too annoyed to give a title to this blog post!

I'm a bit steamed at the moment and it's not because of the high humidity outside.

You see, my son's baseball coach just called a little while ago with this weekend's baseball schedule and he joked that my son was not permitted to have any injuries (referencing his recent incident) because they have no extra players to replace him. So we started talking about what happened and cleared the air.

What I learned was that the person who shall not be mentioned here put all the blame on me for keeping our son out of his rec league game last Thursday night! Because he decided to lie to the coach and tell him how awful the gash was, blah, blah, blah and this and that only to reveal to him later on that neither he or his wife had actually seen the injury so the coach automatically assumed that I was the one who made the final decision in keeping our son out of the game.

So I set the record straight and made sure that the coach knew exactly what was said between the person who shall not be mentioned here and myself - that he was the one who originally said that our son had to suck it up and learn how to play with an injury and then called me back a short time later and said he didn't think our son should play and for him to just take it easy that evening. The coach was completely unaware that such a conversation had taken place and that he felt bad that all this time, he, the coach, was mad at me!!

I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that this occurred and that the person who shall not be mentioned here attempted, once again, to make me look bad in others' eyes. I'm sure the baseball coach had made comments about me to the other parents too and that all the parents have been looking down their noses at me for something that wasn't even my fault.

I fucking hate liars. Just one of the many reasons I'm no longer married. But that's a story for another day.

my new BFF

Hello. My name is Jezebel and I'm an infomercial whore.

Seriously, if there were a 12-step program for someone whose bought products off of infomercials, I would need it.

I'm not an addict, let me just clear that up right now! I'm not like those QVC whores who watch such shopping channels all day long and simply buy junk to see if they can get in before the time limit is up on an item. In fact, I can count on one hand how many times I've actually watched a home shopping channel and I've only ever purchased one item.

With regards to infomercials, I've bought exercise videos like Denise Austin's Pilates workout (she's beyond fucking annoying with her perma-grin), Rodney Yee's AM/PM Yoga and Yoga for Abs, Buns of Steel (I watch it every so often because it's funny to see the women AND men wear the rope headbands of the '80s along with women who wear leg warmers), the ever-popular Jane Fonda's Workout, Billy Blank's Tae-Bo (which knocked one of my hips outta' whack the first week of doing it) and Hip-Hop Abs (which I've done once in the year that I've had the DVD!). Oh and please don't let me forget the obsurd breathing exercises of Greer Childer's Body Flex, guaranteed to help you lose more weight than any regular diet could. I don't know if you know what/who I'm talking about or have seen her infomercials, but you can't get through the tape without busting a gut from laughing at how loud she does the breathing exercises!

As far as workout equipment goes, the Ab-doer (it didn't), the Ab-roller (it was given to The Salvation Army along with the rest of the crap workout equiment), a step machine and some other monstrosity which the name escapes me at the moment.

I've bought Ron Popeil's pasta maker which hasn't been used in years despite the fact that it makes very good homemade pasta. I bought Bare Minerals, mineral powder makeup that hides all facial flaws like the semi-dark circles under my eyes. It hid the circles just fine, it was getting used to wearing makeup that felt like theatrical cake makeup that I couldn't tolerate! That was out the window in about five minutes! I'll just stick with my store-bought makeup that sweats when I do, thankyouverymuch!

Two weeks before Ped Eggs hit Walgreens, I bought it off the infomercial. It works and I swear by the product. Just like I swear by my newest and dearest friend, the Sonic Scrubber. My shower and toilets are thanking me right now and despite the fact that I will NEVER like doing housework, I can't believe how much easier this product has made my life!

Ya' know...now that I think about it, this does make me just as bad as a home shopping whore!

the inside woman

As a room mom, I've been privvy to all sorts of "insider" information, whether it's gossip among the mothers about other parents which is always good for providing entertainment when I'm bored, or getting the scoop on the kids in my class.

