you wouldn't have a customer-base in this community if it weren't for me so again, YOU'RE WELCOME. If everyone but me is so pleased with your service then I'm assuming you just prefer treating ME like shit and continuing to think that that's acceptable professional behavior on your part. Instead of approaching me in what seems to be your usual nasty way, you should be appreciative of someone like me who's stuck by you despite being disappointed time and time again and who time and time again gave you the benefit of the doubt because I thought AT THE TIME, that you were a decent person. It's such ashame that I can no longer think that of you. The only thing I will thank you for is for showing me YOUR true colors.

As for the trees that you say were pruned, you're saying I should have thanked you for that when all your men did was a lopsided job AND trampled flowers that once again my daughter was trying to grow? I'm just curious...are you ever going to apologize for the mistakes your men have made or will you always think everyone else is at fault?

Again, YOU'RE WELCOME.

(I signed my name in all caps so that he would know the correct spelling)

P.S. I know quite a number of people in this community and more than likely many of your customers. Should I hear of you speaking ill of me behind my back, I will be filing an official complaint against you and your company with the Better Business Bureau.


*ZING* And away the message goes...

One less dicksnort to have to send a card to for Christmas. *insert evil laughter here*

people watching and the case of the heart-shaped asses

A funny thing happened on the way to my local Chinese restaurant to pick up my favorite takeout order of General Tso's Siamese....

Actually, some of it happened on the way from and on the way to my house.

I've been getting my daily dose of '80s music by way of my satellite radio. If any of you listen to the '80s station on Sirius, you know that they have breaks inbetween playing music where they talk about the favorite slang or fashion of the '80s, just to give a few examples.

Tonight they talked about plastic pants and I nearly crashed the car! Yes folks, I owned a pair of plastic parachute pants when I was in high school and I ADORED them! I loved the 'swish' noise they made as I walked. And when some douche bag would ask me "Hey, do those expand when you jump out of a plane?" I loved responding with "Hey, do you think it would hurt if I kicked you in the face?". Ahh, those were the days.

And the slang...aside from the usual 'grody' and 'gag me with a spoon' (thanks Moon Unit!), my favorite was "That's sick!". Of course, people who were unfamiliar with the lingo would respond "What's so sick about it?". Uch, whatever, lameoids! What were some of your favorite sayings and fashion statements of the '80s?

On the way to get my takeout, I saw an awesome dog which I lovingly will call "Black Ass", just because he had a....yep, an all black ass. Completely white dog with a completely black ass. I wonder if that dog has a complex? Do you think he goes around asking the other neighborhood dogs "Does my ass look too black in these pants?". Ah well, you get the point.

On the way home, I saw two women walking. Walking the same exact way with the same exact body, shaking that same heart-shaped ass from side-to-side, with the same fat pockets protruding from their same-sized T-shirts. Wiggle wiggle wiggle. I didn't think they were just twins, I thought they were clones. I almost stopped ahead of them so that I could get out and look at the conjoined twins separated at birth. But I didn't have to. As I was passing them, I slowed down and glanced over. They were both ugly gals, didn't look a thing alike but probably just ate at the same donut shop. Shit, that sounded really critical didn't it? Damn. Oh well!

Then The Hooters "And They Danced" came on the radio. Ahhh...the days when MTV actually played music videos. Not many people know that I was in that music video. You see, The Hooters were from Philadelphia, where I grew up, and I remember the day they were handing out flyers in the lobby of my high school that they were filming a music video at a drive-in theater that night that was closing the very next day. So me and my closest 800+ classmates trekked out there that night and I do believe if you look really closely, you can see a closeup of my left ass cheek in one shot. Mine wasn't heart-shaped though. *snicker*

Still driving home, I was passing the house directly across the street from the person who shall not be mentioned here and lo-and-behold, it was George, the Happy Humping Pooch from doggy daycare! You know, the one who always tackles and violates my poor Schwartz every time he sees him! I couldn't believe it! George, living in our neighborhood! Ya' think Schwartz would mind terribly if I invited him over for a play date?!

