eat your heart out, john holmes

Years ago, when I frequented the chatroom on that dating site, there was a young guy who bragged about the length of his penis. He claimed it was 13 inches long and would openly talk about it even when most of us would tease him. He even mentioned it in his main essay on his profile about how large he was, and that the girl he'd meet would have to be one who was...ahem...open to larger-sized men. Told us that the circumference of his penis was the size of a soda can. Um, can you say "OUCH!!"?!?!??!?

Now I've had large men (not as large as this guy, thankyouverymuch) and I've even been with a guy who's penis was no larger than the size of my pinkie (now that was traumatizing) , but I can assure you, there aren't too many women around here who can fit something like that inside their hoo-hoos. Oh and if you can, you're fucking disgusting.

So one day, obviously getting turned on by my dirty mouth in chat, he IM'd me and people in the chatroom were encouraging me to ask him if he could blow himself so of course I did and of course he said he could. "If I don't do it, who will?" he said to me. Eeek. It's bad enough I can still remember the conversation, but the imprint of his penis on my brain will be remain branded there F O R E V E R. Yes, I have seen it. And it's scarier than you could possibly imagine.

I believe the last time I posted his picture here (oh yes I did!), some of the men who read my blog commented in such a way that left me thinking they felt very insecure about their short-comings. *snicker* So guys, don't get your panties in a wad this time because while I'm sure y'all have very nice penises, you should not, by any means, be envious of having a penis the size of a fucking elephant truck in your pants!

So without further ado...remember, you've been warned...

So he shows me the above picture and then he asked me...

"Do you want to see it hard?"

*blank stare* I thought it was hard.

Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I no longer have the URL for the site that contain his other pictures. Which is fine because I don't want to be the reason for the therapy y'all will have to seek after reading this post.

speechless, part 2

I gave y'all what I thought was a great clue as to whose picture I posted below but it seems she's had such great medical assistance in disguising herself, all traces of what she used to look like cannot be detected by some.

So I Googled her and in an effort to find an older picture, I found this profile view of her and all I can say is I'd rather be butt-ugly from hitting every branch on the ugly tree on the way down than look like this woman after plastic surgery. If a plastic surgeon did this to me, he would have to go into the Witness Protection Program to escape my clutches because if I ever got a hold of him, I'd kill him with his own scalpel.

For those of you who didn't observe the URL to the photo, the picture is of Jackie Stallone. Yep, Sly's mom. Fucking scary, yes?! And the only person who hinted to knowing who it was, was Avalon which is scary in itself because I didn't even know who it was until I read a caption acknowledging her. And this is who Tug was referring to. Her skin is so taught it reminds me of when plastic wrap is pulled too tight. Looks like Jackie is well on her way to looking like this woman's twin. I just have to say one thing to both these ladies...find a fucking hobby. Oh that's right, you already did. *yarf*

Oh and Fig...if you want to shape your eyebrows after someone, mold 'em after this guy

This hunka hunka burning love viewed me on that dating site. I'm gonna' go take a shower now.

this one has left me speechless

I just can't seem to stop staring at this picture.


I've seen some gnarly plastic surgery results, but this has got to be the wonkiest ever.


I'm warning you, this isn't pretty.


This is like Tammy Faye meets Michael Jackson meets Madame Tussauds Wax Museum. On crack.


This is your last chance.


You may want to consider digesting your breakfast first, or whatever meal you've just eaten.

Any guesses on who you think she is?

I'll give you some hints...

She's 86 years old. Really.

She was never the looker but she and her famous son used to look alike.

You might wonder if her plastic surgeon used a Rambo knife on her instead of a scalpel.

I'm gonna' go throw up now.

that's HOT!

Those of you who've been reading my blog for awhile know that I have a deep, sick obsession with everything Paris Hilton. 'Cause if she's doing something stupid, I wanna' know about it so I can tease the fuck outta' her!

First there was the weak thriller, Nine Lives. Paris was murdered off in the first 30 minutes of the flick, so we couldn't really tell if she had any acting abilities.

Then she was in House of Wax where we learned that she didn't have any acting abilities. I wanted to bleach my eyeballs with a metal scrub brush after seeing her prance around in her wears. I hear Paris likes 'em long and thick...well, the highlight of the movie was when her skull was pierced with a long, thick pipe. I cheered.

Don't even get me started on her singing. I've never heard her but I hear she sings like Helen Keller singing Karaoke. Yep, that bad.

Now is The Hottie & The Nottie due out in February.

Not that any of us really care because not even the most retarded person would waste their money on seeing it but I'm willing to make a wager that it won't last a week in theaters.

Just sayin'.

doggy dilemma

I had Cole all to myself last night for about an hour. And in that hour, I realized what a great dog he is. For most of the time he spent here, he explored the house without tugging, pulling, biting or snagging anything and anything he seemed a little too curious with, I stopped him before anything started and he listened. When playtime with the cats became a little too much for him, he followed commands and sat and laid down by me.

The one problem...it wasn't until after he left that I realized I was having a severe allergic reaction to him.

Last spring I was tested for allergies and my sensitivity to dogs and cats were the lowest on the scale. I've loved dogs my entire life but up until last night, I have never had one in my home and apparently it didn't agree with me.
I noticed soon after he arrived, that my eyes felt...strange. I can only describe it as feeling like a tickle. I started clearing my throat a lot which sometimes happens when I'm having an allergic reaction to something but, at that time, I just contributed it to catching whatever virus my daughter is now getting over. After Cole left, I went to take out my contacts and my eyelids were very swollen. That usually only happens after a shitty night's sleep and an allergic reaction to something. My kids came home a short while later and when I asked my daughter to scratch my back, she told me I had a rash all over my back. I then noticed it on other parts of my body but it seemed my back got the worst of it.

