i am in a foul, foul mood

I figure while I have the bitch theme going here, I might as well do some of it before I close down this blog.

Let me just get this outta' the way...I'm PMSing and my hormones are not being kind to me.

I hate using the word 'hate' but it applies so well to the asswipe drivers here. Now, again, I don't claim to be the perfect driver but if one more fucking douche bag tailgates me, merges into my lane without signaling nearly driving me off the side of the road or some old fart isn't tall enough to see over the steering wheel and therefore, swerves all over the fucking universe, I am going to pull out the imaginary M16 I keep in my car and blast them all to Stupidville where all the stupid-ass drivers reside.

The person who shall not be mentioned here obviously never learned any manners growing up. He probably had his dick in his ear or something while his mother was talking. There are three people whom I consider to be the most selfish people I have ever known and he is at the top of the list. He asks me to do favor after favor for him but getting him to respond to a simple fucking Email is like pulling pubic hairs out with a fucking tweezer. After he asked me in a text message to drop the kids off after my son's football practice tonight, I wrote him an Email and told him that I don't expect much where he's concerned but if he expects me to do him favors, then he needs to reciprocate even if it's something as minor as responding to an Email about something regarding the kids. He wrote back, "What favor?!"!! Can someone be that oblivious?! I actually had to respond defining the word 'favor' for him. If someone is going to the brain bank, could you please pick him up one that doesn't have a dent in it...from my kicking it in.

Schwartz is a fucking shit monster. It all started this past weekend when we had torrential, non-stop rain the entire weekend and he just decided that he was going to make my house his own personal toilet instead of going outside to do his business. Boy, can he be so disagreeale sometimes! My house smelled like dog ass the entire frickin' weekend. And today...OMG...my daughter took him outside and I swear, he was inside for two minutes and I turned my back for two seconds when he shit all over the front hallway and dining room. Over the weekend he shit in my bathroom too! I can't fucking stand it anymore! My son actually asked if I just couldn't stick his ass on the toilet!

Montana is driving me nuts. He can't stand the collar so he's constantly scratching at it. The noise wakes me up in the middle of the night. I don't know what is worse...listening to him yarf all over the place, Schwartz's stanky ass in my face on the pillow next to me or listening to the non-stop scratching at that damn fucking thing!

The next complaint is reason #409 why I choose to remain single. Facebook has put me in touch with quite a number of people, including people I'm getting to know through mutual contacts. So this guy and I started talking one day about a month ago and even though he's 1,000+ miles away and there's no chance that we'd ever meet or get together (the story of my life), we've been having some great chats. Until this past weekend.

Both of us are divorced and neither of us had our kids this past weekend so we decided that it would be a good time to chat away. Only, come early Saturday morning, he decided to make a rude and very unnecessary comment to me which completely turned me off from ever communicating with him again!

Now, it's not so much what he said (it was through IM and I realize that it was probably a joke) as much as it was completely inappropriate and unfunny, if there is such a word. It was not sexual, it just gave off the impression that he thought he was too good for words to express - too good for anyone. Sorry, I hate shit like that. I can't stand people who think they're above anyone else. Even if it was a joke, which I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and say it was, I just can't be bothered. I've done everything I can to avoid him online, he didn't call me this weekend either so he must have known that I was perturbed, and he hasn't tried calling me since. Thank goodness for small miracles!

I'm sure the above are not the only things I can bitch about but it's the end of the day and I'm not as on-the-ball as earlier!

absence makes the heart grow fonder

I've been absent from my blogging duties for a few days. You know you missed me, bitches. Don't deny it. You sit there in anticipation of my next post. Shut up, yes you do. I know you do. You suffer withdrawal symptoms worse than one suffers from crack.

Speaking of crack, my daughter is still going at it. I ask her to fart and she farts. If I asked her to fart ten times in a row, she could do it. There's something seriously wrong with her bowels. She now says I should create a farting competition. We should call it Fart Fest 2008 and she assures me she would win the first place prize. A year supply of beans, perhaps?! No no, I think it should be a trophy of a figure in a squatting position with a poof of air coming out of his/her ass. Ahh, perfect.

Anyway...

Since my last post, I have done the usual motherly duties of laundry, helping my son with a school project, chauffering the kids here and there and dealing with a cat ailment. This past week I found out that my eldest cat, Montana, has to have eye surgery to repair a puncture wound that our dog made when he thought it would be a good idea to stick his tooth in the cat's eye and bite down. Cringing yet?!

If you guessed that I have to spend more money, you were right. The surgery will cost more than my new TV set and entertainment stand.

*shakes head*

Most people, even cat owners, don't know that a cat contracts Herpes as it passes through its mother's womb. In most cats, it remains dormant their entire lives. It is usually onset by a severe illness or a period of extreme stress.

When we first moved down here in the summer of '99, my cat developed a urinary tract infection on top of a severe virus. Three weeks after we moved in, we had to evacuate suddenly for Hurricane Floyd. The pressure was on and everyone felt it. The day after we returned home, Montana's left eye was more red than a ripened tomato. Off to the vet he went.

In a month's time, the doctor tried everything, even stitching his eye shut for two weeks. Upon removing the stitches, Montana squinted his eye shut as he had done before the stitches were put in. I was referred to an animal opthamologist who found Herpes lesions in both his eyes (and no, I didn't give it to him, thankyouverymuch!!). Since then, I have taken him to see the doctor religiously in order to try to maintain healthy eyes. Montana has had his good and bad moments. This is one of the real bad ones.

Just a few months ago, Montana had an eye abrasion on his right eye, probably from rough-housing with one of our other cats. When we cleared up that problem and the doctor said "See you in six months." I knew he was jinxing me. Sure enough...This time it's his left eye with a very clear laceration. I won't give you the details but it's kinda' nasty to look at.

Tomorrow morning, he will have a graft put over the wound to help heal it. Clearly, my giving him his eye medications is not enough and it's only getting worse. Frankly, I think the doctor should remove his eye altogether and I only say that because this particular eye has made the poor cat suffer so over the years, it's enough already!

Ah well...another day, another dollar spent. If any of you happen to see a nice-sized cardboard box sturdy enough for me, my two kids and four pets to live in, please reserve it for me. I might need it soon as I'll probably have to sell my house to pay for all this shit!

crash and burn

I figured out the hard way yesterday what happens when I take speed too early in the day.