At the end of last month, the assistant teacher in my daughter's class asked me to help put together end-of-the-year portfolios for the kids - art work, writings, etc.. The teacher had just taken her maternity leave and was not available to help with said portfolios. Gee, I can't imagine why. *wink*

So I'm putting together my lovely co-room's son's portfolio today and I'm sure she'll be very excited to see that one of his better writings, which isn't saying much, is entitled "The Poo-Poo Man". Yes peeps, her son has written a story about a shit-covered monster. He must use the word "poo" 20-something freakin' times in this story. For a woman who told me at the beginning of the year, ya' know when she was actually speaking to me, that she does not permit under any circumstances her children to eat things like hotdogs and punishes them when they do because she's that strict, I'm sure she will be very proud that her son has resorted to writing a story about poop. Simply marvelous!

While we're on the subject of my wonderful former co-room, she tried to assassinate me again yesterday with her car. After dropping off my kids at school, I was stuck behind one of the school's buses. They started a new procedure a few months ago that when the bus has it's flashing red lights on in the carpool lane, no car is permitted to manuever around it. So I was waiting for the bus to move and became annoyed that people were pulling out in front of me when they could clearly see that I was waiting as they should have been. When I finally go the chance to pull out, she did the same at that exact moment, purposefully from my observation, and did not even bother to stop but instead, swerved around my car to get ahead of me. As you recall, this was exactly what she did to me last time, just to get ahead of me. Even if she had hit me in her POS mobile, I'm certain she would have continued on her way without stopping.

After leaving the school campus, I was directly behind her and watched as she, once again, sped through the residential neighborhood going at least 45-50 mph when she should have been going 25-30. I'm certain she did this in an attempt to keep ahead of me which, on a one-lane no-passing road, she would have stayed ahead of me regardless. She continued on this way until we reached the highway and the next thing she did was the straw that broke the camel's back - she turned onto the highway as did I directly after her, she in one lane and I in another. As soon as she saw which lane I was in, she moved in front of me and proceeded to go reeeeeaaaaly slow. Thankfully, I was able to pass her, got in front of her and slammed on my brakes which forced her to suddenly stop as well. You think she hated me before, you should have seen this little Latina's mouth moving a mile a minute, screaming non-stop obscenities at me. If I could have actually heard her, it would have made it all the more worthwhile! I, in turn, looked in my side mirror and gave her a shit-eating grin. My job as room mom is now officially done.

And just so that y'all know, I am a true believe in the '3 strikes and you're out' policy. One more incident like the one she pulled yesterday, and my dear friend on the police force is going to be knocking on her door. If you recall, this is the same guy who was going to contact her when she tried to run me over several months ago but you guys told me to forget about it and move past it. Just see if I forget about it this time!!! *insert evil laugh here*

But seriously, she really needs to come up with a different method of murder. This whole trying to kill me with her car is getting so old and is beyond original.

firefox can suck my left tit

Could I be any clearer than that?!

One minute it works, the next it's taken an explosive crap on me and then, as if to say "Ha ha! I've fucked with you long enough!", it starts working again.

Starting on Friday night, for about 24 hours, my Firefox would not function on my computer. Not even function properly, just wouldn't function, period. I'd log in, the page would start loading, it would freeze up and then I'd have to exit out. I played this little game an unspeakable number of times before realizing that it was screwing me hard up the ass 'cause I couldn't retrieve any of my bookmarked sites and some of them are pretty important. I rebooted and turned my computer on and off too many times to count. I even uninstalled and reinstalled Firefox thinking that would correct things. Nope. Nut 'N Honey.

I've had to go back to using Internet Explorer for the time being and I really dislike IE. Ever since I switched to Firefox years ago, I haven't used IE. It was a tempermental biyotch which caused me too many problems. So far, it's been behaving. So far.

Moments ago, Firefox loaded but I'm writing to you from IE because it just can't be trusted right now. I envisioned starting to write a blog entry on Firefox and having it freeze up on me, making me lose everything and I just don't feel like being bitch-slapped right now.