Was it a coincidence? I don't know, I kinda' don't believe in coincidences. I was thinking of calling the owners today to see if I can spend a little more time with Cole this weekend before the Sunday adoption to see if I get a similar reaction or if it was just a fluke, but then I thought it would be a bad idea to continue to bond to a dog that we may not be able to take. My kids are already upset with me enough when I told them what was happening last night and I need to consider their feelings and how they would feel to see Cole again, my getting another allergic reaction and then my telling them again that it couldn't happen.

But there was something else also that makes me feel like I was deceived a bit. The dog doesn't get along with cats as much as I was told he does.

Oh he's very sweet and curious and it's to be expected that they would pique his interest enough for him to keep following them around the house. And it's also to be expected that the cats will feel like he's invading their territory and react accordingly with hissing and growling. There was even one very endearing moment when my eldest cat came nose-to-nose with Cole, sniffing each other out but then Cole got scared by some sudden movement my cat made and it was all downhill from there.

After being around 4 cats, I would think his reaction to them would be different. But then again, I don't know a damn thing about dogs and I certainly don't claim to know a damn thing about the relationship between cats and dogs. So Cole and my eldest cat were very curious about each other and my cat was "stalking" him meaning that he was making slow, steady movements instead of quick and sudden ones, always eye-to-eye with Cole to let him know who was in charge. He even chased Cole at one point which I found pretty funny - a small cat scaring a big, 50-pound dog! But everytime my cat made a movement, Cole was backing up in such a nervous reaction, it was unnerving. Literally, getting up from a sitting position and charging and whatever he could to get away from my cat and sometimes that object was me. Have you ever been hit head-on by a charging dog with solid muscles?! Um, it's kinda' startling!

He never waivered when they stared back at him but to see how scared he got when they made sudden movements left me wondering what the real story was.

After telling the owners about his reaction the woman admitted to me that when Cole gets too close to her cats, they tend to swat him away with their paws. That doesn't sound like they like Cole, that doesn't even sound like they tolerate him well and Cole has lived with them for 2 years. Maybe I'm incorrect in thinking that a more solid relationship among the co-habitants should have developed by now. Again, I just don't know but if that's the case, then who's to say he would ever be able to get along well with my cats? And how would I ever feel comfortable leaving Cole alone with them when they could possibly get into a scuffle and bite him? This dog might have a strong exterior but inside he's clearly a pussy. Yes, pun intended. *wink*

I'm bummed. I'm truly bummed. But I'm not willing to get a dog just to make my kids happy if it means I wake up every morning feeling like total shit.

Your thoughts?

puppy panic

I've been having second thoughts about getting the dog. I'm usually very confident in myself. My confidence is a bit shaken at the moment.

On one hand, I KNOW, I can do this. Cole is the right age, weight and height. He's sociable and has a wonderful disposition. He can tolerate cats and kids! He's the kind of dog I've had my eye on for some time now. Even though I've never had a dog of my own, I've always loved dogs especially and with any new pet, it takes time to adjust. I know this. I also know that I have the patience of a flea but that's an entirely different story.

On the other hand, I woke up this morning with a pretty serious migraine and the thought immediately came to mind, what if one of my kids wake up sick in the middle of the night? Who will take care of the dog? I can't expect the other child to walk him in the middle of the night, for example, because 1) I would never wake my child up to do something like that and 2) I've already explained to the kids that they can walk him with me but he's big and strong enough where he can take them for a walk if they don't have absolute control over him.

Fuck, why am I so stressed about this walking business?! If he has an accident or two, no BFD, right? We've all had accidents! Shit, must I tell you how many times I've sneezed AND peed simultaneously?! My carpets are already a fucking mess from the amount of kitty barf I've had to clean up so what's the big fucking deal?! You thought I was going to say my carpets were already a mess from ME, didn't you?!

And then a selfish thought popped into my head as well and it's not necessarily what that thought was about that's important as it was just generally selfish. I mean, this dog needs a good home and we can provide one for him. Maybe I just need someone to tell me that it's okay to be a little selfish about things once in awhile.

Or is this just me being nervous?! Do all new dog owners go through this? With cats it's so different because they pretty much take care of themselves. You bring a new one into the home, and depending on how their initial reactions are to one another depends on how quickly they'll adjust to the other one. A dog is a much more serious commitment. And I guess the question is, am I ready to take on such a commitment?

I need to find my book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff". Or someone to just tell me to STFU and to stop being such a fucking pansy.

Don't even think about it! *snort*

In other dog news, I found out from the guy who we gave the rescued puppy to that he renamed him Bayley. 'B A Y' are the first 3 letters of our street so I thought that was a sweet sentiment. He's also not as old as I thought - he's somewhere between 6-8 months! Other than that, he's a playful pup who's a total handful but he's thriving. Nothing but good news there.

People who've been reading my blogs for awhile now know that the kids and I travel to see my family about 3 times/year. Of course the dog will never be able to come with us for several unimportant reasons. I'm very against boarding my pets at the vet so don't laugh, but I found a 'camp' for Cole to attend while we're away. It's not the same place I mentioned in an earlier post, this one's closer and I'm totally jacked about it! Has anyone else done this kind of thing for their pets?

weighing the pros and cons

We found a dog.

Before you say that I'm totally fucking crazy for considering this, let me tell you a little bit about him...

Meet Cole.