No wonder people get addicted to this stuff! Once it wears off, they want more!

Don't worry, I didn't do that. I had coffee instead and it did absolutely nothing for me. I still wanted to curl up in a ball on my floor and go to sleep!

I may need toothpicks to keep my eyes open while driving in the late afternoon but hey, at least I wasn't hungry!

In the comments section of this post, Metalmom asked who the doctor was that was giving me the "diet pills" (wink, wink). Honestly, I wouldn't know him if I ran into him as I've never actually met him! For all I know, he may not even be a real person! Every time I've gone to his office, I've been told ahead of time that I'm gonna' meet with him and it's always his physician's assistant. She went through the same shpiel with me as she always does - this is what you do, this what you shouldn't eat, here are the pills, see you in a month! If I asked for pharmaceutical cocaine, they'd probably hand that over to me too, no questions asked!

I'll let you know how today goes. I didn't have that warm fuzzy feeling yesterday that I had with the pills on the first day. Boy, how I miss that. *wink*

gwen stefani had it right...

...this shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!!!

People, this weekend couldn't have sucked worse. Well, I guess it could have but let me not jinx myself more than I already have!

For those of you who are just tuning in, you must read the post prior to this one to fully grasp the weekend I've had. I'll wait...










C'mon already!







At bedtime last night, I told myself that I would have a completely different and much better day today. That, unfortunately, was not to be had. I had the same day as yesterday, only worse!

Yesterday, I couldn't figure out where on my son's new computer was the software I had downloaded. Today I found it, still couldn't figure out how to make a desktop shortcut for it but nevertheless, I found it. Score! Then, after acsessing one of the software programs and getting stuck in one part, I realized that he has to have Internet connection to use said software in order to be able to use the full features. So I set up his new high-speed Internet. It. Didn't. Work.

This is where I should have laughed at everything that had gone wrong thus far but I didn't.

I checked and rechecked everything. Originally I thought it was one of the phone cords but it wasn't until my kids came home from their dad's for the weekend that I learned there's no juice coming from the phone outlet. So now I'll have to have someone from the phone company come out to figure out why as this phone jack used to work. And trust me, they better figure out why and fix it! Anyway, I packed up the Internet stuff for now and I'll have to get back to that later.

Brain-damaged beyond belief at this point, I went downstairs to relax in my family room with what I predicted would be some bad TV. The. TV. Didn't. Work. The fucked up part is that it had just worked for me a few hours earlier. And after spending the better part of an hour talking to a customer service representative, he came to the conclusion that the problem had nothing to do with the cable box because he was seeing from his end that I was getting a full signal, but that it was the TV. The TV lasted us 9+ years, so I guess I got my money's worth, right?!

The only good thing is I have a TV stored in my attic that is similar to the one I already have but I'll need the assistance of a big burly man from the cable company to help me with that and I have one scheduled to come out tomorrow. Just my luck, I'll be out picking up my kids from school or something.

My kids' school has gone green in the sense that most information can be found on the school's website and printed out at home instead of them sending home information on paper with the kids. For the past few weeks, I've been printing out my daughter's weekly spelling lists and the weekly newsletter that identifies what's being done in her different classes with no problems. Today, I was able to print out her spelling list but I am unable to print out the weekly newsletter because an error message kept coming up that I didn't have compatible software. Of course I do have the right software but I thought I'd do one better and download an upgraded version. When I did, my keyboard to this computer started going wonky on me! Several times I would type a word here for this post, only for the letters in that word winding up in the wrong order and trust me, I was typing them in the right order! Doesn't make sense, does it?! Then again, pretty much everything that's happened this weekend hasn't made much sense!

Anyway, since canceling the download, all is back to normal. I'm aware that with what's been going on here, "normal" is all relative. *wink*

if things happen in threes, i'm all stocked up for a year!

Before I complain to you about what a loser I am and about what a difficult go of things I have, much worse than any of you of course, *snicker*, I needed to apologize again about being so out of touch with everyone. I've been an awful blogging friend and I just wanted y'all to know that I haven't forgotten any of you and will be making it up soon.

Last week was overly busy and this week will be pretty much the same. And I'm going to use a similar excuse as "my dog ate my homework" because I've been spending far too much time on Facebook. If Facebook were crack, I'd be Amy Winehouse. Okay, I'm not so sure that made any sense but then again, it is only 4:44am when I'm typing this!

My son entered the sixth grade this year and it's a very difficult year at that. Much of his work is going to be spent on Powerpoint, Excel and Word so I had to buy him that software for his computer here. As much as I enjoy living with my ancient dial-up, that's not good enough for the amount of research he has to do so I had to get him high-speed Internet. While I'm on the subject, do not under any circumstances get Comcast for your Internet connection. They wanted to take my first born, one of my kidneys and an arm just so I could afford their fucking Internet service. Seriously unbelievable the amount of money they wanted per month!

A few days ago, I finally got my lazy ass upstairs to install his software and the high-speed, only to discover that their computer was fucking toast! The CD-rom wouldn't even open and no amount of picking and prying helped. I asked them when this may have happened, and neither of them can even remember the last time they were on their computer! My son said it may have been two years ago!!!!

Friday night, I went out and within thirty minutes, they had a new computer. No frills, no bells or whistles, just the basic stuff as I had the software to install and nothing else was needed. I got it home with the intention of setting it all up yesterday morning. I set the computer up and turned it on. The instructions read that it could take up to twenty minutes to power on so I went about my business and went to tackle the growing pile of laundry. Came back twenty or so minutes later and still nothing. No video whatsoever. I unplugged and replugged. Nothing. The computer was a total dud! Just my luck, right?!

I had been planning a relaxing day. I was going to give myself a pedicure and inbetween watching crappy TV, I was going to do laundry and tidy up a little bit. It was not to be had. At 10am, when the store opened, I called them and they said the only thing I could do was bring the computer back, they would have their tech guys check it out and if it was gone, they'd swap it out. I anticipated this and had already packed up the computer. In the meantime, I realized that my dryer, which I always set for a 70 minute cycle, had stopped after only forty minutes. Curious, I checked. Dead. Most of my sheets were dry, freakin' burning hot actually because they hadn't gone through the cooling down cycle, but D-E-A-D, dead. My beloved dryer of fourteen years! I literally crumbled in a ball on the laundry room floor and cried! First one thing, then another! Too much stuff to do and it turning to shit all around me! The world was surely coming to an end!