So I have a question for everyone completely off-topic...

How does one discreetly scratch their ass in public?! Do you rub at your ass like there's something on your pants that you're trying to wipe off? Do you pretend to put something in your back pocket and scratch the itchy spot while your finger is inserted in the pocket? I just need to know on a just in case basis 'cause my ass is itching me like the dickens and I don't want to get caught with a full-on ass-scratching session at the supermarket this morning.

the blog, it is a-changing

When I first created this blog, I chose the name 'Lola' because it sounded all sweet and shit and I thought it would downplay the bitchy tone the blog takes on.

Even when I attempt to see the humor in all things bitchy, the message doesn't always translate into a joke. And then there are times when the message is loud and clear but I just don't feel like a Lola.

So I'm changing my name. Since this blog is primarily about my bitching and moaning, I might as well have a name that matches the evilness that is sometimes exhibited here.

So, if you don't mind, please call me "Jezebel".

It has such a strong, in-your-face, don't fuck with me undertone, doesn't it?! And those of you who've been with me for awhile, have become familiar with the angry rants and have truly seen my dark side probably feel as I, that it suits me.

Ahhhh! I feel reborn! Like Jesus, minus the whole Easter resurrection thing.

C'mon...come fuck with me. I'm ready. *wink*

boy, have i got some gas...

...tips for you!

If you haven't heard or read about this yourselves, please pay attention as this information could save you at the gas pumps!

While at the pump the other morning, watching my bank account empty before my eyes while filling my car, this nice older woman waiting behind me for the pump, got out of her car, came over to me and suggested I not lock the trigger of the pump, but to pump it at the lowest level. The slower it goes, the more gas I get for my money, she said. The faster it goes, you'll get more vapors than actual gas. And pump only in the morning before the heat of the day sets in or at times during the day or night that are cooler.

I asked her how she knew all this and she said she'd been reading about it. I will admit, I don't watch a lot of TV so I don't see the news often, I don't read the newspaper and I just recently canceled my subscription to my news magazine because I just don't give a shit anymore. I mean seriously, if the world is supposed to end tomorrow, do I really want/need to know?!

I thought she was fucking nuts. I came home and I Googled what she told me half expecting it to spew back at me "WTF you tawkin' about, Willis?!" but it didn't. It gave me a story of exactly what she told me.

So I pumped. my. gas. reaaaaalllllyyyy. fucking. slow and I saw the gallons rise a whole lot faster than the price.

Hmmm...

Does anyone know for certain if this shit really works?!

stop the insanity!

Ya' know, I never thought that one person, ME, could find so much to complain about...but here I am complaining about something else. For once I'd like to be able to say "There's always a dull moment!".

As y'all know, I finished up my room mom duties yesterday and today was going to be a ME day. After dropping my kids off at school, I did nothing. I came home and took a nap and it was wonderful. I woke up and showered. And then the phone rang. When I saw it was the school on the Caller ID, I knew something was wrong and I was right.

My son decided today was as good a day as any to trip over a root of a tree, fall down and slam his forehead into another root, slicing himself open above his right eyebrow. A nice big gash that required three rows of stitches from a plastic surgeon.

Tonight was supposed to have been my son's championship game for his rec league and the team can't hold its own without my son so the team has to forfeit the game. I feel extremely guilty but sometimes a parent has to make decisions for his/her children and sometimes they're not always the right ones but the safest ones. My son is so upset that his dad and I won't let him play, that he will barely speak to me. And while we're trying to let him start making responsible decisions of his own, saying that he can play in a game after he's just had a minor surgical procedure is not a responsible decision on his part and that's where us parents have to step in and make the decision for him.