He's a beautiful brundle-colored 3-year old Boxer/Lab mix. He's 50 pounds and fully grown, compared to the 60-pound, still-growing Lab mix we rescued last weekend. He gets along well with cats. We have 3 cats and where he is now, there are 4 cats. Of course my cats were a bit apprehensive when he visited yesterday, but it always takes time to introduce new pets.

For those who own dogs, I need to hear your opinions. The only thing I'm really dreading is having to walk him in the rain. It's not like I'll be pulling a Wicked Witch of the West and start melting at the first drop of rain, it's just that I'm a pussy. Shut up, I've never done this shit before!

I know there's an expense as well. For instance, I'll never be able to take him on vacation with us to visit family because aside from my parents' building not allowing large dogs, my parents wouldn't want him there so boarding is a definite need. Someone told me about this place which looks really cool but I know I'll be paying out the ass for it!

I just need to know what I could be getting myself into if we do actually get this dog. Anyone?

i need a 12-step program

I found the Hallmark channel this weekend. Someone shoot me.

I don't know why, but those movies are addicting. It's always the same storyline...love found, love lost, love found again, happy ending. *sigh, sob, weep heavily, wipe tears and snot away with back of sleeve*

Fucking Hallmark.

cooking with Lola

So I was over at Tug's blog, attempting to read a recipe she posted but she went off on a bit of a tangent, my ADD kicked in and I was unable to finish reading it. But I thought I'd follow suit and share a recipe with all of you.

Now let me first start by saying that I'm not a good cook by any means but I haven't killed my kids yet which is always a good sign. I wish I were better and over the years I have improved quite a bit but I've had to learn all on my own as I had no role-model growing up. You see, my mom could only cook a few things - pasta, meatloaf, hot dogs and fried chicken, and she would rotate them pretty much in that order. I've been sitting here wracking my brain almost to the point of bringing on a migraine, trying to remember if she cooked anything else and I honestly can't recall her cooking anything but the dishes mentioned above. She didn't even cook Thanksgiving dinners! Ever. We always had it prepared through a service...except for the one time she made bbq chicken one year and baked ziti another. Oh yeah! Her baked ziti! Well, once she learned that recipe later on in my my teens, she added that to the rotation!

Anyway, I started to experiment after I got married. I first started with baking and I remember one day I baked everything that was in the pantry, taste-tested it and then threw it all away, not because it was bad because there was no way two people could eat all of it! Then came the cooking which was a little tougher for me because for some reason, despite following the directions, much of what I cooked tasted like poison. I got better over the years but nothing like a friend of mine who can make gourmet meals from scratch. Fucking Martha Stewart wannabe bitch.

And the person who shall not be mentioned here was no help in teaching me either because not only did he keep making the same shit over and over again, I believe chicken and meat, but he always had to have some funky mustard, hot pepper and onion concoction that had to go on top of everything. That or ketchup. He could never appreciate the taste of food for what it was and frankly, it was nauseating. Unfortunately, my kids learned the art of hiding the taste of food from him and now need ketchup on everything...including their green beans. Yarf.

Most of the time I don't always make huge meals. With two children who can be happily playing one minute and ready to eat the asshole out of a bear the next because they're so damn hungry, I have to be able to make something that takes less than 10 minutes to prepare so they tend to eat a lot of canned and boxed products. I also rely on a lot of pre-made products too that only take a few minutes in the microwave. I know it sounds pretty bad but I do always make sure they get their veggies which is good, right?!

On the rare occasion that their overactive stomachs will allow them to wait a few minutes longer, I do cook things like my mom's baked ziti and other pasta dishes, brisket/steak, chicken parmagian, French toast, omelettes and sweet potato pancakes just to name a few (yes, there are actual more! *gasp*). Of course I have always been able to make a mean reservation as well.

There is one dish that I always make when entertaining or when asked to bring something to a party and that is my Greek Salad Hors d'oeuvre. It is not your traditional Greek salad with Kalamata olives or Feta cheese but it's very delicious and very healthy too.

1 small can of diced black olives
1 small jar of pimentos, diced (if you can find it)
1 half of a red onion, diced
1 can of unmarinated artichoke hearts

Blend together in a blender or in a food processor. Italian dressing to taste. Present in a bowl. Chill for several hours or overnight. Serve with white and/or pumpernickel party rye (the small sliced bread found in any supermarket).

Yep. That easy.

Side note: You can use any Italian dressing you like, but Ken's Steak House Italian dressing is very light-tasting and perfect for this dish. My parents turned me onto it years ago and it's very addicting.

It will be the hit of the party, trust me. With all the times I've made it, there is no way someone has ever been able to stop at just one helping.

Next time on Cooking with Lola...how not to burn spaghetti.

updates

My knee is doing much better this morning. Thanks to everyone who's asked me how I've been feeling. While I'm still supporting it with an Ace bandage and I still get little twinges of pain if I move suddenly in a certain direction, I no longer need to take anything for the discomfort and even though I will take it along just in case, I don't believe I will need to use the cane, either.

More importantly, "Rufus"...as of yesterday afternoon, has still has not been named. The name "Ozzy" popped into my head the other day and now that I think about it, he's such an "Ozzy" but since he's no longer my dog, forget that! According to Carl, the new owner, the dog is a handful which makes me grateful even more that I didn't keep him. The dog always wants to play and is extremely nervous at times. Since I've never owned a dog and don't understand their behavior, I called my vet to ask him about this and sad to say, the constant need to play is consistent with neglect and the nervous behavior, while always present in certain breeds, is consistent with abuse. Hearing this upset me and you would understand it better if you saw him and how gorgeous he is how anyone could neglect and/or abuse him. I really hate people sometimes. Anyway, I know now that he has a better chance at a happier life and I hope one day a really vicious killer dog finds the previous owner and bites his ass off. And then some.

twist and shout

I have an ouchie.