At the same moment, my laundry room light decided it was a super time to dim on me. Those fucking florescent bulbs last about a minute, I tell ya'!

And...just as I was thinking this morning what a good boy Schwartz has been lately for doing his bu'iness outside and alerting me to when he has to go to the bathroom, I found a heaping mound of steamy shit in the dining room.

Someone has it out for me.

I picked my sorry ass up off the floor and started getting myself together. First I made the beds with whatever sheets were dry, got myself dressed but then something told me that I should go back to the laundry room. I pushed the dryer door shut, pressed the button and...IT WORKED!!!!! My dryer may have one foot in dryer heaven, but for now she's still okay!!

After all that was said and done, I went to the store and the guy helping me had the same problem with the computer so they immediately swapped it out for a new one. No hassles, no threatening his life. I told the guy I wasn't removing it from the store unless he checked it for me first. That was part of their service, so indeed, he would check it. "Come back in twenty minutes...or an hour." he said. Huh? First it was twenty minutes, the next minute he said an hour "just in case we get a rush of people". So I went down the road to get gas which was at least a ten-minute drive and figured that would give them enough time. Called a friend inbetween. The sun was out, it was a clear sky and 80-some degrees, not that bullshit cold, fallish 60-some degrees we've been having lately! It was a very pleasant day and I was in a good mood despite this inconvenience.

I went back and after a brief wait, I was back on the road. I decided for the rest of the day I would relax and get my laundry finished. No further problems with my dryer. *knocks on wood about 100 times*

Later on in the day, I went upstairs to finally hook up the new computer and...no fucking cable to connect the computer to the monitor! I checked and rechecked the boxes. Nothing. To say I was fuming would be like saying I can't wait for the day when my daughter comes home and tells me she's having massive amounts of sex. Okay, bad comparison.

I went back to the store. As it turns out, it was entirely my fault as that necessary part is included with the monitor, not the computer, and I accidentally returned it in the computer box. Luckily, the computer I had returned earlier in the day was still behind the customer service counter and they easily dug the cable out for me.

I went home, hooked up the computer and it worked. I installed the software. Today, I have to install the high-speed Internet software and hook up the computer for that. Now it's basically familiarizing myself with it enough to be able to instruct my kids how to use it and that's the hard part. I think my Dell is three or four years old, maybe five, but it was never this difficult to learn! Between the day I had and trying to maneuver my way around this new computer, I was more brain damaged than a person without brain waves. Even talking to my kids on the phone last night was a total struggle! I was ready to have my second cry of the day, that's how frustrated I was!

Nothing a good night sleep wouldn't solve. Too bad I don't sleep well! 'Cause here I am up early again!

who said anything about a separation?!

Guys, this just keeps getting better and better. Or, should I say, this keeps getting worse and worser. Heh.

Q: When is a separation not a separation?!
A: When the new house is really a love nest.

"Huh?" you ask?!

My daughter didn't have school today because it was parent/teacher conferences. She asked that I take her out to lunch so I thought it was a perfect time to ask her again about what was going on with the person who shall not be mentioned here.

She began the way she previously did...

"They're still in a relationship but when all three of us kids (including her child) are together, they don't get any free time together so they needed to get another house so they can have some alone time."

*blank stare"

She added, "I know it sounds confusing..."

Confusing?! Confusing doesn't even cover it, it doesn't even make fucking sense! You want alone time? Go get a fucking hotel room on weekends you don't have the kids, you fucking morons!

Is this the biggest load of horseshit y'all have ever heard?! I mentioned the word 'separated' to my daughter and she had no idea what I was talking about.

Lemme' back up for a minute...

When we were going through the divorce process, we mutually decided that we did not want the kids schlepping back and forth from house-to-house every other week. Our arrangements are that they stay at my house during the week, he sees them a few times during the week depending on what his work schedule allows and he has them every other weekend.

It's already been confirmed to me that the two love birds are officially separated by a close friend and employee of his wife's, so why are they lying to the kids? It's just like them to form an excuse blaming the kids for their relationship issues.

When we split, the kids were too young to understand the situation. We didn't lie to them but they just didn't get it. Now that they're older, not only would they understand and learn to adjust but kids have feelings too and will start distrusting those who choose to be dishonest with them. The last person I want them to have such feelings towards is their own father.

Of course his and her relationship is of no concern of mine but when my kids are involved and I hear that they're being lied to, then I feel the need to step in. On one hand, I'm seriously contemplating constructing an Email message to him, telling him what a disservice he's doing to himself and to the kids by not telling them the truth. Is this dishonesty the kind of relationship he wants to have with the kids? 'Cause the longer he keeps the truth from them, the longer it will probably take for the kids to trust him again and/or believe anything he says.

The other hand is telling me that if he wants to fuck up his relationship with his kids, to butt out and let him.

Anyone have their own take on this, pearls of wisdom, insight...?

too rigid? you be the judge

Last night, my son had a football scrimmage at his school to allow the kids on his and the opposing team they played who don't ordinarily get the opportunity to play during a regular game to have some good team-building playtime on the field. The person who shall not be mentioned here was there and after everything was done, took the kids for a few hours.

This is where the problem started for me...he called me twenty minutes 'til 9. Nine pm is their bedtime. Sharp. I have to get the kids up at 6:15am for school so there is no breathing room for when they go to bed during the week or else they will suffer considerably during the course of the day.

He told me that they went to dinner and they went to the mall. He knew, as he's always known, that 9pm is their bedtime, no ifs, ands or buts. Why did they go to the mall? Couldn't tell you, don't really give a shit. Did they have to go to the mall? Most likely not. Did it cut into their down time to relax before bed so they wouldn't go to bed all wound up. You bet your sweet asses it did! Did it piss me off?! Um...is the sky fucking blue?!?!??!!?

So he starts telling me the deal...that my son has some papers from school for me to sign and that he has to take a shower when he gets home, blah, blah fucking blah. So I told him the deal - have them back before nine, plain and simple. That's their bedtime and he knew it. My son will take a shower before bed or in the morning, depending on if time allows and depending on when he gets his shit together and gets the kids home.

When my son takes a shower, it wakes him up so do I want him to feel all refreshed and awake enough to be able to watch a 9-inning baseball game on TV when he's supposed to be in bed? FUCK NO!!