But that's not what I'm truly upset about. It's not with my son for not comprehending the possible consequences of playing tonight - that if he plays and he rips open his stitches, he not only has to go back for more tomorrow but then he doesn't get to play in his travel tournament this weekend which is SO much more important than the rec league. My anger is directed at his coach who once again, after my son's dad and I had already made our final decision not to let him play tonight, tried to convince us to change our minds and that just pisses me off to no end. You've heard my stories about this guy doing that very same thing to my son when he's injured himself before. Who the fuck IS this guy, asking us to change our minds after our son has had head trauma???? Oh, I'm so fucking sorry that there's another kid whom he already knew was going to be absent tonight due to a school function but I believe our son's excuse for not being there is just as legitimate.

And ya' know, I knew he was going to try to lay a guilt trip on us, I just knew it! My ex said he would call the coach to inform him of what was going on and you just cannot understand the angry tone my ex had in his voice when he called me back and it wasn't directed at me for a change but at the coach. He was equally as pissed off that the coach had absolutely no consideration for our son's condition and only cared about the fucking team. I have two words for the coach - FUCK and HIM.

I realize that all sports are competitive but I've never seen someone so inconsiderate of another as this coach is of my son...and probably the other kids on his team as well. I am beside myself with hatred right now. I know it will pass but right now, I'm steaming.

If any good has come of this, I told my son that his scar is gonna' score huge points with the ladies and that made him smile.

EDIT: I received an Email from my son's dad this morning that his game went ahead as scheduled last night and that his team won. His jerk of a coach, who tried to guilt us into our letting our son play by telling us if he didn't play they'd have to forfeit, never had any intention of forfeiting the game.

This brings to mind an incident that occurred at an away tournament a few weeks ago in which the catcher on their team twisted his ankle and dropped to the ground. The coach said that the longer he stayed on the ground, the higher probability that he was fine. So the coach just sat in the bleachers, drinking his Mountain Dew and not giving a damn about the kid on the field while the other coaches tended to him. Whatever happened to the coaches caring what happened to their players?

should i or shouldn't i?

This past Monday, I found out that I was permanently suspended from that dating site. In her original response to my inquiry about whether or not I was to remain suspended or if my account was going to be reactivated, the woman I've been corresponding with regarding the matter wrote me the following:

After reviewing the notes in our file and discussing your case with the Director of Customer Support, we feel we have followed the required procedure in notifying you of these guidelines and suspending your account.

Clearly, this was bullshit. No one notified me about anything, they simply suspended me with out giving me just cause. So, I then inquired about that too. The response to that was surprising as some of the false allegations against me were posting profanity, offensive sexually-oriented material, threatening people and opening multiple accounts.

The only charge that was true was that I harassed people. Yep, I did and I'm proud to admit it because it was directed to those half-brained anal scabs who absolutely, 100% deserved it. Whether it was my saying something to defend myself against these losers or saying something to hopefully make others see the true nature of an individual, I harassed and tormented them as best I could and had the best fucking time doing it! But all good things must come to an end, right?!

Did I deserve to be given the boot for that reason alone? Yeah, probably. I don't deny that I've done my share of offending people and referring to them in derogatory ways.

So, of course, being the Queen Bitch of the Universe, I've drafted a response to this woman and I wanted to post it here first to get your opinion as to whether I should send it or let sleeping dogs lie. I would also like to hear any suggestions you may have to make it even better! Personally, I think it's worth sending even if I don't get a response from this woman.

Without further ado, my response would be:

K., thank you for your response. Allow me the opportunity to respond to many of your false allegations.

1. I can assure you 100%, that I have never posted profanity on the message boards. By profanity, I'm assuming you're referring to words written which are then censored out by those symbols when posted? If so, then you are incorrect. In fact I'm one of the few people who've always stayed away from doing that BECAUSE I know it gets people into trouble and on the few times I have done so and saw that it was censored, then I've always gone back into my post and edited it out. If you're talking about words people post like "arse" to mean "ass" or "shyte" to mean "shit", then everyone does that on the boards so you might as well go ahead and warn and/or suspend every paying member who uses your message boards. I'd be very interested in seeing the evidence you say you have against me.