The other night, when I was putting together the fucking crate for the dog, I stood up and twisted my knee. I've done that before, no big deal. I walked it off and it seemed fine. Yesterday morning, however, I woke up in extreme pain - I can't extend my knee and I think I have either tendon or ligament damage. Either way, it hurts like a motherfucker! Saying that I'm limping would be an understatement. I'm actually considering buying a cane today to help me hobble along. I thought an ace bandage would offer it some support but it's not helping. I'm taking Motrin which is an anti-inflammatory but that's not helping either. Usually, it will ease the pain but not this time. Not even a little. Sleeping was not the easiest as I can only sleep in one fucking position! I mean, I slept but not so great. Then again, same shit different day in that department.

I'm certain walking the dog, or rather, the dog walking me, the night before last didn't help. I realized yesterday how grateful I am that we didn't keep the dog 'cause who would have walked it?! Certainly not my kids. They know less about dogs than I do and they barely felt secure in petting him let alone being able to control his strength while walking him. And my trying to walk him would have been a total joke...unless I had a wheelchair and he could have just pulled me back on forth! Even so, that would have probably only worked temporarily as I'd probably have facial abrasions and lacerations from him finding a way to drag me face-first back and forth along our asphalt street!

I know my knee will get better but now I pretty much can't do anything 'cause I know I need to stay off of it in order for it to heal which, if it's ligaments or tendons it's gonna' take one fucking long time. So other than wanting to know if anyone can think of anything else I can take as far as medication goes, which one of you bitches is coming over to clean my house?!

there's a sucker born every minute

But I'm the biggest one of all.

I took my kids to a birthday party yesterday. Upon arriving, I saw this beautiful chocolate Lab mix sitting outside on the wet ground. I thought it belonged to the people who were throwing the party until I learned from them that the dog had been sitting outside for several days, in the rain and obviously homeless.

Later on during the party, some of the other women and I went outside to further examine the dog who had no collar, was beautiful and sweet as pie and appeared to be in great health. We determined that he was still in his puppy years, untrained and unresponsive to any commands and that some fucking asshole probably couldn't handle his puppy status anymore, removed his collar and put him outside, never to claim him again. I have seen this type of neglect before and that shit really pisses me off.

If there's one thing I could say to the people out there who are fooling themselves into thinking that they can be responsible pet owners, dogs don't train themselves, you fucking hosers!

By the end of the party, I had claimed that dog as mine. The people who were having the party loaned me a collar and a leash and I spent some time outdoors with him getting him used to a leash, something else he had never experienced before, and teaching him to sit. It was heartbreaking, to say the least.

I had always known that my kids and I would one day own a dog, but I had always told them that it would be at a time when we could handle one in our lives. This was not that time and I could feel it but I was not going to let that puppy spend one more day outside and abandoned. Directly from the party, the kids and I went to the pet store in which we bought him all the necessities - collar, leash, food, a few toys and a crate. He was in dog heaven inside the pet store as they had just had pet adoptions that day and there were dogs galore in which he could socialize with. If his tail could have wagged any harder or faster, it would have detached and taken off into the air!

As soon as we got him home, I knew it was a mistake. I was almost in tears from trying to figure out how to put the crate together. Then "Rufus" as we started calling him, didn't care for the crate, his loud cries echoing throughout the house. I'll assume that a crate is probably where he spent most of his time in his previous home. He needed to be able to move about freely so I closed off my bedroom to our cats and let him roam about my room. And he was happy.

I am a firm believer in things happening when they're meant to happen, but things still didn't feel right. There had to be something better for him and I knew it wasn't us. My kids were already sweet on him and were broken-hearted when I told them that we needed to find him a good home, that I just couldn't handle him. And, surprisingly to me, they both started crying.

I felt awful but I had to remain realistic. I told them not to get too attached but apparently, it was too late and I could not give into their pleas. Here was one of the most gorgeous 60 pounds of solid dog I had ever seen and the people at the pet store said he wasn't done growing. I have never owned a dog and while I could certainly learn, I don't have the time to train one and watch over it all the time in order to prevent it from tearing our house apart. Just from him spending those short 3 hours in my bedroom pulling, tugging and tearing anything he could, without him being able to tolerate a crate, I saw no other solution than try to find him a better home.

I called my neighbor across the street from me and asked her if she knew of anyone who may want a puppy. It was music to my ears when she said "Yeah, I do.".

Her handyman, who had been thinking of getting a puppy some time in the near future, was on my doorstep 45 minutes later. Originally, she'd told me that he wasn't going to be able to come out 'til today, but she knew I was desperate to find a more suitable place and that keeping him overnight was going to be a real challenge so she convinced him to come out right away. And I bet he was happy he did because the smile that lit up his face when he saw Rufus was like none I had ever seen, they took to each other like glue and I could tell that they were both in serious like with each other. And for me, it felt right. As it turned out, this guy used to breed chocolate Labs! How more perfect a fit could one get?!

I gave all our purchases to the guy without even asking to be reimbursed. Clearly, these two were meant to find each other and it only seemed right just to give him everything. When we were packing up his car, I saw that he had already purchased a bag of dog food prior to him seeing Rufus. Somehow, he must have known that he was going to be returning home with a new friend.

We went across the street for a little while because my neighbor who helped me find this guy said her kids wanted to see the dog. Finally, I could see this guy was eager to leave so I sent my kids back to our house and gave him numerous hugs, thanking him for being able to give this dog a great home and to keep me posted on what he found out about the dog from his vet (like how old he actually was, what the mix was and what he decided to name him).