He chuckles as if I'm performing a comedy act that I'm unaware of and asks, "Why are you being so rigid?"

I asked him "Why are you being the usual dumb fuck that you tend to be?"

Okay, I didn't say that but I wanted to.

So I laid it out for him...my house, my rules. If you take them out from my house, you get them back when I say you get them back. If you don't like that and are incapable of following someone else's rules, then don't take them out during the week. When I realized the familiar sound of his panties being tied in a very tight knot and knew that he was getting ready to hang up on me, I hung up on him.

This is what I didn't get the chance to tell him but will do so in an Email message today...if he takes the kids out on a school night, he leaves enough time to get them back before their bedtime, not when he feels like it. When we got divorced, he put me in charge as primary caregiver so in general, what I say goes and if he doesn't like it, tough shit. Since the day our divorce was granted in a court of law, I've always been very lenient with the schedule in the fact that we have a set schedule arranged in our divorce agreement that we've never followed because I always thought that as long as I stayed flexible with him and allowed him to see the kids when his schedule allowed, things would be cool between us. But if he wants to fuck around and think he can do what he wants, then he'll start following that pre-arranged schedule if I say so.

Am I being too strict? I don't think so. Kids need structure and order in their lives or chaos ensues. I've never said anything about what he does at his house because it's his house and he makes the rules there. I wasn't put on this earth to understand them or even like them, but they're his rules and I understand and accept them. He doesn't have to understand or accept mine, he doesn't even have to respect me, but he does have to respect my rules and not question them when he doesn't like them.

The Queen has spoken. *snicker*

another movie review

I have some good advice that I hope y'all will take.

Under no circumstances should you watch the movie Lost Boys: The Tribe.

Remember the cult movie Lost Boys with Corey Haim, Corey Feldman and Keifer Sutherland? It was good, right? It's a movie you can watch over and over again and it never gets old. At least that's my opinion and I'm sticking to it.

I don't want to get too far ahead of myself. Let's start with the reality show, The Two Coreys, with the drama queen Corey Feldman vs. the train wreck, Corey Haim. If you watched The Two Coreys like I watched The Two Coreys, then you knew that in season 1, Corey Haim was distraught over finding out that they were not going to be making a Lost Boys 2. In season 2, we learn that they are, in fact, making a Lost Boys 2 but that Corey Haim is a drug-addicted, panic-stricken lost cause who cannot learn his lines to save his life and is, unfortunately for him, hits the cutting room floor. There's a whole lot of mish-mosh inbetween but who gives a shit about that stuff?!

My ex threw my son his birthday party yesterday so I had four hours to myself. It was a toss-up between doing massive amounts of laundry or watching a movie on TV. There wasn't much to choose from but I saw the Lost Boys 2 movie and I couldn't resist.

Vampire surfers, who woulda' thunk it?! Eh, I guess there's all kinds.

So let's go back to Santa Ana where the town itself is still creepy as ever. Here are a brother and sister new to the town. The brother is a former professional surfer who meets up with another former professional surfer-turned-vampire who takes to the guy's sister. Here comes Edgar Frog aka Corey Feldman, surfboard shaper/vampire hunter who takes the former professional surfer under his wing and shows him ways to get his sister out from under the clutches of the hotty vampire surfer. When he showed him the metal stake that looked a lot like a vibrator, the water I was drinking shot through my nose.

Allow me to add that Corey Feldman can't act for shit. Plain and simple.

Okay...same storyline as the first movie...brother has to find head vampire and kill him before his sister has her first kill and turns completely into a vampire. YAWN!!!! I fell asleep towards the end so we will just have to guess what happens. Hmm...I wonder.

I'm more torn up that there will be no third season of their reality show than at how disappointing the movie was!

eating on the road

I don't usually eat fast food mainly because I don't want to die at a young age with clogged arteries. But now that I'm mobile, I'm throwing my daughter her long-awaited birthday party after school today and I have so much to do, there's no time to make myself a healthy meal at home. Plus I really like the ice coffee at Mickey D's.

Of course there's always time for blogging so I had to tell you about my wonderful experience at the drive-thru this morning.

Idiot Drive-Thru Woman: Welcome to McDonald's, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I'll have the powdered egg sandwich with a slab of that greasy meat-substitute on stale two-day old bread. And make sure you put twice the butter on the bread to make it really soft so it appears as if it's fresh. I would also like a regular medium iced coffee with two creams and two sugars, please.
IDTW: Did you see hot coffee?
Me: I said 'iced coffee".
IDTW: _azlenut?
Me: Pardon?
IDTW: _o _ou __nt Hazlenut fl_v_r in your hot coffee?
Me: No thank you. And I said "a regular iced coffee".
IDTW: Do you _ant me to put _of_ee in that?
Me: I'm sorry, did you just ask me if you want me to have you put coffee in the iced coffee?!
IDTW: No, I asked you if you want c_eam _n_ su_ar wit_ that?

(Uh, no she didn't.)

Me: Yes thank you. I already told you I wanted two creams and two sugars.

In case you hadn't already figured it out, this woman taking the orders did not know how to use the headset properly. Those blank spaces signify how she kept cutting herself off and frankly, I'm kinda' proud of myself that I was able to decipher what she was saying without needing an interpreter. I don't mean to offend any fast food drive-thru personnel out in Blogging Land but for fuck's sake, I'm pretty sure you don't need a freakin' Master's degree to work that damn headset!

I drove around to pay at the first window. I had to wait because the woman was too busy inserting toys into empty Happy Meal boxes to bother taking my money. I timed her and it took her a minute and a half before acknowledging my presence. And inbetween watching her do such a superb job inserting those shit plastic toys in boxes and trying my hardest to patiently wait for her to pay attention, I asked her "Do I have to do a dance or something to get you to take my money?".

Seriously, who has time for this shit?!

She looked up and with a smile and a very vacant look in her eye she happily greeted me, took my money, presented me with my change and went back to work. Can anyone say "Twilight Zone"?! Talk about weird.

I drove to the next window knowing that my order was going to be fucked up and I was not disappointed. Or should I say that I was disappointed but not surprised. Anyway, the manager handed me what else but a steaming cup of hot coffee.

Me: For Pete's sake, are you serious??!
Manager: Is there a problem?
Me: Considering I spent five minutes trying to make your girl there understand that I wanted ICED COFFEE, yeah I'd say there was a problem!