2. I have NEVER participated on any thread on X's message board in which the topic was sexual in nature because I consider it to be a personal and private topic. Again, I'd be interested in seeing the proof you supposedly have of me posting sexually-offensive material.

3. The photos in my profile were for fun, not for deceit and anyone with half a brain knew that. ONE OF YOUR CUSTOMER CARE REPRESENTATIVES TOLD ME IT WAS OKAY TO KEEP THEM. He didn't note that in my account, did he?? Perhaps you should suspend him as well for permitting me to do something that he knew was against X's TOS. On top of that, the false photos were approved time and time again by your fabulously faultless customer care representatives. In fact, several of your marvelous customer care representatives told me how much they enjoyed viewing said photos. So BRAVO to your customer care employees for doing their jobs so well that others, like myself, get blamed for THEIR mistakes. And most importantly, for lying about the situation to save their own hides. I mean seriously, my photos were SO much more offensive than the countless photos of men and women in provocative poses that YOUR customer care representatives have approved on your site.

4. I've threatened people?? Really? That is highly doubtful. But again, if you can prove it, I will retract that statement. I may have spoken out-of-line in efforts to defend myself. I may have even told others off when they most definitely deserved it but threatening people? Now that's really pushing it.

4. In 2002, after my divorce or perhaps it was right before my divorce was final, I joined X. I have had ONE account with your site since my suspension seven (7) days ago. Again, care to prove to me where all these multiple accounts are or the content that was in them?

Yes Ms. B., it's all in the proof. Do you have any you care to share? Because I'd really like to be able to share the truth with the Better Business Bureau when I contact them regarding the many poor qualities of your site.

Speaking of which, it's amazing to think that I actually felt there was a time that your website could add something to my life for the past six (6) years. It's the constant inconsistencies within your customer care department and how they treat paying members that speaks volumes about the people who run it. What a disappointing experience I've had with your site, to say the least, and what a waste of time and money spent. Your site certainly does not live up to it's self-proclaimed reputation.

Thank you for your time regarding this matter. I'll expect a prompt response regarding proof of the allegations you've made against me.

So y'all? What's your opinion on this? Yay or nay?


EDIT: At 6:15pm EST, I sent off a revised version of the message above.

Anyone wanna' take bets as to whether or not I receive a reply that doesn't include the sentence or something like "If you continue to write us regarding this matter, we'll be forced to get our legal team involved."???!

so long, fuckers!

Congratulate me, bitches. I performed my last duty today as room mom for the 2007-2008 school year! Yee-fucking-haw!!

Wonderful Wednesday was a total bust. Aside from the bitch who contacted me the other day about how she refused to help out if she couldn't make a dish, another parent that was supposed to help contacted me the very same day and said that they were under the impression that they too were cooking something and that they couldn't help out otherwise. Unlike the wench from hell, he at least was polite and thanked me for all my hard work throughout the year.

I arrived early and started decorating the room with a Mexican theme since today was the day they were celebrating Cinco de Mayo. Apparently, the woman who heads the Wonderful Wednesday committee couldn't think of another theme - like maybe end of the school year or spring were just two of the ideas that came to my mind. Cinco de Mayo would have been more appropriate to celebrate last week when it was actually Cinco de Mayo but who am I to judge?!

So the room was looking nifty, if I do say so myself, with a sombrero and jalapeno wall-hanging, cactus confetti and small plastic jalapeno peppers scattered on the tables. One mother brought bold-colored table cloths and put together a beautiful and creative centerpiece full of flowers from her own garden.

Then we waited for the food to arrive. And waited. And waited. Very little arrived. Most of what was there was what a room mother took from the breakfast table, which was also being served today. I was completely embarrassed at how little food there was for the staff. There were no Mexican-type foods. When lunch was approaching, I asked some of the other mothers if they thought I should just run out to the nearby Walgreens and pick up a bag of tortilla chips and some salsa and they kept saying "No. The food will arrive.". Well, very little food arrived. The only savory food as the main dish was a tray of chicken nuggets from Chik-Fil-La. Not very Mexican! Had I known that people were going to fink out on us, I could have gotten the chips and salsa and even made my cold Gazpacho soup. I could have even had the snobby bitch make something!