When I returned home, someone had turned on the faucet, figuratively speaking. Both my kids were laying down in the family room, balling their eyes out, my daughter clutching the collar and attached leash! I almost started laughing at the ridiculousness of it all! Finally, the only way I could get them to stop was to take them out to a convenience store and buy them soda and junk food! That shut them up pretty quickly!

Even so, when they were done eating and drinking, my daughter called out which part of the collar and leash combo she was going to sleep with! Last time I had checked on them, my daughter was clutching the leash and my son resembled Rambo with the collar secured around his head! OY!!

We were all emotionally and physically drained from our brief experience as dog owners. Sleep came quickly but boy, do I sure feel the after effects of that dog walking me!

how i got my ass canned from the dating site

The following is long, boring and stupid. But if y'all like long, boring and stupid then this story is right up your alley. Heh.

My usual morning routine consists of grabbing a cup of coffee and settling down in front of my computer for awhile to catch up on Emails, blogging and blog-reading but most definitely checking out what stupid shit someone has posted on the dating site message board. Only yesterday had a little surprise in store for me. As you already know from my last blog entry, I was suspended. This didn't really come as a surprise as this guy

(you may better remember him from this lovely picture)

is always looking to report me to the-powers-that-be at this dating site. Ask me why that is and I'll tell you every time that it's because he's just a fucking little boy trapped in a retarded man's body. Everyone on the dating site who has had some kind of encounter with this guy knows that there is something seriously wrong with him. Many of us refer to him as "the challenged one".

You probably remember me mentioning this dimbulb before...he's the one who repeatedly asks stupid, brainless questions such as...

"If you had a date and they blew you away, what would you do"
Um...date them?

"If I become a man, do you think more ladies would ride my horse"
IF you become a man? What are you not telling us?!

"Don't you hate the guessing games and then you are played. I hate those. I makes me into a slug on a stick"
I don't even know how to comment to this one.

"You could get some implant to make you a better person and an amazing lover that can take it night after night. I wish I could change my pressie's ways"
Please don't ask me what his "pressie" is 'cause I really don't wanna' know. Super double icky.


Anyway, I was suspended and when I finally did get a hold of customer service, their reason was that this guy had called in complaining that I was harassing him. Um, yeah, so what's the problem?! I gave bitch's honor that it would never happen again so they would immediately reinstate me. Whether or not I actually meant what I said is a whole other story. As conniving as this may seem, I have a real talent of convincing others to believe whatever I want them to believe.

I won't go into the whole drawn-out story regarding the supposed harassment but basically it wasn't harassment at all. Because he and about 8 others have recently reported me, they had to suspend my account. Ya' know, to slap me on the wrist and teach me a lesson. Yeah, lesson learned...now lemme' back on so I can verbally beat this guy into submission!

Then I found out that because I was suspended, they had just taken it upon themselves to turn off the automatic renewal on my account, making me lose my premium membership privileges which allows me to do things like participate on the message board and retrieve my Email messages. This just wouldn't do since I have to meet my daily quota of beat-downs of the losers and posers on the message board. After a few minutes more, I was fully reinstated, or so I thought, demanding they give me the same good subscription rate they had taken away which, of course, they did.

But that wasn't all! Oh no, why would all the fun stop there?! I had to change my username too. My username was WandaSchtupp (want to fuck) and the customer service rep. pointed out that 'schtupp' in Yiddish means 'to fornicate' which is simply unacceptable for a site with their reputation (in other words, they suck donkey dick). I pointed out to her that none of the customer service reps. are Jewish and forced her to admit that had someone not told them what my name meant, they would have never known.

That was the first call I placed to them. The second call was because the gal I had previously spoken to hadn't reinstated my premium membership properly. The third call was because of a slight technical glitch I was having that was easily fixed. During that call, the person helping me inquired about one of the photos on my profile...



Now of course that's not me. I don't fucking resemble Jimmy Carter in drag in the least, thankyouverymuch! I've always posted a picture on my profile that wasn't of me as a joke and up until recently, people were very receptive to them. But in the past few months, I've posted something that quickly gets approval and is just as quickly deleted from my profile when customer service has figured out their error. I know their policy is that any picture posted on one's profile has to be of the person who the profile belongs to but the customer service person I spoke with found it humorous and when asked if I really had to remove it, he told me if I wanted to I could keep it. Ding! Score 1 for Lola!

So I was good to go and back online. I posted a thread asking for others' assistance in helping me create a new username and all was going well and people were getting into it...until this bitch came along and ruined it. You see, this gal has never responded to anything I've said on the boards unless she has something nasty and/or derogatory to say. When she first appeared on the boards and I realized she would never respond to my comments, I kept my distance from her, avoiding her like the plague. Then, one day, she started in with the rude comments. Today was no different suggesting a username that could quite honestly get her suspended from the site if I had really wanted to waste my time reporting her. I responded to her in kind, posted the message and I was suddenly taken to the subscription page which meant I no longer had my premium membership privileges...AGAIN!!!

To say I was pissed would be a complete understatement. I wasn't suspended yet I didn't have access to all the site's features again. I called customer service (if you're keeping track, this would be phone call #4) only to find out it was a message board glitch and the entire site was affected. Phew!

The message board was down for a few hours which meant little chance for me to fuck things up for myself again! I had things to do anyway so it didn't affect me. So the day went on with nothing eventful occurring although I felt like I was walking on eggshells whenever I was online, that any sudden movement on my part could get me in the dog house again. That nasty gal responded to my comment, actually apologizing for the comment she made which caught me completely off-guard but that doesn't mean tomorrow she wouldn't change her tune again with me.