Do you know that bitch of a drive-thru girl started shaking her head at me?!

Me: You better not be shaking your head at me because in case you didn't already know, the customer is always right and that's just rude behavior on your part. Clean the shit out of your ears and learn how to use your headset so that you press the button before you start speaking and not in mid-sentence. If you did it right, there'd be no confusion now, would there?

The manager handed me my ICED coffee, apologized for the problem and while I was checking to make sure she didn't fuck up the rest of my order, the manager asked the girl to give her the headset and go find a job in the kitchen.

That was the manager's first mistake...thinking that someone with her head shoved high up her rectum would know what she was doing.

Valuable lesson learned. No matter how much I may get a hankerin' for greasy, nasty food, I'm eating at home from now on!

mystery man revealed

Dead asleep shortly after 9pm last night, I was not the least bit happy when my cell phone started ringing an hour later. And guess who it was?! Yep, Mr. Private Caller. As earlier in the day, the call went unanswered and was sent directly to voicemail but no voicemail was left. Thankfully, no further calls came through.

However...

Given that I already have poor sleep habits and it's very difficult for me to go back to sleep once I awaken and given that I turned over to face this

on the pillow next to me plus his stinky-ass gas stench had already permeated my pillowcase, it was very difficult, to say the least, to fall back to sleep.

And my restlessness proved to be a bitch because I ended up moving my pillow too close to my night stand, knocking off my glasses. Do you know how hard it is to look in the dark for the one thing that helps you see?! I ended up having to get out my old pair of glasses which, of course, was also difficult to find since I couldn't fucking see!!

*heavy sigh*

No amount of watching Tabatha's Salon Takeover (Tabatha Coffey was the first season winner from the reality TV show, Shear Genius) helped me go back to sleep either. In fact, I was very intrigued by the whole concept of some raging hair-styling know-it-all bitch going into some shitty stripmall salon bent on making the stylists better at their craft and the salon a nicer, more appealing place to be. Of course the one time I watch this show, a stylist goes off on Tabatha basically calling her Hitler and telling her that she was purposefully making a fucking spectacle of everything. I got sucked into the drama and needless to say, I watched the whole pathetic episode.

Then (there's always a 'then'), I got caught up in watching Chelsea of Chelsea Lately fame and being taken with her boney collar bone which was, perhaps, the most abnormal-looking protruding collar bone I've ever seen on a woman before!

Wait...what was the point of this post? Oh yeah, right...

So after Mr. Private Caller woke me the fuck up and I was tossing and turning for the better part of an hour, a lightbulb went off in my braindead head and I had a feeling I knew who it was that was calling. I listened to the voicemail he left yesterday and figured out that yes, I indeed did know who it was...a guy whom I had chatted with on a dating site years ago, whom I had plans to meet at one point but they fell through because he was still married, hadn't yet gone through the divorce process and was still nursing old wounds. It was a mess, to say the least, and left me feeling a bit damaged as well in the end.

I have no hard feelings for the guy, I just don't have the desire to talk to him after all this time has passed. I don't know about y'all, but the fact that he held onto my number leaves me feeling a little creeped out!

So we'll see if he calls again today and even though I've figured out who he is, it'll be interesting to see if he actually decides to tell me his name or continues to try to keep his identity a mystery. If I wanted a daily dose of aggravation and game-playing, I'd be out dating. Naturally!

the games that people play

I don't know about the rest of you, but I never accept phone calls that register 'private number' on my Caller ID mainly because it's usually someone purposefully hiding their identity and who know I wouldn't answer their call if I knew who they were.

Today I got one of those such calls. It took the person three times calling to finally leave a message and then when all was said and done, I still don't know who the fuck he was!

As the message says, according to him he's a voice from my past. Someone who is going to be in town for a few days and who will call me again when his plane lands. No other identifying characteristics, not even a name to let me know who it was. I've always been pretty good about remembering a voice but not this time.

IF I wanted a guy in my life right now, it would be someone who would feel comfortable telling me his name and not greeting me with "this is a voice from your past". All I can say, is that I'm sure there's a really good reason he's in the past and perhaps he should stay there. The fact that he didn't even disclose his name speaks volumes. It's probably some psycho I'd rather see dead. Seriously.

Hopefully I'll be lucky and it's just some guy who dialed the wrong number. Let's all keep our fingers crossed, shall we?!

morning movies

All I can say is "wow".

I woke up early as usual but a little late for me, turned on the TV and noticed that The Da Vinci Code was coming on. Even though the movie is long, I like it so I was looking forward to just holding down the sofa for a few hours this morning.

I was sitting here at the computer getting my early-morning Facebook fix (it's addictive, I tell you!) when I heard the the vaguely familiar sound of hot sweaty sex. I turned around to see some skanky soft porn movie on called The Da Vinci COED.

Oops!

I thought it was a mistake on my part so I pressed the information button and sure enough, it read The Da Vinci CODE.

The Coed movie did not appear to be the Holy Grail of movies so I instead grabbed my camera and headed out about town to see if there was anything I could capture. If you want to see what I shot, you'll have to check out my photoblog (what else but a shameless plug?!) over the next few days!

When I got home, I thought it was about time that I got rid of these nasty things and gave myself a pedicure. I wanted a polish that dries quickly so that I wouldn't be without my support brace for too long so I chose some metallic Exorcist Green color. And by the way, those toenails pictured are not mine. My toenails may grow fast but not that fast!

About a month or so before my accident, I wrote about this Kamikaze squirrel that resides in one of our pine trees. I was outside just a short while ago while with Schwartz when I heard something break loose from the limbs high above. This fucking pine cone hit me square on top of my head! At least I think it was a pine cone as I didn't see a limb on the ground. If there's one thing I learned about my experience tonight, other than that squirrel has it out for me, is that pine cone's hurling towards earth from the top of an 80+ foot pine tree hurts like a motherfucker!

a week in the life of a gimp

Ah, my blogging friends, it's been one helluva week!

It started last Friday when I went food shopping by myself for the first time. What usually takes me thirty minutes or less took me an hour. By the time I was done, my feet hurt so bad, I wished I could crawl to my car.