And one last thing...ya' know how I'm reinstalling my entire security program on my computer? Well, it reads that I still have a few hours to go (fuck you, dial-up!) but at one point earlier this evening it read 99 hours!!!! WTF??!? How many days is that exactly??!?

the landscaper chronicles

Let me just start by saying I got shit done today. My kids are away on vacation with their dad and while I don't have much left to do, I am in the process of packing up my son's belongings as he's heading off next week to overnight camp for a month. I should be having feelings of nervousness, apprehension and excitement for him right now and while I'm sure those emotions will hit me soon enough, I've had some minor hiccups to deal with.

'Cause you know me...what would this blog be without the daily bitching??! *wink*

Let me first start by saying that I haven't forgotten any of you and that I have, when Blogger has allowed me to do so, visited your blogs. If I haven't commented on them it's because either Blogger has been a tempermental bitch and won't let me connect to your comments section or because many, including myself, haven't updated their blogs lately. There's always a reason whether it's the school year or now the summer vacation in which I have had to entertain my kids to non-stop or I won't hear the end of it!

I've also had a multitude of other computer issues lately that I am slowly but surely correcting as I write this. For one, my McAfee was sucking big hairy blue balls and I spent half of today trying to correct it before realizing I had to uninstall the whole damn thing. Now I'm in the process of reinstalling the entire security package and with my having dial-up, I have to wait approximately another 7 hours, 30 minutes and 50 seconds before the fucking thing is up and working again! Oh wait...now it reads 11 hours. Now it reads 8 hours. Okay, as long as it's working by the first day of my kids' school in August, I'll be good to go!

And my sprinkler system must be spraying gasoline instead of water because despite my watering on a regular schedule, there are parts of my lawn that look like they're turning to dust. The heat and humidity here are really enough to take your breath away when you step outside and it seems that the air must be drinking up the water faster than it can turn it that pretty shade of green!

Speaking of landscaping, I've also had my landscaper on my mind lately and not in a got-my-juices-flowin' kinda' way either. Well, he has got my juices flowing alright but not in a hot, heavy-petting kinda' way. Those of you who've heard the horror stories before, know that I have a love-hate relationship with my landscaper. When he's here doing what he's supposed to do, I praise him like he's a religious figure to everyone within earshot. When he's not, I wish I could shoot flames from my eyes and burn a hole deep into his head. The latter is one of those times right now.

I mean, is it too much to just prune my fucking trees as he acknowledged he would in early spring and 3 weeks ago when he said he'd be back the following day to do the job?! As y'all know, my family was in town last week and I wanted my property to look in top-notch. My parents are always so critical about how my house looks inside and out, I just didn't need to get grief for it, ya' know? And they didn't but I see how messy and ungroomed my trees are and it bothers me to know that I'm paying for something that isn't getting done.

About a month ago, he sent a letter out with the monthly statement that read because of his busy schedule, he is unable to take everyone's calls so everyone should Email him directly and he will promptly respond to them. So then why is it when I wrote him 2 weeks ago about a growing fire ant problem on my property and requested any advice he could offer me, that I still have yet to hear back from him??

Then there was the situation exactly a year ago where my daughter was growing a sunflower plant and during a service call one day, one of his men took it?! I mean WTF? If you want a fucking snack, go buy a bag of sunflowers at the local convenience store!! My landscaper supposedly asked his men if they took it, clearly one of them did, but did he do anything to rectify the situation? Was it too much to expect that maybe he would be considerate enough to buy my daughter a pack of sunflower seeds?

I realize that this may seem silly and trivial to many of you and that I should probably just shut up, not saying anything to him and take what I can get but when I'm paying $150/month which he keeps raising the rates due to rising gas prices and having to request/remind him to perform services that are supposed to come standard with the monthly fee and I have been a loyal client for nearly 9 years, am I really the only one who thinks I should be expecting and receiving some decent and reliable customer service?

So first thing tomorrow morning I'll be hiring another landscaper. I have written my landscaper a very honest yet harsh Email (amazingly, the words flowed very easily when writing it) but I am not going to send it off until I hire someone new. I don't know why I always think the worst but I wouldn't put it past my present landscaper to call around and badmouth me to other companies to make it more difficult for me to find a landscaper so it's in my best interest to find someone new before firing his sorry ass.

Despite my being somewhat sad at having to end a business relationship with someone who could really be great if he got his shit together, this is long overdue and I know I will be relieved once it's done.

In the meantime, y'all try to stay cool in this wretched heat and I'll keep you posted on all the latest happenings!