I had a buttload of laundry to do earlier in the evening and had logged off from the site. I went to sleep early, right after putting my kids to bed at 9pm. I awoke a few hours later and remembered there was something I had to do. Unfortunately, as is always the case with me, I tend to have a difficult time falling back to sleep if I walk around or think about having to get something done in the middle of the night, hence the reason I'm writing this post so late. Additionally, I made the mistake of checking my Email, noticed there was a message on the dating site from a friend of mine and logged in. And there it was in big bold red letters...

Your account has been suspended. Please contact us for further information.

I stared at my computer screen in disbelief. It crossed my mind that perhaps I was still sleeping and that I was just dreaming about waking up yesterday morning and seeing that I had been suspended the first time. Like that fucking "Groundhog's Day" movie...I was gonna' have to relive that day over and over again until I got it right. Fuck. Me.

I called them up to find out that the reason I was yet again suspended was because of that Jimmy Carter picture!! I was PISSED. I told the guy about my earlier conversation with another customer service rep. about how it was okay by him for me to leave that picture up on my profile and that they better fucking get their act together because I was tired of everyone giving me a different fucking response every time I called. Yes, I used those exact words. He told me he had to speak to his supervisor and I knew I was screwed when a supervisor was getting involved. I waited a good long 5 minutes 'til the guy finally came back and told me no more pictures of other people on my profile, that I now was going to be watched closely because I had been suspended twice in one day and that I better behave myself. I told him I'd make a deal with him - I'd behave myself if they learned WTF they were doing. Yeah I know, I'm pushing my luck. Like I give a shit!

So there you have it, my day from hell. And ya' know what I realized from all this madness? I don't like hell. Not one fucking bit.

tasty

Before I go onto the topic, let me just say I have to keep myself preoccupied until 9am EST because my account on the dating site was suspended and I can't perform my normal morning routine of getting onto the message boards and being a fucking cunt to whomever will listen. *snicker*. Yep, Lola was a bad girl. Once I have the details as to my indecent behavior, I'll write more about it. I have an idea of what happened, but I'd rather save it for truths than assumptions. Plus it'll be a whole lot funnier being able to show you proof of what fucking losers these twatholes really are!

Getting back to things...

Someone please tell me WTF is wrong with some people? I was reading the headlines going across the marquis at the top of my computer screen this morning and saw this. I usually leave the news stories and funny commentary to Mom but WT Holy Fuck?! Cutting off body parts to save one's soul? Is saving one's soul the new pink? The thing to do in 2008? If so, fuck that shit, my soul has gone to hell and back ten times over. I already have a fiery seat reserved for me with my name on it. Anyone care to join me?!

And while we're on the subject of things being wrong with people, it wasn't until fairly recently when I visited Fab's blog and saw that he has this seriously fucked obsession with something called Scupley. People, this is a sickness if I ever saw one. I have no physical evidence to back this up, but I'm fairly certain that Fab is not of this earth.

Alright, time to get my day started. Behave yourselves. Ya' know, like I always do. *wink*

dear john...

I took the cowardly approach and Emailed Military Man this morning. I could no longer put it off.

Yes Bahk Bahk, I'm a fucking chicken, I'm the first one to admit that. I'm also the first one to admit that I do have a heart as black, cold and bitchy as it can be at times. However, I never try to hurt anyone intentionally...unless they deserve it or if I can get away with blogging about him/her without being found out, of course. Heh. He never did or said anything that would warrant my being mean, harsh and insensitive to. Creeping someone out isn't a crime but it is punishable by dismissal. That's Lola's Law. Damnit, I need to call my Congressman about that!

As creeped out as I was by certain interests and some things he's said, I didn't want to lose sight of what I felt I had to say to him and that could only be done by Email. And also because I felt sick to my stomach when I thought about talking to him on the phone. I am much better with writing my words down than speaking them as I tend to get tongue-tied.

I was not the least bit dishonest in my message to him...in a nutshell, I am a busy person who is struggling to keep my house in order, and everything else that needs to be accomplished in a very short 12-14 hour day and raise two very active children who take precedence over everyone and everything. That I had made a promise to myself for the New Year, that I would spend more good quality time with my kids and that once they're home for the day, I do not accept any phone calls unless it's from family or their school. And the clincher, that if I was really interested in getting involved with someone, I would find the time for them but that was not top priority in my life right now.

Of course I apologized as I know I'm at fault for encouraging him to think that there could be something there for us and asked him to keep in touch while he was away overseas. Afterall, he was the one who said if things don't work out for us, that we should try to remain friends because of how well we get along.

Surprisingly enough, by the time I'd returned home from taking my kids to school he had already responded and was very receptive to what I had to say, thanking me for being honest with him instead of leaving things open and unresolved.

And that's it. I thanked him for understanding and left an invitation for him to contact me at some point. I'm not certain this could ever go past friendship but there's always room for new friends, right?

trouble in paradise

I'm pretty sure I'm giving Military Man the ax. There are a bunch of things that's happened within the last few days that has lead up to my decision.

I had a friend in town this weekend. Yesterday morning, he called but I chose not to answer it. That's not what I was really annoyed with although he knew that I was busy this weekend and that I would be in touch with him when I had some time. What bothered me is that probably every time he's called and I haven't answered, his message is him telling me to stop screening my phone calls.

Let me stop for a minute and explain to you, if you don't already know, when you put two very sarcastic people together, it's very difficult to tell when they are actually serious about something. In this case, he's been leaving such a voicemail since we started talking in mid-December, said then he was kidding when I mentioned that it was funny the first few times but not so much anymore, yet he kept doing it.