Breakfast was set up in a different part of the school. Another mother and I went over to see if there were any lunch items that had mistakenly been brought there. There were but unfortunately, because those who dropped off lunch items where breakfast was being set up, people had already picked over everything and I was not about to take picked-over food to the lunch area. And everyone was told to bring their food by 10:30 since 11am is the first lunch period but some of those twats not only brought the food an hour late but brought it to the wrong area! You'd think that most people would have enough brain cells to know that when they saw an area full of breakfast items like bagels, muffins, coffee etc., that would be a big enough clue that breakfast was being held in that room and that something like a cheese tray and sub sandwiches didn't belong!

Oh! You'll love this one! One of the other second grade classes was asked to bring salads. So there was a beautiful spinach salad and a nice pasta salad. Two salads were missing. After receiving the food, setting it up and decorating, the teachers started to arrive so I left. I came back two hours later and there were two paper plates laid out with two different salads on them. Most of the food was gone and it was time to clean up. The other mother told me they were probably the remnants of a larger salad and we should just toss them. I didn't think I was gone long enough for two big salads to be devoured in such a way but fine, I tossed them. Heh, I tossed someone's salad. *wink*

After a short while, I realized the clean-up was a one-person job and told the other mother she didn't have to stay. I was just about finished when I noticed two small containers hidden in a corner - two containers, each able to hold a half pound of food. Obviously the two salads presented on the paper plates came from those containers and I was simply taken aback that some moron thought that was acceptable as her contribution to feed 50+ people! What a disappointment this day turned out to be! What a disappointment this whole year turned out to be!!

In the carpool line, the room mom who assigned jobs today approached me to see how everything went. I had told her the other day that Lady Von Biyotch might be contacting her to give her an earful about how she wasn't permitted to make a dish for today and she wanted to know if she ended up showing up. I asked her if LVB had contacted her and she said "She would never contact me because she knows I don't put up with her shit!". At least I know I'm not the only one who thinks this woman is a total snobbish turd.

On an entirely different topic, I would really appreciate it if someone could explain to my why my tampons aren't fitting right. What, is my vagina deteriorating from lack of use?! Is my uterus drying up and falling out because I'm fast approaching 40?! Do I really need to start using a lubricant just to insert a fucking tampon because I'm all dry and brittle in my girly region???!

Calgon! Take me awaaaaaaaaaaay!

road rage room mom

On the way to dropping my kids off at school yesterday morning, I encountered my co-room mom on the road and it wasn't pretty. Let's just say if I were a police officer, I would have pulled her over and ticketed her for what she did.

I was coming off this jug-handle turn and getting ready to merge onto this stretch of road. There was enough room between her car and the car in front of her for me to merge but she sped up and tried to cut me off, nearly clipping the back of MY NEW FUCKING MINIVAN. I know what her car looks like and I thought it was her so when I looked in my rearview mirror and saw her, I wasn't the least bit surprised.

She swerved around me to get into the left hand lane, sped up and merged back into the same lane I was in a few cars ahead of me. Just like the control freak that she is, she had to take charge of the situation by being ahead of me. She always has to be in control. I truly despise people like her.

She spent the remainder of the drive speeding through 35 and 25 mile residential speed zones so that I couldn't pass her. Not that I would even waste my time on her trying. I might hate some drivers on the road but I don't try to get back at people and if I did, I certainly wouldn't do it with my kids in the car. When she didn't slow down in the 25 mph residential speed zone near the school, that just really pissed me the fuck off. How fucking irresponsible could a parent be to not only put her kids' safety in jeopardy but everyone else's safety as well just because she's trying to spite someone?

This chick needs to go back to Colombia, be a drug mule and die when the drugs explode in her stomach causing her to overdose.

Not saying all Colombians should do that, just her.