My son has recently joined a weekend baseball team. Football during the week, baseball on Sundays. Since it was my weekend with the kids last weekend, I was responsible for shlepping them to the baseball park. I had to walk/limp/hobble along in very hot and humid 90+ degree heat and by the time I got to the bleachers, I'm certain there was a puddle of sweat trailing behind me. The makeup I had applied that morning was gone by the time I opened my car door when we arrived at the park.

This week was very busy. Aside from trying to take my time and letting my feet call the shots about how much I can get done in one day, I'm disappointed in the grooming Schwartz got and I've been annoyed all week from that! Yes, just from that!

When I picked him up from those shitty groomers at Petsmart last Friday, it looked like they had gotten tired of grooming him and chose not to shave/shape the fur on his head. Now he wakes up everyday with bedhead. It's cute. For about a second. Then I get annoyed all over again.

His paws...two of his paws were trimmed nicely, the other two, not so much. WTF happened? Did the groomer have her head shoved up her ass when she was grooming him?!

And while I'm on the subject of asses, she did a shit job shaving him with a zigzag pattern on his chest, but she did remember to shave his asshole. Yes, I said his asshole. He has a perfectly shaven, clean asshole (well, as clean as a dog's asshole can possibly be). From a groomer's perspective she was probably thinking, "No buttnuggets for you today, mister!" which is fine but he's got a bald asshole, for crying out loud! Maybe I should take him back and tell her if she's going to shave it she might as well bleach it too. If she wants it clean, make it fucking clean! Needless to say, I won't be using Petsmart again and if any of you use the Petsmart in your area for grooming, just make sure the groomer doesn't look like she just shot up.

I've been really bad about blogging lately. The motivation is just not there. Same with my photoblog (shameless plug). I'm gonna' try to be better at it though so don't anyone forget about me 'cause if you think I bitch now, just wait if you stop coming to visit me!

adding a piece to the puzzle

So yesterday I talked about this nonsensical billboard advertisement. Later on in the morning, I was driving along the same highway where this billboard is and I noticed something I hadn't mentioned before. Part of the advertisement reads 'Only 30 available'.

Not that that makes this cryptic advertisement any more understandable, I just thought I'd mention it.

So guess what?

I talked to my father yesterday.

It wasn't by choice, I'll tell you that much. I spoke to my mother earlier in the week in which she said that she wanted to speak to the kids this weekend so I had the kids call while we were out yesterday and when my daughter was finished speaking, she handed me the phone. I'm always in the habit of asking 'hello?' to make sure no one's there before hanging up but this time, both my parents were on the phone.

Fuck me. Hard.

So I spoke to them and if my tone were any chillier, my parents would have frozen solid. They asked me how I was, (WOW) and how I was managing things. I told them as briefly as possible what was going on. There were no 'I love you's' exchanged, thankfully, because I can't promise I would have responded if they had said it.

I think I pushed myself too hard yesterday because today, my left ankle is more than just a little tender. I was on my feet from morning 'til almost 10 at night with very little rest inbetween. I know I shouldn't rush things but when you have stuff to do, you have stuff to do!

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, bitches!

i'm having a hard time with this one

I've been meaning to write about this for some time now. For about a month or so, this one particular highway here has a billboard advertisement for the 2009 Ford Flex. The tag line reads "The Boo Radley Special". Has anyone else seen this advertisement?

One of my favorite books and movies is To Kill A Mockingbird. For those of you who don't know the story, which I'm pretty certain most if not all of you do, Boo Radley is a mysterious man who keeps to himself, many people in the town have never even seen him and wonder if he's even real.

So how does the term 'Boo Radley' come into play when selling a car?!

*listens to crickets chirping*

I just don't get it.

I researched and the closest I got to an explanation was this paragraph from an online story discussing cars that were being 'put out to pasture':

Mercury Montego
The Boo Radley of automobiles, a lot of people won't notice it's been dropped from this year's lineup because a lot of people don't know it existed in the first place. Ford's going to try, try again, though: It's being relaunched this year as the Sable.


Read the first sentence again. If you think about that and compare it to the character in the story, man, that's fucking harsh!

But again, how does Boo Radley apply to this newer advertisement? The Boo Radley Special? Are they saying that if we give it time, this one will be just as forgotten as the Mercury Montego?!

I just don't see how such a negative reference to the story can have positive results. Someone help me make some fucking sense of this shit!!

OMG. I just realized something. There's war going on this world. Poverty. Killer storms here in the south. And I'm wondering about the meaning of an advertisement.

Someone slap me! Yeah, yeah, don't push too fast to get to the head of the line, yo. Y'all will get your chances!

here's hanna!!!

Hanna has presented herself in the form of light drizzling rain. Wow, what a storm! I really shouldn't complain but a tropical storm should be more impressive than this!

I attended my daughter's Parent Night at her school. As feared, this woman is one of the class room moms. Some of you who've been reading my blog for awhile may remember this sow. The funny thing is, she wasn't there last night but the woman who's her co-room mom was, someone who has never been a room mom before. For some reason I cannot yet explain, this bitch told the virgin room mom that she was a room mom last year which, of course, she wasn't! She has three children, one of whom is only four and doesn't yet attend the school. I was a room mom last year in the class with her son and I checked and rechecked the directory and she most certainly was not a room mom last year for her daughter's class, as she claims! I'm gonna' figure out a time and a place to tell this woman that she was lied to.

Why should I make it my business? Well, some people in this world are meant to be heads of major corporations. Some people are meant to be baby factories and keep reproducing until their uterus drops out of them. And then there are people like me who make it their goal in life to be the biggest bitch that they possibly can be before they die! Just one more notch to add to my bitch belt.

Seriously though, what was the point of lying? If you recall (read the post if you don't), this woman acted like she knew everything about everything and just because she was able to organize a nice baby shower for my daughter's teacher does not a room mom make! This should be yet another interesting year...my ignoring this woman and laughing in her face simultaneously! Wooooo, this should be fun!

Speaking of laughing at someone...my kids won't stop laughing at me! I found out the true purpose of a cane...so that one doesn't fall over while walking. The day I was taken off crutches, I lost my balance and walked into so many walls and doors, I'm surprised I don't have any bruises! This morning, I was standing at the washer doing laundry when I sneezed and nearly fell over! I can walk without a cane although I waddle like a duck and the kids can't get enough of walking behind me and giggling because every so often they need to tell me I'm leaning over. I'm getting better though and I'm thinking that by the end of next week I won't need either the support brace or the cane.