I really wasn't interested in talking to him so I instead wrote him an Email asking him to please stop leaving me those messages, that I'd asked him before and that I wasn't certain why he found it so amusing when he knew I didn't. His response: "Okay.".

Seriously y'all, was it that unrealistic for me to expect an actual apology? I realize he hadn't done anything major to hurt me, but he knew I was annoyed with something he'd done and he didn't feel it necessary to at least say he was sorry. Does that bother anyone else?

I'm the kind of person who is literally burnt out by the time Friday afternoon comes along. I don't exactly why this is...maybe knowing that the weekend is near and I can sleep in the following day that I start feeling drained. So this past Friday, he got off work early and he called. I was kinda' monotone, not my usual sarcastic self, and he got a temper with me asking me WTF was wrong with me. I said it was nothing, that I was just tired...but I was kinda' thrown off-guard that he would get so nasty with me because of something like that.

Then there's his collection of guns. I understand that being in the military requires him to have knowledge of guns and own some, but not an arsenal. During one conversation in which I was telling him I don't like guns, I started hearing a popping noise going off in the background. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was shooting at the squirrels in his backyard. I told him that first of all, he can't get rid of the squirrels. Second, it's illegal to kill them and I know this for a fact because one time when I was little and we had a squirrel in our attic, a critter guy came with a trap and said once he got him, he would take him out to the country to release him. When my parents asked him why not just kill it, the guy said killing even squirrels is punishable with jail time.

He tried to appease me by telling me that it was only a pellet gun and that he was just trying to hurt them so they would leave and not return. I told him that he gave squirrels too much credit as they're not that smart to understand his purpose for shooting at them. Then he patronized me with "Oh I understand...you think it's about animal abuse, blah blah blah..." and whatever other crap came out of his mouth and I told him it was animal abuse and that if I found out he did it again, I would contact the police about it. He thought I was kidding which, of course, I wasn't. I don't care what kind of animal it is, if it's not hunting season, you're hurting it and that's considered animal abuse.

So what does he do on Saturday? He text messaged me a picture to my cell phone which required me to go to a website to retrieve it. It was a picture of he and his son posing in a shooting position holding guns. The title of the picture was called "gun control". Someone please tell me, who would be that idiotic to show someone such a picture when they know they despise guns? Furthermore, what could he possibly be getting out of trying to teach his 7 year old son how to hold/use a gun? I don't know how y'all feel, but I for one don't approve. I mean c'mon! I don't claim to be the perfect mother and all but I certainly don't think it's appropriate for a kid to be trained on how use a gun.

I calmly told him I though it was inappropriate for him to send me such a picture after I clearly told him I was against guns. I told him since his profile pictures on the dating site weren't all that clear, sending me a picture of him would have been a better idea. He started lecturing me how guns are a big part of his life and I returned the rude response with "Blah blah blah, I'm aware of that and frankly, I'm not interested.". He deserved it.

We chatted one more time on Saturday evening. At some point I let on that I was watching TV while in bed. "You have a TV in your bedroom? Bedrooms are for reading and sleeping, not watching TV.". Yep, another lecture. I told him to stop with the lecturing, that if I wanted a lecture I'd call my parents.

Anyway, I'm sure I could come up with more examples as to why I think this is a doomed relationship in the making but I'll leave it that. Now back to our regularly scheduled Monday morning!

the year of me

A few days before New Years, I awoke with a revelation...that I knew this year was going to turn out to be the best year of my life and that I have control over my life to make anything I want to happen to happen. In all my life, I have never had such an awakening. Has anyone else ever experienced something like this at some point in their life?

In 5 months I will turn 40. I made a promise with myself a long time ago that this was the year that I was going to work hard on getting myself into the best shape possible by the time my birthday hits and very early this morning, I started the process. And I have never been as excited and gung-ho about something in my life. I'm not sure if I'm excited to turn 40 or for the things to come. Probably the latter!

My health is in check. While I'm on long-term medication for allergies, cholesterol, complex ovarian cysts and migraines and people sometimes look at me like I'm about to fall apart at the seams when they hear about all my minor conditions, I have never felt better. Screw them!!

I'm still chatting with the military guy. Before my trip, I was confused about the way things were. Given the shitty marriage I was in and being very particular about who it is I'm looking for because of that, I originally couldn't get past some of his quirks and found some of the things he said to me rather bothersome. However, in the past week we have been extremely open with each other and we seem to fit well enough with each other to the point that he said to me yesterday, if things don't work out for us, he wants us to remain friends because of how well we get along.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm doing my best not to get too far ahead of things as we have yet to meet face-to-face and unfortunately, making my schedule mesh with his just isn't working which will probably mean that we won't have the opportunity to get together until April, when he returns from Iraq! But so far, this seems to be the most enjoyable time I've had chatting with someone in a long time and I look forward to the possibilities there, too.

Alright yo...I'm gonna' live up to my New Year's Resolution this weekend and get back to visiting your blogs so stay cool. Or perhaps warm!

so here it goes...

Day 1 of vacation -- Arrived in the usual way, by car and with hives on my person from the mere thought of having to be around my parents and sister.

Day 2, 3 and 4 -- My son attended baseball camp. This was the highlight of the trip for everyone as there were pro-ball players there coaching the kids. One of the coaches of my son's team was Victor Rodriguez, batting coach for the Boston Red Sox which, by the way, is my son's favorite team. To say that he was crapping in his pants with excitement would be putting it mildly.

In this camp they taught the kids hitting, catching and fielding. It was 3 half-days of intensive training and the kids loved it (actually 4 days but we missed one due to our traveling). Every day at the end of camp, they would play a mock game to show the parents what the kids learned. I learned that sometimes, no matter how hard I try, that fucking dirt just doesn't wash out of his baseball pants after the kid has slid into the bases over and over again.

The first few nights we were there, we took it easy. Had casual dinners out. The last day of my son's baseball camp, we had tickets to see Cats and a nice dinner beforehand...in which I got the first serious hot flash of my life starting with waves of nausea, lights flickering in front of my eyes, unable to catch my breath, drenched in hot sweat and then cold sweat and feeling weak enough to pass out. Which I didn't and I'm certain it bummed out my hypochondriac mother who was screaming for someone to call 911 because she was sure I was having a heart attack. OY. As soon as I got up from the table and walked outside to get some fresh air, it passed. All I can say, is thank God my mother isn't a doctor as she'd misdiagnose all her patients.

Somewhere in there, I can't really recall when, my father fell ill. He has always been a poor sleeper (now you know where I get it from), had not been sleeping well prior to our visit and developed a low-grade fever that lasted several days during the time we were there. Because my father is the epitome of stubborn, he continued to do things 1) without telling anyone he wasn't feeling well and 2) even when he had a fever. He did get himself checked out but never found out what was wrong with him. I guess they don't have a cure for acute stubbornness yet.

Sunday morning we had brunch at the club my parents belong to in which the day before, I actually got reamed out by both mother and father about what my daughter had chosen to wear. Apparently, they had never heard of 7 year old girls declaring their fashion independence and instead of just accepting it for what it was, they decided I was the best person to bash for it. Oh don't you worry, I put them both in their respective places, explained to my daughter loud enough for my parents to hear what uptight asses they were, and how they were too worried what their friends might think at her taste in fashion. Clearly, it was more for them to hear than for her to actually understand what I was saying, but they understood perfectly well that I think their social status snobs...

...which was proven once again New Year's Eve, when we went to dine at a place they frequent. I reluctantly rode with my father in his car -- reluctantly, because he can easily find things to lecture me about at the drop of a hat and that ride was no different. I was happily sporting the 2008 glasses my sister had gotten my daughter, and he actually yelled at me to take them off when we arrived at the restaurant because, as he put it, "We come here often and I don't want anyone to see you wearing them.". Gee dad, if you're that embarrassed by me, why do I fucking bother to come visit??!

So what happened? My mother asked why I wasn't wearing the glasses when I escaped from my father's clutches and I told her I was yelled at for wanting to wear them and refusing to remove them when he told me to. My mother "pppffffttt'd", took them and wore them into the restaurant as if it to say 'fuck you' to my father. My daughter took them and wore them, my son took them, my sister took them and not once did my father open his mouth to any of them. Frankly, I don't know why my father was so concerned as none of their friends are crazy enough to eat dinner as early as my parents. My parents, Mr. and Mrs. Early Bird Special.

And by the way, I had my second most horrendous hot flash of my life at dinner last night. I seem to get them when I'm eating. I think they're trying to tell me something. *wink*

I have jumped ahead a bit and this really completes the story...

Yesterday morning, my sister and mother took my kids to the beach so that I could pack which turned into a rather relaxing day for me as they ended up spending a good part of the day there. I have never been able to say that I relaxed on a trip to my parents' until now! Packing to leave there comes quiet easy and took very little time.

When the kids returned and had finished showering to remove beach particles from every little body crevice, we all rested. Somewhere during that time, my mother made my father take her to the ER because of heart palpitations she was having. *eye roll* What you don't understand about my mother is that she stresses herself out unnecessarily and does so every single day. This time, she was just stressing herself out because of an upcoming stress test due to an irregular heartbeat which I'm sure was far less severe than she claimed. During breakfast that morning, she was pissed off at me for telling her not to worry, telling her to worry about something only if there was something to worry about. I guess she wasn't pleased that her own daughter wasn't as concerned for her health as her friends apparently are.

And just to prove that I was right about her supposed health condition, when she returned from the hospital she presented a bottle of Xanax. For those of you who don't know what it is, it's a widely used medication to help with feelings of anxiety.

Sometime during the night, my mother came down with a supposed stomach bug. I told her it was food poisoning as she ate fish last night and she got sick almost immediately after. Apparently, my parents don't think that they could ever get food poisoning from any of the fabulous restaurants they frequent as if it's unheard of that even a decent restaurant might have tainted food. My father said she wasn't feeling well before dinner -- bless his dimwitted heart, I guess he doesn't understand that food poisoning has nothing to do with heart palpitations. I'm aware of the differences between food poison and stomach bugs but, as usual, my knowledge of such was ridiculed. Makes no difference to me if she doesn't want to know what can ease her runs and her sour stomach, thank GOD I'm no longer there to hear her constant complaints!

My sister stayed in true form, taking over as mother to my children as if I didn't exist, not correcting people when they made comments about "her children" and stepping on my toes by allowing my kids to do things after I had reprimanded them and forbade them from doing those very things. Oh don't worry...I set her straight too. She won't be crossing any boundaries with me anymore.

Have I mentioned how glad I am to be home?! Have I mentioned how glad I am that I don't have to see them for 3 months?! At least there's something to be thankful for in all this.

good gawd, y'all

For those of you who are reading this, you know I survived yet another family "vacation". For those of you who didn't see me on national news, it's because I was once again able to control my intense urges to assemble my high-powered telescopic rifle and take out my entire family.

I am here to tell you a few things...

1. Happy 2008! May this year bring you many memorable, fulfilling moments. Yes, I mean orgasms, duh.

2. Why hasn't someone invented a suitcase that unpacks itself?!

3. When I finally do finish unpacking and cleaning up the large splatter of dried cat vomit on my bathroom floor, I will be back to tell you about my trip.