Anyway, I have a busy weekend planned for the kids so I doubt I'll be online much. Enjoy yourselves!

oh happy day!

I'm having a good day today!

I've put thoughts of my family on the back burner. As the devil on my shoulder keeps telling me, fuck 'em! Thinking about them causes my stress level to go up and I have more important things to do with my life, like focus on my kids and worry about whether or not the next shitty meal I cook for them will poison them!

I was unable to rest comfortably at bedtime last night with the big boot on my left foot. It is heavy and can be rather irritating at times. I took it off and it was the first time since this shit happened that I was able to sleep without it on. And it was a decent sleep, too. Yay me!

Nearly four weeks after my accident happened, and I finally figured out a way to take Schwartz outside without having to maneuver stairs. While it's a little difficult to manage the lip of the doorway leading to my back deck, I'm able to put him on the leash and with a 15-foot lead, he can walk wherever he wants on our small back lawn. I'm very proud of myself!

*gives herself a pat on the back*

This idea came at a great time too because my neighbor at the house where my accident occurred, seems to have left town for the long holiday weekend without so much as a phone call before hand to see if I needed anything or to notify me that she wouldn't be able to help me with the dog! It's amazing to me how you find out who your true friends are when something like this happens! For instance, the gal who helped take me home from the hospital the night of the accident and who drove me around all over the place the following day has "disappeared". While I realize that she has her own busy life to deal with, there hasn't been a phone call nor an Email message from her in the last three weeks! Women from my kids' school who saw me at my son's orientation, who are well aware of my condition and whom I thought were friends, haven't bothered to call to see how I'm doing or offer their assistance in any way. If it were me, I would have called and dropped everything to do something for someone who'd had such an accident but I guess some people are so self-consumed and thoughtless that they're incapable of being gracious. As for those who have helped me, while I certainly appreciate their assistance, I feel like I deserve a little more courtesy and consideration. Or maybe those kinds of things only happen in a fantasy world and I have my head shoved far up my tuchas?! But for those who couldn't spare two seconds of their time, I hope they're never in such a predicament as mine because I can't guarantee that I'd be there for them. Yeah, I'm mean and spiteful like that!

After taking several weeks off from my photo blog (shameless plug), I've decided to kick it back into gear. Starting tomorrow, new pictures, photos that were taken before my accident, will be posted. If those of you who've never visited my photo blog (Oops! Another shameless plug, my bad!), please head on over there (Oh shit, did I do it again?! Shame on me!). I'm always looking for an opinion, suggestion and/or critique!

And speaking of photos, it occurred to me this morning that I have yet to show y'all a photo of what my feet presently look like so here you go...

Aren't they just purty?!

So what does my weekend consist of? Laundry and lots of relaxation! Hope y'all are having yourselves a wonderful time this weekend however you choose to spend it!

the family mess

Thank you everyone for your helpful insight into the situation with my family.

I'm back and forth with this fucking mess! One minute, the angel on my shoulder (I think it's Dave!) tells me to be the better person and let it go. That no amount of psycho-therapy and medication will help these people! Then the devil on my other shoulder whispers in my ear "Send the Email! Fuck 'em! Who cares if they're your family, they're a bunch of fucking nut cases!".

When push comes to shove, I tend to side with the devil in me in this situation. While I know that I should send the Email, that these people need to hear the truth, Dave...ahem...I mean the angel, has a way of pulling me back to my senses! That's not saying that I won't send the message, it just means that I need to put more thought into this before making my move.

It actually doesn't matter how long I wait or what method I choose with which to tell them, the consequences will all be the same. It will result in angry words thrown back at me and them trying to make me feel guilty for everything.

A few things...

Dave, I cannot tell my parents how I feel over the phone. I've tried before and I've failed at doing so mainly because my father will become his usual belligerant self and will take over the conversation, not allowing me to speak and he will do so in a very authoritative and gruff manner. Furthermore, it is difficult for me not to get emotional under these kinds of conditions, afterall, they are family, and it does not phase him in the least if I become emotional because he is not an emotional person nor can he easily show his emotions. Lastly, I have always been one to get tongue-tied. Basically, when push comes to shove, I write better than I speak. When I speak, nothing I want to say ever comes out. Even if what I write gets me into trouble and I have consequences to suffer because of them, at least I know I'm conveying exactly what's on my mind.

My sister and I will never sit down together to talk things over. She is incapable of doing so. My sister does not know how to talk to me without turning it into some sort of argument. She has been my worst enemy since the day I was born. Seriously. My mother used to tell me how not only was my sister an awful child (a 'bad seed' is what she called her) but my sister tried to choke me to death days after I was born. This kind of treatment continued all throughout my childhood and somehow, she managed to make me look like the bad person, the bad child, and I was always the one getting punished for her abuse. And when I say 'abuse', I'm not kidding. She used to verbally and physically abuse me. She would chase after me with knives, smack me around and even smack herself to make it look like someone else, mainly me, hit her. She even pushed me down the stairs once (stairs and I seem to have a love/hate relationship!). When we got older and I became taller, she could no longer physically overpower me to abuse me. She continued to tease me along with some of her friends instead of protecting the only sibling she had. She would steal my things, like clothing, and then I would get in trouble when I found that particular thing among her belongings!

If it all sounds like something out of a horror movie, I could make such movie alone on what I had to deal with growing up.

My sister and I have had these kinds of fights before. She is my father's daughter in the sense that when something doesn't go her way, she will punish everyone around her for it. As for the fights, it was always I who went back to her and put things to rest. She will never do that herself and I am not doing that this time, I absolutely refuse. I am 40 years old and if this is how she wants to treat me, I don't need that kind of person in my life, even if she is my only sister.

The decision I've come to is that while I'm gonna' hold onto the Email, I'm not saying anything to them at the present time. My mother is the only one who's contacted me and ironically enough, she called me today and immediately asked how I was followed by "Do you know who this is?" so she must realize that there is too much time passing between us talking.

As for my father and my sister, whichever way the truth is eventually revealed, it will come out. I would like to think that my family would come to their senses sooner rather than later but knowing how selfish and stubborn they can all be, I doubt they will ever figure out what the problem is until they're told. Some people are just stupid like that!

even the strong falter

I promised myself I wouldn't do this but when I was sitting here alone, in the quiet stillness of the early morning hours, I started thinking about my family and how sad it is that they hold such little regard for me, their own daughter/sister.

I have brief periods of sadness, like the one I'm having right now, where I'm unable to focus on the important things, like my kids for instance, and I take out on them whatever negative emotions I'm having at the time and that's just not fair. I cannot continue to let my family have this kind of effect on me and it's time I put my foot down.

Despite my efforts, even I recognize that this blog is a total fucking downer lately. I believe I have lost some readers due to them probably not wanting to read this same shit over and over again and frankly, I don't blame them. It is depressing and not the least bit interesting.

I decided that no matter what harsh response I will likely receive from my parents (this wouldn't be the first time that I've written them and they've responded in a negative way), I was not going to allow them to think that time passing would heal all wounds and that them brushing things under the rug, as they're accustomed to doing, was an acceptable apology. I've written them an Email and that's where y'all come in.

I've been trying to write it without an angry tone but it's been a difficult task. Everyone knows that trying to write something meaningful under such emotional stress doesn't usually work well. So here's what I have and maybe y'all can suggest different ways of saying things.

Mom and Dad, you must know how truly disappointed I am in the lack of emotional support you've shown me over the last few weeks, a time when having my family rally around me was something I really needed. Having friends and neighbors helping me is great but the emotional support of my own family was needed more. I know that this message will anger you and you will shoot back some harsh response probably blaming me for everything that's happened and that's fine, but there are some things I need to get off my chest.

Dad, while I have always appreciated the monthly checks, the cash handed to me during a visit and even now, you and mom paying for the aide service, there's more to supporting me than your financial assistance. I could have really used your compassion and emotional support when I called you during Mom and L's visit. Instead you yelled at me which really hurt. I thought you would have recognized this hours or days even after it happened but now weeks have passed and you're still giving me the silent treatment. I should have been treated with the same love and kindness I showed you when you were recovering from your surgery.

Mom, I don't think it could have hurt any worse than what you did, or didn't do, when you left. You stood at my bedroom door and told me to feel better. When you knew how sad I was about what was going on, you couldn't even bring yourself to come into my room to hug me. And then a week ago, you called me not to ask how I was but to ask about a bill. It took a week for you and Dad to send me an Email and then even that was void of affection. Maybe you and Dad didn't realize what you did, but I don't deserve to be punished for being unhappy and feeling helpless during this time.

As far as L is concerned, I am no longer interested in having a relationship with her. She rudely told me before visiting that her visit was not a social call and then proceeded to chew me out over the phone, telling me that I showed no appreciation for the effort she'd made even after I had thanked her up and down for all the help she'd given me. She told me that she was coming here to help me any way she could and then when I asked her to help me with something the second day of your visit, she bitched me out saying that's not why she had come. I then told her not to do that particular thing but she continued to display her nasty attitude towards me and stomped off. She had no right to come into my home and act that way towards me in front of my children. While I'm not faultless with regards to the fight we had, she had no grounds to be a bitch towards me when I simply asked her what happened after she fell in the kitchen. And then telling me that she would take the kids wherever, whenever she felt like it?? L has stepped on my toes when it's come to the kids far too many times and that was the last thing I will ever tolerate from her. Her so-called "apology" consisted of her ignoring me the entire last day of your visit and she didn't bother saying goodbye. Even if it was as fake as the apology she offered, it would have been the right thing for her to do for her only sister as I'm sure it would have been expected of me if she were in my situation.

Between all that and her speaking ill of me in front of the kids that day (and Mom, don't tell me she didn't because I could hear her all the way from this end of the house plus the kids told me that while they weren't listening to the exact words she was using, they did say she was being nasty), what kind of message does that send them? Not a very positive one and I don't need to subject the kids to her inappropriate and unacceptable behavior.

Also, with regards to her stepping on my toes, you can pass along the message to her that she is NOT permitted to buy the kids a Wii video game system as she told them she would without first asking me. Not only do we not have the space in this house, but this is a non-video house. They have their hand-held computer games and that's it. They both have hard years ahead of them in school and they do not need such a distraction.

Mom and Dad, I know from the past that your method of dealing with things is not to confront them and to wait, hoping time will help things blow over, but I'm afraid I can't let that happen this time. Things went too far this time, things that need to be dealt with. It's so unfortunate that I feel I have such an unhealthy relationship with all of you but I do and it's something that we all have to face. It's not going to go away and apparently it's not going to improve so I feel it's in my best interest that I keep my distance for awhile. As always, I will not stand in the way of your relationship with the kids but if things do not improve between you, Mom and myself, we will not be coming to visit for the holidays. And I can already tell you that we will not be visiting during the kids' spring break either as J has asked to have them during that time.

That is all. Feel free to respond if you wish.


Be honest and constructive, y'all! And thank you!

this and that

I like my new aide. She's nice, makes decent conversation and drives with both hands!

Enough about that! I've been going on too much lately about my ankles and the aide so I'm gonna' get down to bitchiusiness!

I know I shouldn't sweat the small stuff but for some time I've seen a particular TV advertisement, as I'm sure many of you have, and I just need to ask y'all something...

Does it bother anyone else that there's an oral contraceptive that's named after an '80s rock band??!

Seriously, WTF does the name, YAZ, stand for? Is it an acronym or is the meaning a little more hidden - your period, mood swings and urges to kill will only last as long as the band did?! I read up on the drug and I couldn't see anywhere how or why the name was chosen. Was the person(s) who chose the name drunk one night, listening to Alison Moyet's manly voice and thought, "Hey! That sounds like a good name for a female contraceptive!"?

And while we're on the subject of contraceptives, what is up with that pill, Seasonique?! First of all, a pill that nearly eliminates one's period isn't the first thing I think of when I hear the name. No, I immediately think of Garlique. Do we really need to equate a birth control medication with a stinky garlic pill?? Does that mean Seasonique makes your "Virginia" stink, too??! Man, 'cause if that's the deal, sign me up!! *snicker*

And speaking of vaginas, my daughter recently named hers. Bill. Seriously. In a way, it reminds me of that Judy Blume book, Forever I think it was called, in which the guy in the story named his penis "Ralph". Has anyone out there named their genitalia?! I bet that's a question you haven't heard lately! If you really must know, I've named my privates Augustus Lickinshmine, III. Auggie for short.

Oh shut up, I'm just kidding!